Woah

Today was one of those mornings where I would have given away my right leg NOT to get out of bed. It was cold, the heat had been turned off all night and I was snuggled under like fifty fluffy blankets so I pretty much felt like dying when my alarm clock went off at 5:45. Luckily dad was able to give me a ride to program...

Speaking of which, I stuck to the meal plan 100% in treatment today. No hiding nuts or tucking cheese into my pants! It felt great actually. Unfortunately my appetite was completely thrown off due the unexpected arrival of period. On the one hand I was relieved to get it because that means my body hasn't gone into starvation mode, but on the flip side I was irritable and SO EFFING HUNGRY. I had my afternoon snack, then another when my stomach was still growling, then another, and another, and another until finally I was just like, "What the hell do you want from me?! You want food?! I'll GIVE you food!" So I ate pretty much everything in the house: Ice cream, cookies, peanut butter, and a huge burrito for dinner. Yes, at least I didn't skip dinner.

I don't feel too guilty about caving in and going on a bender; mainly for three reasons: The first being that I do have my period and I usually cut myself some slack around that time of the month. It's so much easier to handle the cramping and fatigue if I can eat eat eat. Secondly, I had my physical yesterday and my weight was highly acceptable- not low enough yet but acceptable indeed. Thirdly, ummmmm.... okay I guess there were only two. OH no wait the third reason is I know I didn't binge out of restriction because I stuck to the meal plan today.

Am I making up excuses? Maybe. Either way I promise not to restrict tomorrow. Do the next thing right, right? I promise to tell the group at check in, and I promise to try and suppress the urge next time.

Woah I get really spastic after pigging out! It's the chemical thing with the neurotransmitters I think.

Also did I mention that program in general is actually getting kind of fun? I'm already friends with all the other girls on facebook and in groups we get along well. I'm also learning more about the connection between thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, and how they don't necessarily have to dictate one another. I do think it will be good for me to stay longer than two weeks. I think I deserve my life back.

Although who knows. I'm on the verge of a food coma right now so I dunno how sound my judgment is.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!