I'm so tired and I'm doing too much and none of it is enough because after I finish one thing there is something else to do next and then by the time you know it it's night time and I'm too tired to study and I feel horrible because I haven't had the time or energy to hit the books like a good student should. I've got too much going on. I have to work at Angora from noon to five almost every day and I try to do my reading in the mornings before I leave but it's hard to study then and by the time I get home in the evening I'm so tired from standing on my fat clown feet all day that I just want to fall asleep in front of a silly BBC show where the people wear capes. Is that so much to want? I kind of want to start doing drugs.
I just got back from work, and I'm feeling a little bad. Apparently, Tulan thought I could work a double shift every Thursday since I did last week, but I thought last Thursday was just me helping her out so I can't stay there tonight! I promised to babysit my neighbor's kids! I feel horrible. It's so overwhelming having to work behind that counter alone, especially during the evening hours when everybody wants dessert. I just wish someone could be there with her.
*
I'm putting a star in between these paragraphs because right now it is three hours after I posted the above. I'm babysitting and currently the children are tucked away safe in their beds and I am feeling... surprisingly at peace. I think I might have binged tonight :( Whoops. Well, when I say kind of I mean I did binge, but most of it was healthy dinner food like chili and pasta and biscuits. Kathryn, their mom, is an amazing cook and every time I come over here she has something vegetarian and delicious prepared just for me and honestly, truly good homemade food should never be passed up because it is rare. Am I right? Anyways, another reason I'm calling it a "kind of" binge is because I don't feel all the way sick to my stomach, and I don't plan on following through with the behavior by stopping and buying junky sweets on the way home. It ends now.
Still, I know I'm going to feel guilty and gross tomorrow. Thankfully I don't have to work again until Tuesday so I'll have time to recuperate. And hey, at least I seem to have broken my pattern of "domino bingeing" (having one binge day right after the other). It's all about the little steps. Of course this optimism is probably due to the massive amounts of pleasurable neurotransmitters released in my brain during dinner... I guarantee my next post won't be as sunny.
Sounds like you didn't binge then. Glad you broke the pattern. And don't let eating a normal amount get called a binge by ED.
ReplyDeleteAnd the other person should not have just assumed that you would be there to work. Don't feel bad about that it was their fault.