I am so fucking sick of having an eating disorder. Honestly, it's been so long I can't even remember what life was like when it didn't revolve around food and weight. You know I never really enjoyed being a teenager because it held me back so much? When I was fourteen I was so overwhelmed by the high school environment that starvation was my only way of dealing and consequently wound up anorexic. I guess that's where it began... everyone assumed I got better because sophomore year I gained back a whole mess of weight but the truth is I'd just found another ED- binge eating. The next few years I went on off different diets, never really feeling happy with my weight and always kind of avoiding life. College finally rolls around, I get so depressed that I put on not only the Freshman 15, but the freshman 30 to boot. I get to be about five or ten pounds overweight, freak out, then decide to get "healthy" again, so I spend the summer eating right and exercising. I go back to college in the fall, fifteen pounds thinner, and much happier with my body. I figure, if I'm happy here, imagine how much better I'll feel if I lose another fifteen pounds!!! One thing leads to another and my periods have stopped, my jeans are falling off and the school nurse starts calling me mean names like anemic and hypertensive. So I go on medical leave to try and figure out what's happening to me, only to take up binge eating again so now I'm right back where I started.
Oh man. Sorry for that annoying little trip down memory lane, but this is my life you guys. Sure, there have been inconsequential love interests and wonderful friends every now and then, but for sure my primary relationship has always been with an eating disorder. When will it end? I hate what I've become so much that I don't even feel like I deserve treatment. I'm not brave! I'm not strong! I have only my behaviors to get me through the days and without them I'm just a struggling little kid being forced to grow up.
Yuck. I hate pity fests but that definitely needed to be said.
It helps to get it out. Remember that is the eating disorder that make's you feel this way. It doesn't want to go away it wants to stay. You the you before the ED moved in deserve help. Heck EVERYONE deserves help.
ReplyDeleteDon't give up and keep fighting. It does get better if you are willing to fight for it.