Yesterday I had my first double shift at Angora, which essentially means working noon till midnight. It's funny, there comes a point at night when you're so tired that you don't even care anymore that you need sleep so you just stay up and it doesn't really feel any different... sort of like going numb. I've only experienced this feeling a couple times in my life: The night I finished writing the perfect college essay (stayed up till 2:00 a.m.), the night of the senior prom (in order to attend the after party, students were made to stay until 5:00 a.m. to ensure they wouldn't go out and drink afterwards... this still doesn't make sense to me), and then last night. By the time I got home I was so tired I couldn't fall asleep because I was too tired to even feel tired.
The past few days have felt mellow. I think I'm mellowing out. The things that I've been struggling with and the anxieties I've been having seem less frightening. My job, though stressful and arduous, is becoming a bit more routine and less like a performance that I'm being judged on. My monumental weight, though disheartening and gross to live with, is not life-threatening and I'm sure I won't look this way forever. My leave of absence from school, though inconvenient, will not get in the way of me pursuing whatever it is I want to become. Who is to thank for this positive new outlook on life? Who knows!? It could be the higher dose of prozac, or maybe just the new structure I have in my day, or maybe there really is a higher power who is rewarding me for all my years of pain and suffering. I think it's the meds though :)
Despite the improvement in my mood and stuff, something bizarre has happened to my appetite. It's kind of... gone. I've been so busy this past week with work and studying and watching the first season of Glee with my little sister that I haven't actually been eating meals. I hadn't really realized it until last night when I was mopping the floors behind the ice cream counter and all of a sudden I got this fuzzy weightless feeling in my head. I haven't felt that in months. Then around 8:00 Tulan asked me if I wanted to take a break to get some dinner and I told her I wasn't hungry. She said, "I never see you eat! You've been working since noon and you haven't eaten anything since then." I think she said it more out of awe than concern. I mean lets face it- I don't look like the type of person who doesn't eat.
Anyways, it's not really the restriction that is weirding me out. I restrict all the time! It's just that usually I'm hungry when I'm restricting, so I don't hold out for very long and I invariably end up bingeing. This isn't to say that the restriction isn't coming from an ED place... I'm sure if I didn't want to lose weight I would be eating more, but a huge part of it is that I just don't want food.
Yay for your prozac, if that's what's doing it. :)
ReplyDeleteYeah, I wish I just didn't want food. Whoops, did I say that?
That's not good. NOT eating will kill you.
ReplyDeleteTake time to eat.
LOL I forgot to mention this- today my mom was like, "You should start taking Ritalin again because it will help you suppress appetite and maybe you won't want to binge."
ReplyDeleteI was like... "Wow, mom. If that's not ED thinking I don't know what is."
And then I thought of you guys. Because no matter how eating disordered we are, at least we know not to say stuff like that to people.
Thanks for the reality check though, David. I'm finding this situation both intriguing and a little suspicious...
Well, first I was like: Yay! Wow! What an inspiring post! I need to think more like this girl! And then I saw the 'haven't been eating' part and I thought, 'Hmmm...I wonder if there is a correlation?'
ReplyDeleteDo you think the fact that you've been eating less, even though you weren't outwardly aware of it, is somehow correlated with the feeling good? Like you were getting some sort of high from eating less without even realizing it? [I promise this isn't accusatory, I'm really wondering if there may be a correlation! Something to ponder...]
Anyway, I still admire your positive outlook...but I do hope you are able to give your body the ~fuel~ it needs. Hehe, this is taking me back to my days in treatment when they made us say affirmations before a meal, 'This food is my ~medicine~'
You know, that is an excellent excellent point you make. It's true that in the past restriction has lifted my spirits when I'm down... but at the same time I really do think that I've altered my thinking in healthy way. Remember, even though I'm restricting it's not really making any immediate changes to my fatness and I've gotten a lot better at accepting my weight at where it is right now.
ReplyDeleteAlthough I suppose "accepting my weight" should also mean not engaging in behaviors that would lead to weight loss... oh well.
Hmm, I wonder if it's a chemical kind-of rush, though. Not so much psychological. Like, in the brain chemistry. I remember in days of super restriction I'd just feel this...rush. I'm not very good with the science behind these things, but it is interesting to ponder. A rush that is unrelated to the thoughts, I mean. I hope this makes sense :X
ReplyDeleteAhhhh... meaning this feeling of "acceptance" might just be a side effect of the restriction?? That would make sense.
ReplyDelete