Here's something funny for those of you who are like me and enjoy finding the humor and irony in eating disorders every once in a while: Last week and the week before that I binged a lot upstairs in my room while switching off between watching episodes of Robin Hood on my laptop and reading The Once and Future King by T.H. White under the covers. I don't like putting the empty candy wrappers and ice cream cartons in my trash can because then when people come into my room they see all the trash and they'll know I'm having a behavior. So instead of throwing them away, I hide them in places like under my bed or in the empty drawers of my bedside table. This would be acceptable I guess... if it was only a temporary spot. But then tomorrow comes and I'm like, "I don't wanna touch those melty ice cream boxes! Gross! I'll do it later." Before you know it a week has gone by and there are fruit flies in my room. So here I am, camped out on the floor of my closet, on the opposite side of the room from my bed because I can't bear the stench of horrible rotten binge detritus.
On a happier and more hygienic note, I've been feeling surprisingly more stable and in control of my urges ever since last week ended. My job at Angora Ice keeps me busy and distracted, which honestly, is pretty much 95% of what it takes for me to get back on track after a week of behaviors. I think that's true for a lot of us though, right? Routine. Routine is key.
When it comes to food I'm just feeling much... smarter. Smarter? That doesn't sound like the right word to use because intelligence has very little to do with normal eating. I guess by smarter I mean more wise-minded. Today when I got home from work I was STARVING. My shift started at noon and ended at five so I didn't have time to eat lunch and by the time I got home my stomach was eating itself. I sort of dove into a bunch of cheese and crackers, not really caring whether it was portioned because I was just so hungry and I didn't even care if it turned into a binge. The weird thing is, after like five minutes, I felt satisfied and stopped without even really having to FORCE my self to stop. How cool is that?!! I was already in a good mood from having made the perfect smoothie at work so I felt like shouting it from the rooftops: "I JUST HAD A NORMALIZED EXPERIENCE WITH FOOD!"
In addition to having more structure during the day though, I think A LOT of it has to do with meds. I upped the dosage on my anti-depressants last week after the binges, and since then I feel like skipping instead of walking, singing instead of talking, beeping instead of bopping!
Wow did you bring a lot of stuff to my mind with that. I would binge in my car and then never clean it, I used to do it in my living room as well. Never wanted to clean it up afterward cause seeing just what I did was something that I avoided.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you had a normalized eating experience. I hope that you have many more.
Ahaha I'm so glad I'm not the only one with that yucky tendency! I feel a little less alone in the world now :)
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