Rock bottom

I'm sitting here wondering why and how things went so downhill this week. I've had like five binge days in row now, and after being so good! I'm tempted to say it's because I missed a couple days of my meds, but I know that's not the whole reason. Maybe I'm also about to get my period? That would be awesome if that were the reason why...

Last night I couldn't fall asleep so I started rooting through my closet and found a box of these ancient videos I used to watch when I was little. The Land Before Time was one of my favorites. Anybody heard of or remember Land Before Time? It's about these kids who are dinosaurs and they're all different species but at the same time best friends forever. In the first Land Before Time there's an earth quake and the kids get separated from their herds. The rest of the movie is all about them coming together and finding a new and safe place to live, even though some of their parents were killed in the quake or by other dinosaurs. It's heavy stuff! Anyways, right around the part where Littlefoot sees a cloud in the sky shaped like his mother, I just lost it. It made me not only painfully nostalgic for my childhood, but also saddened and ashamed by how much of my teenage and adult life has been spent as a slave to destructive behaviors- not just ED behaviors either. I'm talking about the isolation, self-injury, anxiety, negative self talk... I wish there was a way for me to just put my foot down and say, "No more! It ends today!" But I've done that so many times only to find myself right back at square one the next day. I'm just totally trapped and I have no idea how to regain control over myself.

Dr. Gordon says I need to let go of the weight loss obsession first. That's what needs to happen before anything else can be accomplished. As much as I've tried to convince her and myself that I can recover and lose the binge weight at the same time, it's just not possible for me.

So I need to get rid of that scale I found a couple weeks ago. I wish I didn't have to throw it away but I know if I don't remove it from the house entirely I'll just dig it out again in a week, so it needs to go.