Goodbye, 2010. You were a sucky year and you made me fat so good riddance to you.

I'm essentially spending New Years Eve EXACTLY the same way I did last year- hotel in New Hampshire with the gang, dinner at Fudruckers, contra dancing at the local barn (yeah, you heard me, I contra dance with my family), and then falling asleep in front of the t.v. at around 11:55. No parties, no drinking, not a ton of hoopla. I think in my entire life I've only had one real, "traditional" New Year's Eve experiance. It was in High School. I went to a party at my friend Laura's house, drank about 24 ounces of vodka from a large tupperware container, and then promptly passed out in her basement, in a dog kennel. Good times.

Today was fun. We drove over to Mt. Cranmore for some skiing but I was really only up for one run down a green circle and then I took a nap in the car. I HATE SKIING. The thing is, I always convince myself that this year it'll be different. I think to myself, "I've grown, I've matured, I've developed quite a tremendous amount of insight into myself so I've probably also become the type of person who likes to ski." What the fuck? Skiing is horrible no matter how much knowledge or wisdom I think I've obtained. First of all, you spend about half an hour getting all your shit together and putting on the thermal underwear and the snowpants and the coat and the gloves, hat, scarf, and helmet and goggles and those god-awful ski boots that you've gotta click click click with all the straps and buckles. You feel like you're getting dressed to go the moon! Then the skiing itself is even worse. Everything hurts and I always get my skiis crossed and have to stop and adjust. THEN, when I finally do get a nice rythmic stride going I always start going faster than I want and it feels scary and sickening. My whole life flashes before my eyes.

So after we got back from the mountain I felt really depressed and unfulfilled so I grabbed my figure skates and fooled around on the hotel's ice rink for about an hour or so. When I came back to the room my mom said, "You looked like you were having so much fun out there! You should take lessons again this winter. I forgot how much you love to skate!" I think "love" is a tad much... but I greatly prefer skating to skiing that's for sure.

I ate a lot at dinner tonight. Like A LOT. I can't say it was a binge though because I didn't eat any more than anyone else did. I'm doing an experiment. I'm going to see what happens if I stop trying to moniter my food intake with a meal plan. Instead, I'll just eat whatever I want when I want but not engage in behaviors. Does that make sense? Or does it sound kind of like I've stopped trying...

Nice break from reality

I'm so blissed out right now- cozied up with a furry quilt and a hot mug of apple cider on the top floor of the North Conway Grand Hotel in New Hampshire. I guess coming up here after Christmas with the family has become somewhat of a tradition. We go skiing, shop at the outlet malls, figure skate, eat at restaurants, and swim in the pool. I just love family getaways!

Another thing that's awesome about being away from home and being on vacation is that my eating is WAY more normalized. In fact (and maybe this will sound like a bit of an exaggeration), there were times today when I truly felt like I don't have an eating disorder. Take dinner at Applebee's tonight for example: I thought a Greek salad sounded healthy and good so I ordered that and then to round out the meal I had no trouble eating only TWO mozzarella sticks, a small handful of Jake's fries, and half of a sundae with my parents. Okay, okay, for some people this might still sound like a lot but to someone with binge eating disorder, it's pretty modest.

Now we're back in the room and watching The West Wing. Usually I'd be complaining and begging to watch a cute romantic comedy or at least some Seinfeld but right now things just seem good the way they are.

Rotten mood. Oh I'm also changing the name of my blog again

I was feeling really shitty and kind of pathetic all day today and I couldn't really figure out why. I mean, besides the obvious reasons- I've been non stop holiday bingeing for the past week and half, Christmas is over, haven't been taking my meds, Aunt Sarah went back to NYC this morning blah blah blah. A couple hours ago I sort of felt like running outside for a bit, because lately that's been a great way for me to lift my spirits. It makes me feel strong and accomplished. But after a bunch of binge days I always have this thought that I don't deserve exercise. I think to myself, "Exercise is for healthy people who want to take care of themselves and I am clearly not healthy. I am a fat pig who should just hole myself up for another month or so until I can get my act back together. Then I can go running." Plus I guess I also feel like it's cheating recovery somehow... my nutritionist used to tell me that I should really only add exercise back into my life once I've stopped bingeing. Otherwise it's just a purging method. I guess I see where she's coming from. But really, with the amount of weight I need to lose, and all the pie and ice cream I've been guzzling, how much difference is one half hour run going to make?

I wonder if Dr. Gordon will respond to the letter I e-mailed her. It was her idea actually for me to check in with her before we meet next week. She said she may or may not respond but either way she said she'd read it so that's nice to know.

I guess I'll get dressed for my run. What the fuck do I care if it's not appropriate to go running after so much bingeing? I've given up on weight loss anyways so all this run serves to do is improve my mood and I don't see that there is anything wrong with that.

P.S. I'm going to change the name of my blog again. Haha sorry if all the changing around is confusing, I just feel like I need a superb title that sums up all the aspects of my life in one neat little bundled up phrase. So here's what I'm planning the new title to be: Normal is Just a Setting on the Washing Machine

Letter to Dr. Gordon

Dear Dr. Gordon,

I’ve been looking forward to finally sitting down and sending you an e-mail! I hope you’ve been enjoying the holiday break. Let me just preface this message (which I’m just realizing might be rather long because I feel like I have a lot to say) by assuring you that you don’t need to respond if you don’t have time! I’m glad you suggested checking in before we see each other next week… sometimes just writing everything out and sending it to someone can be helpful even if there is no reply.

This week has been sort of all over the place, and I guess by “this week” what I really mean is my mood, behaviors, thoughts, and feelings have been all over the place. On the days leading up to Christmas I had to work a lot, and most of the time by myself. It’s funny because usually I prefer working alone. It means I can sit and read and not have to work so hard at looking busy. But I must have just gotten super bored/super hungry because I actually binged twice at work. Twice. Two separate days. I BINGED ON CREAM FROM THE STORE. It was horrible. A part of me was shocked that I would do something so irresponsible and impulsive during work hours, but another part of me wasn’t all that surprised. I mean, I’ve been working at Angora for almost three months now. You’d think I would have found the chance to pig out at work a long time ago.

On Christmas Eve my family went to decorate gingerbread houses at our family friend’s house but I refused to go and that got everyone a little frustrated with me. It’s just that last year was so much skinnier and I don’t think I could handle being seen this overweight. Luckily ‘tis the season for forgiveness and all that lovely stuff, so they got over it and the holiday was still a success.

I never thought I’d hear myself say it, but I’m sort of relieved that Christmas is over. The holiday makes it so much harder to eat right, think clearly, stay mindfull… etc.

The fact that I’ve been SO inconsistent with my meds probably hasn’t helped matters. It’s not just the increase in binges that occur when I go off the Prozac. It’s been disrupting my sleep patterns, my mood, my concentration, EVERYTHING. Sticking to the meds will definitely be one of my New Years Resolutions, or as my mother so warmly puts it, “A non-negotiable if you want to go back to school in the fall.”

A part of me feels like giving up entirely because every time my life seems to develop some semblance of stability and progress I ultimately (inevitably) crash and burn. Maybe I should move to Alaska. Except for Sarah Palin everybody in Alaska seems very well-adjusted…

Well, I’ll end this e-mail now. I just got a text message from my friend Amy asking if I’d like to watch a movie with her and Sarah. To be honest I don’t really feel like going out but I suppose I’ll make good use of the Opposite to Emotion skill and just do it for the sake of doing it.

See you soon, and thanks for reading.

-Eliza

What a day

Merry Christmas, friends! This is the first Christmas for my blog actually. I wonder how I should document the occasion... I apologize in advance for how disorganized and poorly written this post will be. It's late.

I am so full of food right now I can't even think. I can literally feel the skin on my stomach stretching and stretching to accommodate all the extra cookies and cheesecake and fudge and scallop potatoes and butternut squash and ice cream and creme brullee and oooooooh god I must weight a metric ton.

After dinner we went over to the Homer's house for dessert and I got to see Sarah so that was nice. The whole day was nice actually. I slept a lot. I mean, I'm pretty sick with this nasty cold so I was pretty lethargic and run down.

I got me some lovely prezzies too. Some gift cards to Sephora and Booksmith from my parents, some novels and other books, bracelets from my mom and a really pretty silver necklace from my dad with the letter E on it. Auntie So So gave me fifty dollars and a really pretty blue Keep Calm and Carry On notebook. I might use that for journaling thoughts. I got other stuff too but those are what come to mind at the moment...

I hear we're gonna have a big old snowstorm tomorrow and possibly the next day. How exciting! I haven't gone sledding yet at all this year.

The lack of structure in this post is frustrating

I have a sore throat which is just horrible. I guess this means I'm getting a cold. That sucks because colds last for like a month and I don't want to feel sick for a month. I sort of forget if being sick is makes not bingeing easier or harder... I must go back and look at some old sick posts to find out.

I have watched The Proposal on Netflix instant three times in the last 48 hours. I mean, I usually enjoy romantic comedies just as much as the next girl but this one is just too cute I have to keep watching it again and again.

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, which means my family and I go to the Kramer's house after dinner for our annual gingerbread decorating hootenanny. Shocker- I don't feel like going so I've decided that I need to come up with a plan for how to get out of it. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE THIS TRADITION of celebrating the holiday with family friends (their daughter, Ariel, went to nursery school with me!), but sadly my eating disorder is not so keen on it.... especially since the last time everyone saw me I was almost 40 lbs. skinnier. Yeah yeah nobody cares about my weight more than I do and I shouldn't let body image issues control my life and blah blah blah I know I know. I don't care. I've come up with two possible explanations to give my mother about why I can't go. Ha, neither of them are the truth by the way.

Option 1: Tell her I'm simply not up to it this year, and that I need to have a peaceful and solitary evening to gather myself and my thoughts for all the fun on Saturday.

Option 2: Act really sick and tell her to send my regards and apologies to everyone.

I kind of like Option 2 the best. Faking sick is always a safe bet. I mean, who can argue with the whims and inconsistencies of human health? Also it's not entirely false. I really am getting sick.

I was looking back at my posts from this month and I realized that what I said yesterday about having gotten down to consistently only bingeing once a week is total BULLSHIT. Three weeks ago I had that whole babysitting fiasco where I pretty much ate every pint of ice cream in the state of Massachusetts for like... three days straight. Then I'm sure that since then I've binged at least four times here and there. So I take back everything I said about making progress. I'm still a mess.

I really need to change the name of my blog. I was thinking about it yesterday and my brother joked that instead of 'Working on it' it should be "Almost done with it'.

Another good old fashioned recovery post

I was reading this magazine in Dr. Gordon's office the other day about eating disorders (more specifically the section on binge eating), and it had this long list of criteria to define the behaviors and feelings that go along with it:

-Eating large amounts of food when not physically hungry; bingeing or eating uncontrollably
-Unable to stop eating voluntarily
-Eating rapidly
-Eating until feeling bloated or uncomfortably full
-Eating alone
-Hoarding or stealing food
-Low self-esteem, feelings of worthlessness
-Intense guilt about eating
-Depressed moods, mood fluctuations, impatience, irritability
-Intense feeling of disgust with self
-Loathing or hiding of the body under baggy clothes
-Attributes social and professional successes/failures to weight gain/loss
-Binges occur at least twice week

I was feeling pretty awful and disgusted with myself as I moved down the list, because actually, every single one of these symptoms applies to me except for the last one. Yes, I may not have mentioned it lately but I've gotten my binge episodes pretty consistently down to once a week. I feel I should at least give myself credit there. Remember a couple months ago when I couldn't have just one binge day without it being followed by another and another and another? Maybe in another couple months I'll manage to have only two binges a month or something. That would be a dream come true. That's my Christmas wish actually. Dear Santa, all I want for Christmas is to recover from my binge eating disorder.

Aurhghhhh I want to recover sooooo badly!!! I don't think I've ever wanted to get better more than I do RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE. There is so much I want to do and so much I want to accomplish and so many people I want to meet and so many places I want to go and oh so many things I want to learn but I don't want to do them until I've learned to stop using food to control my feelings. Dr. Gordon would say this is an unreasonable way to look at things though. She would say, "You shouldn't have to put your life on hold just because you aren't exactly where you want to be or because you don't look the way you'd like to look." I suppose she's right. I mean, if everyone waited till things were perfect to get their lives going nobody would ever accomplish anything. If Martin Luther King had said, "I'm gonna wait till people stop being racist before I make my speech," he wouldn't have gotten all his great words out there. I'm not quite sure what my point is... I think I just sound corny and a little stupid. However that is a judgement, and the judgement does not serve any constructive purpose at this juncture so I'm going to let that judgmental thought slide right off of my teflon pan mind.

I think I'll go and journal a little bit. Maybe read an ED book. Those are always fun.

Christmas miracles and stuff

Well I called Tulan this morning and she didn't need me to work at all today so I spent half the afternoon sleeping and the other half cleaning my room. IT LOOKS AMAZING. Dr. Gordon would be so proud. I saw her yesterday and we had a nice little session. She said she wishes she could see me more than once every two weeks, but it's just too expensive!! I feel bad reminding her of that but it's the truth. Anyways, she said I could e-mail her or leave a voicemail message over the holidays just to let her know how things are going and if I'm doing alright. Speaking of the holidays...

4 MORE DAYS TILL CHRISTMAS!!!!

My auntie Sarah is coming, probably on Christmas Eve day. It snowed yesterday! It was just the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. I think I've finished all my holiday shopping... I wouldn't mind getting my dad something else in addition to the book he asked for - biography of Keith Richards. Maybe he'd like another solar radio or something. His last one broke. I feel like my dad is the hardest person to shop for out of everyone in my family. It's because his attention span and memory are really bad so anything you buy he either forgets to use or just loses. I hope somebody gives me a Starbucks gift card. I don't even want to think about how much money I've spent on coffee in the last two months. It's obscene. Georgia really likes the song I'm playing right now. Guinea Pigs can listen to and appreciate music can't they? It's Somewhere Over the Rainbow... the really pretty Israel Kamakawiwo'ole version. She's all chiripy and happy about it. Wow. This paragraph is just all over the place.

I think I'll go running again today... or more like tonight. It's already dark out. Yesterday I had the most amazing running experience. I actually ventured out into the snowy weather and ran for twice the amount of time I did last week. Everyone was like you're crazy running out in the cold like that and I was like are you kidding me it's so much fun! I'm so proud of myself for getting back into exercise and appreciating it for what it is and what it feels like in the moment, instead of simply using it as a weight loss strategy. I've cut myself off from real exercise for so many months because everybody told me it was the only way to kick the addiction and now that I finally have it back I feel like a free man. Woman I mean.

It's been too long

Ohmygosh ohmygosh ohmygosh I haven't been able to post anything in what feels like FOREVER because the internet in my house has been totally screwed up and none of us are able to get online. The only reason I'm able to write this now is because I'm using my dad's little portable wireless USB thingy... Wow it hasn't even been a week and it really does feel like I've been away from my blog for too long! So much has happened! So much to tell!

Nothing too eventful to report actually...

I worked a lot and babysat here and there and my friends Amy and Sarah are home for winter break so we hung out two nights ago and watched holiday movies together- Home Alone and Elf to be exact. It was super fun and I'm glad I got to see them. I can't believe how close it is to Christmas!! Speaking of which, another thing that happened was our Quaker Christmas pageant this morning. I somehow wound up directing it this year, which is fun but nevertheless stressful and a little bit of a pain at the same time. I always feel like everything has to be perfect, all the kids need to remember their lines, the costumes have to be appropriate, blah blah blah. When in reality, we're Quakers, we don't give a shit. We just enjoy the spirit of it all. Anyways, the play went pretty well. Joseph forgot his line to the innkeeper and ended up saying something like, "Please let us in! We didn't get much sleep on the camels." And the orchestra totally missed their cue to start Silent Night but some how everything worked itself out and it all came together.

In terms of ED stuff... I guess things have been okay. I ate a lot of candy the night that Sarah and Amy came over and it was definitely binge-like behavior, but it was a lot smaller than my usual binge episodes are so at least that's something, right? I also went running again. Just once. It was really nice actually. The thing I like about running is that I don't actually associate it all that much with my eating disorder or weight loss. Whenever I was really skinny or restricting I never had the energy or strength to run, so I'd just work out in a gym on an elliptical. But it takes a lot for me to go on an efficient and successful run. I've got to eat something fairly substantial two or three hours before, otherwise I won't be able to go longer than fifteen minutes, I need to feel rested and energized, but most important of all- I have to WANT to run. Running when you don't feel like running is TORTURE. And I don't always feel like running. Some days I just content myself with walking to and from work as my exercise, and other days I really feel like running. So in terms of exercise, I think my attitude is pretty healthy at the moment.

Tomorrow I have Dr. Gordon. I totally fucked up on my goal for this week which was to empty my room of any old ice cream cartons or food wrappers and stuff. She wants me to start a no eating rule in my bedroom because apparently eating alone in my room just reinforces the idea that eating is shameful and secretive. I was like, "Can I still eat breakfast in bed while I blog!? It's like a morning ritual." She said that's okay for now, but I should really try to binge/eat in rooms that are designated food areas. Eventually it should foster more normalized eating habits.

Anywho, I missed you guys! God, how sad is that. It literally hasn't even been a week. Now I'm going to go and catch up on all your posts to see what I've missed :)

>:(

ARgh I'm so angry I could spit. I was stuck working at the stupid ice cream store until 6:30 and I'm supposed to get off at 5:00. I missed group at MEDA and now I have to wait another whole week before the next one. I'm especially pissed at my boss Tulan, who said she wouldn't be back any later than 5:30, and then bada bing bada boom she's an hour late and I've missed group. I hate her. I hate myself too actually- for not being more assertive. I could have called her cell and checked in, you know? I could have been like hey when are you getting back...?

The worst part was that when she finally did get back, she was all apologetic and stuff about being late and I said, "Oh, it's no problem."

Then she said, "Really? I thought you had to be somewhere."

"Yeah but it doesn't start until 7:00 so I'll still be able to get there." LIES! Why couldn't I just have told her that yeah I actually missed a pretty important thing and next time I really do have to leave before six o' clock!? Why am I such a dweebus?

I got really anxious and impatient while I was waiting for her, so I started munching on some cracklin' oat bran. Just FYI- I'm not one of those employees who just sits back and guzzles toppings and chocolate syrup when customers aren't looking. Quite the opposite on most days actually... I don't eat very much at work. But I was super hungry and frustrated so I ate like two and half cups worth of cracklin' oat bran and then stopped because I felt like I was entering binge territory. Now I'm home and I feel less anxious but I'm also skipping dinner to make up for the "binge." I put quotes around binge because two and a half cups of cereal isn't very much. It's not even enough to qualify for a dinner really. But I'm afraid if I let myself have anything else to eat tonight I'll lose control and just go hog wild. Hog wild. Get it? Hogs? Pigs? Das me.

I'm cold

It's totally freezing outside and the little weather box on my laptop says it's going to snow but I'm thinking about going for a run. The reason I haven't decided yet is because.... actually two reasons. The first one being, I haven't felt like running in months so I don't know if this is an unhealthy exercise urge, or if it's a genuine desire to move my legs and let off some steam while rocking out to Freddie Mercury on my iPod. I hope it's the latter! So in order to determine weather or not this is eating disordered, I am going to wait an hour and then if I still feel like running I'll go.

I saw Marci this morning. It was a good session and I had a good week to report (just the one binge episode the night Heather slept over). We went over my meals and snacks and I was surprised when she told me I wasn't eating enough. I was like.... "Uhhhh... have you met me?" I thought my food consumption was rather adequate, at least on the days when I'm not bingeing. Then she reminded me that despite my disgusting rolls and thunder thighs I actually have a history of restriction and anorexia and that's why my idea of portion sizes is so screwed up (by the way I added the part about my rolls and thighs. Marci would never say something like that).

My work schedule is going to be really shifty and erratic for the next month or so... with all the holiday hoopla and going to New Hampshire with the family for New Years. Also things will have to change when I start my next round of BU night classes next semester. I don't like this. I fear change. I like my schedule the way it is- crazy double shifts on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays, with a super long weekend to relax. It works for me.

I have to babysit tonight. Not for the McHorribles thankfully! Maybe I'll blog about how my run went after they go to sleep. If I end up running, that is. Wish me luck :)

Throw some stank on it

I came home this afternoon and found the mail at the bottom of the stairs, and at the bottom of the pile was an envelope from Washington University in St. Louis. A thin one. It wasn't for me obviously. I've already experienced the horror of applying to colleges and I don't think I could go through it again. It was for my brother. Poor guy. For those of you who don't know Jake, he's the type of guy you can't imagine being rejected by anybody. Friends love him, girls want him, my parents worship him, and teachers wish every student could be like him. He's also hilarious and I love him. I once asked him how he manages anxiety and bad thoughts. You know what he said? "I don't have those." I would be jealous and resentful but I accepted long ago that Jake and I are just different people and he got the better chromosomes. Anyways, you can imagine how much my faith was shaken when I saw that envelope with Jake's name on it. I went upstairs to found him watching t.v. on the couch.

I said, "Hey, theoretically, if you got a letter from Wash U would you want to open it right away?"

He goes, "Yeah, why? Did something come?"

"I mean... maybe. Well, yeah. It's small though, buddy. I'm sorry."

And then it was weird. He looked (for the first time since I can really ever remember), vulnerable and a little scared. He didn't say anything, just followed me downstairs, saw the envelope, and cursed under his breath. I tried to make him feel better by reminding him that it's just a deferral and not a rejection, but honestly, the difference is negligible. Either way it's not an acceptance, you know? He looked so crushed and I blurted out, "What are you going to do now?"

"I dunno. Apply to all my second choice schools."

"No I mean what are you going to this minute? Like right now." He shrugged and I was confused. If I were him I'd DO something. I doubt I'd go and binge, because I'd be too depressed to eat. I'd probably cut myself, skip work that night, stop studying, and go to sleep for a loooooong time. Maybe even get drunk. But it has been almost 45 minutes since Jake read the letter and you know what he's done? Nothing. He has been sad. He went on his computer and checked the Wash U website to see if anybody else from his school got in... nobody has. He felt a little bit better for a minute or so when we discovered that... then he felt sad again. Now he is watching videos on YouTube. Is this a joke? Where is the wallowing in self pity? Where is the torment toiling? WHERE ARE ALL THE BEHAVIORS???? I am literally sitting across the room from him, just watching and waiting for him to do something like pull out a gun and shoot himself but so far nothing.

Around the same time he got his letter I got a response e-mail from the registrar, giving me a list of my grades from Freshman and Sophomore year (I've been wondering lately what my GPA is and I finally got around to asking). Here we have it: A-, A, A-, A+, A, B+, A-, A-, A. I was so pleasantly surprised! I don't mind bragging about grades because I'm chubby and grades are all I have.

Poor Jake. I'm going to buy him a burrito.

Also I realize my title makes no sense.

So depressed right now

Well yesterday is over and done with and that's a relief. Heather spent the night and came to Quaker Meeting with us this morning but she left straight from Cambridge to go home afterwards and now I have a couple hours to collect myself before pulling an evening shift at Angora. I don't feel like working tonight.

Anyways, last night put me in a depressed and obsessive mood. HEATHER HAS GOTTEN SO FUCKING THIN. She's even skinnier than the last time I saw her so I not only felt enormous but I looked enormous too. Looking enormous is even worse than feeling enormous because you can feel enormous without being enormous but I AM ENORMOUS. All through dinner and watching Christmas movies I wanted so badly to just ask her what was going on and how she was feeling but we didn't actually get to talking until around 11:30 when we started getting ready for bed. I forget how the weight thing came up... I know I didn't blatantly point out to her that she had lost a ton of weight because months and months of therapy and eating disorder treatment has taught me to NEVER COMMENT ON PEOPLE'S WEIGHT. She mentioned something about having obsessive thoughts and lots of anxiety... not being able to sleep... being too busy to eat regular meals. She said she doesn't feel good and then I said, "Yeah, you've looked healthier. Still pretty though!" And then she was like, "Yeah I know I know I've lost too much weight. My doctor sort of warned me about that." Luckily it doesn't sound too eating disordered. Granted, I'm not a clinician, but I've known Heather for a while and even though she's struggled with feeling fat and going on diets, she does not use or think about food nearly enough to have a problem with it. I do however think she needs help, because the panic and anxiety is keeping her from eating and sleeping.

So we talked for a good long while about our issues. Not to sound like I'm minimizing her plight, but I'd trade problems with her in a second. I'd SO much rather have panic attacks and obsessions that keep me from eating than continue living as I am right now- with gigantic thighs, a pot belly, and a sugar addiction.

I e-mailed the registrar at my school back in New York because I just realized the other day that I have no idea what my college GPA even is. I still haven't heard back from him though.

What a mess

Why do things always have to be out of my control? Why can't I just control everything and everyone and everything that everyone does and everything that everyone will ever do? Is that so much to ask? I'm reliable. I think I could be trusted with absolute power.

Heather is coming over this evening for dinner and possibly the night. Cousin Heather. Remember Heather? She lived here for a year, half of the time I was away at college and the other half I was here sharing my room with her. I love Heather and she's totally the best cousin ever but she is so triggering in like every single way. She's so triggering that she hasn't even gotten here yet and already I've eaten two take home pints of frozen yogurt from Angora. Hey, at least it wasn't ice cream.

Basically I always want to binge around her because she provokes anxiety and bad thoughts that I cannot handle. Last year, when I was anorexic, I was skinnier than she was. Heather has never even come close to being overweight, but she was really depressed by the fact that even though I'm four inches taller than her, I was also ten pounds lighter. Slowly but surely, she started losing weight on that ridiculous paleolithic diet everyone is going nuts about, and I started gaining weight because, well, lets face it- food tastes good and I discovered that bingeing was better at solving my problems than restriction was. Anywho, long story short: She is super skinny now and I am super fat.

Can you guys do that thing where you post encouraging comments and pro-recovery sentiments for me? I could really use it. My parents are really pissing me off as well. My whole family has fallen into this horrible pattern of not putting any effort whatsover into keeping the house clean, so we just let it become a toxic waste pit for a couple weeks and then whenever company comes over we clean and it's really stressful because there is so much cleaning to do... In fact, at this very moment my dad is pestering me in this really passive agressive way to pick up all the clothes and trash that have flooded the upstairs living room.

FUCK YEAH!!!!

I got a 98 on my Psych final!!! That means I'll get an A- overall!!! Which is a huge relief because I knew I was teetering between a B+ and A- average but this test grade totally clinches it!!! I AM SO THE MAN!!!

I asked Jake if he could think of a nicer and more appropriate title for this post that still expresses how happy and proud I am of my awesomeness and he suggested either 'boo-yah!' or 'Ray Allen for 3!' Apparently that last one is what everyone shouts whenever Ray Allen scores a 3 pointer. Whatever that means. I don't care.

I think I'd rather just be doing school full time. I like making money and stuff at my job but I miss being a student so much. I can't wait till next fall when I go back to New York! I've decided to take two evening classes at BU next semester, so that once I go back to my regular college workload next year, it won't seem as overwhelming. So in January I'll be starting Health Psychology and Statistics (math, gross, I know), and then once I go back to real school I can start my year long pre-health courses like Bio and Chem. Yeah, that's right bitches. I have a plan.

Now all I gotta do is recover from an eating disorder and I'll be good to go.

This never happened

I should not be blogging at work I should not be doing this but aaaah oh my god I'm so bored and I need to talk about stuff. The other day Tulan said we were having issues with the work computer and said it might be because of employees going on the internet. Even though I shouldn't really be doing personal stuff during working hours I highly doubt that going online is the cause of our system issues. Tulan is on the internet ALL THE FREAKING TIME checking her facebook and e-mail or whatever. I think she's just trying to be scary. It's kind of working though so I should really get off soon.

Good meeting with Marci yesterday. We did a behavior chain of one of my binge episodes from over the weekend and that helped a lot. Do you guys know what a behavior chain is? THEY ARE GENIUS. Basically, you write a step by step account of everything you did, thought, and felt leading up to behavior. And I mean everything. Here's one of mine: Woke up and thought about sleeping some more so I slept. Woke up an hour later and had breakfast on the floor of my room while checking e-mail and such. Studied for an hour and a half then watched tv. Felt hungry but ignored it. At 10:30 I was still hungry so I decided to have a snack but I hadn't planned what to eat. Went downstairs and picked up a box of Triscuits. Started eating Triscuits out of the box and thought that it was weird that I was doing that. It felt binge-like. I stopped and told myself it was too big of a snack so I could just consider it an early lunch. Went back upstairs and got a phone call from Mrs. McHorrible about babysitting. She mentioned something about making sure her daughters ate the light ice cream for dessert because she didn't want them to gain "holiday weight." This comment made me feel depressed beyond belief and I couldn't stop thinking about it. In order to get the thought out of my head I went downstairs again and all out binged.

After you write out the sequence of events you go back and find the spots where you could have altered your thinking or made a different choice. For instance, after talking to Mrs. McHorrible I could have chosen to tell myself that just because she has an unhealthy expectation of her little girls does not mean I have to let it effect my behavior. Even if thinking about her comment is bothersome, I have sat through painful moments before and I can do it again.

Behaviors chains are awesome. Do one. Do one now.

Tonight I have my support group at MEDA. That's always a hoot. Anyway, I think I'll have lunch now. First I have to make sure I delete all my internet activity from the computer history though. Until last night I never actually knew you could delete your internet history, but my brother said you can make it so nothing ever gets saved and no one will ever be able to see what sites you've been on. He does that on his lap top actually... probably to cover his tracks after watching porn. Ew.

Crawling out of the pit

Today has been average/decent. I woke up at noon, which isn't surprising since I had an ice cream hangover from yesterday and I went to bed late. But I was able to study for a couple of hours for my final this evening, and then I had breakfast at 3:00. I'm thinking that if I feel like I do a good job tonight I might treat myself to a celebratory burrito when it's over. Not another excuse to binge, I swear! I just really enjoy Mexican food.

Today will be day one back on the Prozac. Next few weeks will most likely be riddled with ED urges and obsessive thoughts as the chemicals in my brain attempt to readjust, but thankfully the work week is starting so that should provide some structure and stability to my day. I'm also seeing Marci tomorrow but I don't really know what to talk about. Maybe I'm just feeling apathetic? I dunno. It'll go a little something like this: I'll tell her that I had a bunch of binge days and now I'm feeling like sea scum. She'll write it down and ask why this week was difficult. I'll tell her I went off my medication a couple weeks ago and that the behaviors are merely an exhibition of that mistake. She'll ask why and under what circumstances I binged and I'll tell her about babysitting for the bad people. She'll ask if I kept track of my meals on the handout she gave me. I'll say whoops no because why would I want documentation of myself eating everything in sight. She'll ask what I want to work on this week, and how she can help me and I'll say I don't know why bother anymore because nothing I try ever works. She'll suggest I talk to my therapist about reframing those thoughts. I'll tell her I want to do is lose weight. She'll say that she won't help me lose weight until I stop bingeing and stop thinking of eating and nutrition as some sort of means to an end. I'll come up with some really stingey meal plan for her to approve for me but she'll just say it doesn't have enough grains or fat or whatever. Then I'll mope and get all angry about why it's so hard for me be normal and she'll say I don't know.

I'm sad that it's my last night of class. Studying has been such a help when I need to feel better about myself or get my mind off of things.

Are you there God it's me, Failure

It's times like these when I wish I knew how to call upon the lord to give me something in the way of spiritual guidance. Whenever times get tough and I don't know what skills to use or what meal plan to follow or who to talk to I often wonder if I should put my faith in... well, faith I guess. The problem is, despite being raised (albeit rather liberally) in the Quaker tradition, I've always subscribed to the idea that life is what WE make of it and that giving some all-powerful entity the credit for the ups and downs of life is just not in keeping with the natural world. But I'm really struggling right now and it is ever so tempting to pray. Tomorrow I have to go to meeting for worship anyway to talk to the kids about the Christmas pageant... I suppose it wouldn't hurt to take just a little bit of of time to ask for some help from the divine. I'll feel like a hypocrite though. Or like the popular girl's best friend who stops being friends with her once she finds out the popular girl is pregnant and no longer popular. Does that make sense? It makes sense in my head.

Anyways, in case you didn't pick up on the overall tone of this post so far, I'm on my second binge day and I feel like shit. I'm currently doing my overnight babysitting stint for the McHorrible family but the kids have been asleep for a couple hours and I haven't really been able to do the same. I sort of feel like it's because I haven't been taking my meds very consistently for the past couple of weeks. I didn't go off of them intentionally. I think it's just that sometimes, after a good long chunk of time with no behaviors, I start "forgetting" that I need medication and then I just stop taking them. Now I feel rotten in every single way imaginable. Which brings me back to God. Can God help me? If there is a God surely he/she/it would give me some relief from this torture.

Doesn't God play a pretty big role in the Alcoholics Anonymous steps? Why is that? Why can't eating disorders have a twelve step program? Answer me that, please.

Oh well

Binged after all. Fuck. I'm sorry. I feel bad, especially after my last post which was all like look at me and what a good job I'm doing. I probably shouldn't make this too long of a post since I'm babysitting as we speak. It's Friday so I let the kids watch some television. They deserve it. I also gave them cookies. They deserve those too.

Buuuughhhh

Almost binged but stopped after the 7th saltine with peanut butter. Ugh, for so many reasons I feel like bingeing today. First of all, I weighed myself, and it was not pretty. I gained four pounds over Thanksgiving weekend (half of which I'm sure is just water because I'm totally about to get my period... but still). Whenever I see a number that I'm not satisfied with I immediately feel like bingeing because I start thinking, why should I even bother? Also, today and tomorrow I am babysitting for the worst family in the world so that sucks major balls as well. The mother of the kids is a nightmare. She micromanages everything, doesn't pay me enough, and definitely doesn't know how to handle her three very high-maintenance children. Plus she is triggering beyond all belief. Her son, Liam, needs to gain weight so she buys really high fat ice creams and yogurts for him to eat, but she doesn't want her little daughters to gain weight, so they can only have fruit and cottage cheese for after school snacks. Also, she always comments on my weight. At least, she comments on it when I'm thin. That's why it sucks. When I was anorexic last year she was all like, "Oh my gosh you look amazing but your mother must be worried about you!" And when I'm heavy she doesn't say anything at all so you can totally tell she's wondering what the hell happened to me. I hate her. I hate her more than words can even begin to express.

So I've got that babysitting job from 2:30 to 7:30 this afternoon... and then tomorrow I'm going back for round two. Actually, tomorrow I'm spending the night at their house because the parents are going away. That should be an adventure.

Anyways. Proud of myself for not following through on the binge though! The more I learn from Dr. Gordon, my Psych class, support group, and overall experience with an eating disorder, then more I come to appreciate that the more times you are able to come up with something to do besides binge, the easier not bingeing will become.

I heart MEDA

I love my support group. I'm so glad I started going back because it makes me feel so much less alone in the world. Tonight it was just two other women and me. I was about to say two other girls but they seem like women actually. I'm a woman too, you know. Anyways, tonight I met Lauren. She hasn't been to a group since July, and she talked a lot about how she was anxious about coming back because she'd gained so much weight and she was worried what people would think. She said, "I can't help it but whenever I see someone, even one of my parents, I can't help but constantly imagine how fat they must think I am." Awww. It felt so good to know I'm not the only one who does that. Sometimes, when people are talking to me, I don't even hear what they're saying because in my own head I have this ongoing chatter of what they must be really thinking of me. Isn't that scary? It's horrifying but now I know I'm not crazy... or at least, not the only one who is crazy.

I also came to a startling realization tonight and I was glad I was with other people when I found it out, because I almost had a panic attack. We were talking about what it would be like to live a life without an eating disorder and I realized that even if I stop using behaviors, I will never be a truly well adjusted person because I have so many other maladaptive coping strategies that are just as bad if not WORSE than bingeing and restricting. Here's one- isolation. I have lost such a big chunk of my young adult life to isolation. Not going to my junior semi, refusing prom invitations from guys in High School, not going to Michigan last summer, not calling people back when they want to get in touch or hang out with me, not auditioning for plays or choirs, and SO MUCH MORE. Another one is the baggy clothing. For those of you who don't know me personally or see me everyday you can't really know this but I don't wear nice clothes. I would love to though! I have 27 pairs of beautiful shoes in my closet that I bought years ago but have never worn because I can't find the right outfit to go with them because I'm just so fat. I have drawers full of cardigans and skinny jeans but they won't be coming out any time soon. Wearing my brother's shirts and my dad's old jeans cover the chubbiness enough so that I feel safe but at the same time, I look like someone who lives under a bridge.

I said to everyone, "There is just no way I can even begin to start letting go of all this shit when I didn't even know it was a problem until right now." And then one of the group leaders was like, "Well being mindful of what you're doing and how you're doing it is the first place to start... and it seems like you just did that."

Oh, the work week

Today is Tuesday and that means I gotta pull myself out of holiday weekend mode. Aunt Sarah left on Sunday and that made me sad so I really wanted to binge yesterday and the day before. I didn't though. Behaviors tend to throw me off my game and I can't afford to get sloppy this week. Which reminds me- did I mention I got promoted at Angora!!? I am now employee supervisor. I'm getting paid more too... just not sure how much yet. I hope the other girls won't hate me now. They have been working here longer than I have and some of them even trained me when I first started. Hmmm... maybe I just won't tell them.

In addition to my new work duties, I also have my psychology final next Monday. AAAaaaaaaahhhh! Luckily, the exam is not cumulative so I only have to review the chapters on personality and psychological disorders. My brother was like, "And you probably don't even need to study that last one." Harhar. So I'll need to set aside some time every day to study. Studying is fun. It's like curling up in a warm blanket of knowledge and intrigue. Except when you don't feel like studying. Then it's just a bummer.

ALSO, for some reason, I let my mother and the other members of the First Day School Committee pressure me into directing the Christmas Pageant this year. I guess I don't mind. I mean, I love Christmas. It means everything to me and anything I can do to bring myself closer to the spirit of the holiday is great, but it also adds anxiety to my already panic riddled mind and I don't like stress.

Today I'm working a double shift. I forgot to bring money with me for dinner so I'm really hoping I make enough in the tip jar by then so I can go out and get a salad or something.

Thankful :)

Well yesterday was fun. Thanksgiving is always a hoot. I made three dishes. I made little butternut squash slices with brown sugar and butter and thyme on top, then I made green beans with caramelized butter and pine nuts, and an apple pie with a crumb topping. I ended up getting really nervous and scared that I would binge so I unwittingly started drinking waaaaaaaaaaay too much champagne. It was horrible. I started talking way too much about everything, I cried a couple times, told my Dad and Jake how much I loved them and how much I needed them to know that even thought I don't say it all the time I needed them to know that they mean everything to me. Then I told my sister that she is beautiful in every single way and she should never change or let anyone tell her she isn't good enough. Then I told my mom that I had a crush on Bob. Whoops. My aunt Sarah (the one from NY) came for Thanksgiving too and she was really nice about the whole thing and said nobody is going to hold anything against me just because I got carried away with the holiday. I had the most wonderful moment with my dad though. I've always got along with my dad, but neither of us is very affectionate. He's shy and I don't like hugging people or expressing too much gooey love stuff. Somehow though, being really sloshed last night brought out my true feelings. I cuddled up next to him on the couch as he was reading a book after dinner and then I started crying onto his shoulder.

Me: "I'm so sorry, Dad. I just need you to know. I hope you know that right?"

Dad: "Know what? That you're sorry? What are you sorry for?"

Me: "No. I love you. I want you to know that I love you. I'm sorry for not telling you that I love you! I promise to fix everything and always be a good daughter and get good grades so you can be proud and know that I'm working hard. And I'm so sorry for embarrassing everyone tonight. I should just leave. I'm sorry I ever came home."

And then he said he loved me too and I didn't embarrass anybody and the LAST thing he wanted was for me to leave or go away because he loves me too!! Can you believe it! MY DAD LOVES ME!!! I guess I always knew this but he never says it.

Anyways, today I hit the mall with Rachel bright and early so that we could make good on the Black Friday sales!! Now that her ears are pierced all she is really wanting for Christmas is earrings. I'm still working on my wish list.

Desr blog,

I would like to wish everyone a happy thanksgibble gobble becaue noboy noe s ehat its like to b me. Also, I'm drunk. So ill eraase this in the morning. I just loe youe all. Fot so many reason but ainly mbecause none of you deserve to have eating disorders. Ed is a bitch. Ed wants terrible things and nothing but the worst fro yiur o just dump him now and stop being a slave to the horroble eatig disodwer. I decided to get super drunk so that i wouldn't eat too much food but in the end I ended up drinking too much and now I feel like shitty shitterson. I told everyon the truth abpit everyhing and I love you gius so please don;t keep on doing this horrible bingeing and resitricing and puring ing and ,making oyurself throw up because thats' horrible and you deserve so much better.

I ove you guys and tomoorwo it's noevemrer 26th. I love my guinea pig georga. she so cute.

My face is really red right now

Tomorrow Tulan comes back from her one week vacation which means carefree happy fun time at work is over :( Don't get me wrong- I love my boss. She's taught me a lot about what it takes to run a store and she's totally committed to her job. But when I work with her I feel like I can never be myself. I'm always in cleaning or servant mode. I never get a chance to sit down, I can't joke around as much with the customers, I can't go on the computer because she's always doing something on it, I can't sing along to the snappy tunes on the store playlist, I can't adjust the heating system to my favorite temperature (71 degrees), and oh so much more. I'm staying optimistic though. I think she's going to start trusting me alone in the store more often.

My shift last night was so much fun. I was working with Dilan, the Turkish girl who's here in Boston taking English classes, and I pretty much adore her. She's a musician, and last night she overheard me singing while I was cleaning the employee bathroom and she was like, "Woah, how long have you been singing?" Ummm... I don't sing. At least not much. I took piano when I was in High School and there was a little bit of voice involved but other than that nothing. I was so flattered that she was impressed with my voice! So during the slow parts of the evening when there were no customers I would belt out Lady Gaga and Dilan would come in with stellar harmonies. It was like a scene out of a movie.

Today was just weird. I spent a lot of time studying because my psych final is next week and I want to get an A, and in an effort to maximize my studying capabilities I took a Ritalin. That was not wise. Ritalin is awesome at first because I can get so much done in a very short amount of time without feeling overwhelmed, but then shit starts to hit the fan. My palms get sweaty and I start getting really anxious- jumping at every little sound, you know? Plus it fucks with appetite in like the least fun way. I can't eat anything without feeling like my stomach is going to squeeze together and throw it all up.

I also took my sister to get her ears pierced today. She was so scared and almost passed out. It was cute. I got my ears pierced too. Second piercings above the original ones. So that was fun and it helped me take my mind off of how sick I felt from the Ritalin. Ugh, never again will I take Ritalin unless it is absolutely necessary. You know it's made out of about 85% of the same stuff cocaine is made out of? No joke.

Look! I wrote the book on crazy!

Reading the chapter on personality in my psych textbook. It's pretty interesting I think. I actually prefer the chapters about anatomy of the brain and eyeball but learning about people is useful too I suppose. Presently I am making notecards of the eight Psychoanalytic Ego Defense Mechanisms. Defense mechanisms, if you want the definition are "the unconscious mental operations that deny or distort reality in order to reduce anxiety levels." It's hilarious actually- I use just about every single DM discussed in this chapter. Want me to prove it?

Repression- When I was fourteen there was this kid who sat next to me in my computer class and he'd touch himself and ask me to narrate dirty scenarios for him to imagine while he did so. I have repressed this memory because it was horrifying and the only reason I remember it is because my mom reminds me about it every so often. She thinks it's why I don't have a boyfriend.

Denial- I refuse to believe that I use this defense mechanism :)

Displacement- I actually don't really use this one... displacement is when a dangerous or unacceptable impulse is repressed, and then directed at a safer substitute target. Kind of like bullies. A lot of bullies bully other innocent people because they themselves are being bullied at home. I guess maybe I take stuff out on Rachel once in a while... but if I feel like I'm experiencing "dangerous" or "unacceptable impulses" I usually just try to be alone.

Intellectualization- I use this one ALL THE FUCKING TIME. Like after a period of not being on my meds and getting really depressed and obsessive compulsive, I tend to focus on what is happening in my brain chemistry as opposed to what I'm actually feeling. No prozac means I don't receive my selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor, and since serotonin affects mood, sleep, and eating patterns I will most likely be thrown off accordingly.

Projection- Similar to displacement, I don't really use it. It's when an impulse is repressed and then attributed or projected on to other people.

Rationalization- Another one I use all the time. Like, if I restrict at work I tell myself it's not technically restriction because I'm at work and literally don't have the time to eat. Lots of people don't have time to eat so it's okay for me to skip an exchange or two.... right?

Reaction Formation: This is a scary one. An anxiety-arousing behavior is repressed, and its energy finds release in an exaggerated expression of the opposite behavior. Like, a mother who harbors feelings of resentment toward her child represses them and become overprotective of the child. Weird right? I can't think of anything I do like this.

Sublimation: A repressed impulse is released in the form of a socially acceptable or even admired behavior. Hmm... I guess sometimes I sublimate my anxiety or self-loathing through cleaning or studying.

I love defense mechanisms. They're so fun!

Bite me, world

My eating disorder has been such an asshole to me today. And I haven't even done anything wrong or engaged in any behaviors! From the moment I woke up I felt like a piece of rotten poop on a stick- too fat, too ugly, college drop-out, no friends, no future, roar roar roar.

I just finished dinner. Made another amazing squash dish with fontina cheese and bread crumbs for the family, and then as a special treat I brought home some frozen yogurt and ice cream from Angora so everyone could have a yummy dessert. I just love feeding people! Anyways, I had like three helpings of dinner food, and then a banana frozen yogurt. Because it wasn't a binge and it wasn't exactly a small meal either, I feel really awful. You know that feeling? I didn't binge so I don't have that lovely high you get from bingeing but at the same time I didn't restrict so I feel guilty for feeling full. I HATE THIS! Please help me you guys. Please tell me everything is going to be okay and I won't be tortured forever. I mean, it's one thing to use behaviors and feel awful about giving into the urges but I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING WRONG. Why won't these horrible feelings leave me alone?

I guess I'm also a little upset because I was reading this article today that said there's a 50% chance that a female child will develop an eating disorder after puberty if the parent had an eating disorder once too. What the fuck? I realize I'm not thinking about kids yet obviously but it's pretty depressing to think I might sentence another human being to a life of THIS.

I really wish I could purge.

That's not true. I'm sorry I said that. Purging is a devastating addiction and I know on some level I must be thankful that I can't do it. I'm just feeling so self-destructive right now.

What I accomplished today

Trying to be best friends with your eleven year old sister is about as productive as trying to be friends with a dog. At first it's super fun- You're running around throwing balled up socks at each other, watching Glee together, eating baked kale with a little bit of salt and then all of a sudden you remember your sister is just a dog and you can't actually have meaningful conversations or interactions. Anyway, for the past week or so she's been sleeping in my room with me. However, I think that ended about fifteen minutes ago. Here's how it went:

Rachel: "Can we listen to Defying Gravity? Not the Broadway one. The Glee one?"

Me: "Hmmm... it's time to start winding down for the night I think. For falling asleep music I have Frank Sinatra and Regina Spektor."

Rachel: "Okay well If I hear one more oldies song I'm going to sleep downstairs."

Then I played the theme from Breakfast at Tiffany's and she left.

The good thing about Rachel is that she can't really hold a grudge for longer than five minutes. We'll be doing Easy Bake Oven and manicures again tomorrow night I'm sure.

I FINALLY got myself to go back to the MEDA support group on Wednesday evenings. It was nice. I forgot how good it feels to just lay all your shit out on the table and still have people love you for it. All (three) of us in group seem to be going pretty strong without using behaviors at the moment, but it's still hard- especially with the holidays coming... food and family? How much more triggering can you get? Anyways, I picked up a bunch of handouts about how to cope with stressful situations regarding Thanksgiving next week. I'll put some of the better ones in my post tomorrow so you guys can take a look and see if they might work for you. Thanksgiving!!! I love gobble gobble!!! Every year I make my own pie crusts from scratch.

La di da blogging at work

Tulan has left me alone at the store for a couple of hours this evening so that she can go the emergency room. Her chest has been hurting. Not that achy tired feeling, but like deep sharp chest pains. It was actually I who told her she should see a doctor. I mean, it's probably nothing, but on the off chance that it's something, I'd hate to think it just went ignored. Also, I love having the store to myself because I don't have to try as hard to look like I'm working! So right now I am legit sitting on the stool in front of the cash register, tapping away on the store's computer.

I'll be pulling a night shift tonight. Maybe someone will pick me up at 10:30. If not I don't mind walking, but my dad gets uneasy when I walk home that late. He's like, "It's really not as safe as you think, especially along route 9 by the woods."

I said, "What do you mean? I haven't seen a coyote around here in months."

He just blinked at me and shook his head. "Eliza, read the newspaper every once in a while."

OH OH OH! I saw Marci the nutritionist this morning! For the first time since the summer! I forgot how awesome she is. It's funny, she's really sweet and super knowledgeable when it comes to nutrition and the inner workings of an eating disordered mind, but you can totally tell that outside of that, she's a total space cadet. Like, okay- she asked what I'm into these days and I told her science in general but my latest craze is primates. I miss my biological anthropology class :( Marci goes, "What are primates again? Like Bigfoot?" I sort of paused before responding because I thought maybe she was kidding but she wasn't.

Anyways, I updated her on my current situation: Working part time at Angora Ice, Monday night class at BU, new therapist named Dr. Gordon, not going back to college in NY until next fall... a lot has changed since the summer. I also told her about how I'm totally done with bingeing and restricting. Behaviors no more!!! I asked about how much I should be eating because even though I'm trying to eat intuitively, I'm not sure whether it's too much or not enough... so she gave me a bunch of charts to fill out my exchanges and levels of hunger before and after eating etc. I'm curious to find out if what I'm eating is in fact a normal, healthy amount.

I should get back to work. Pretty sure this is technically time theft :/

Just call me Grumpus

Today was just okay. You know those days where nothing special really happens, and at the same time it's not like anything is stressing you out, but somehow despite all the dullness you still feel depressed? Well that's what today was like. I saw Dr. Gordon and told her about it. I told her about how even though the past two weeks have been really successful for me in terms of school and recovery and work, I was in a sucky mood today and I couldn't figure out why.

She was like, "Do you remember when your mood seemed to drop so suddenly?"

"Yeah. Like an hour ago. Right before I came here I guess..." Then we discovered that I in fact have a pattern of getting really down right before doing anything related to therapy or treatment. Most likely because I have anxieties about delving into deep and scary issues. "It doesn't seem fair." I said. "I do all this hard work only to feel shitty. From now on I'm just going to stop trying (Note: When I say things like 'I give up' or 'I'm done trying' I don't usually mean it. I suppose I just enjoy the attention it grabs)." She recommended that I use the teflon pan skill when unwanted thoughts and feelings come up. What is the teflon pan skill you ask? Well here's a little free DBT for those of you who, like me, feel bullied by their emotions: Intrusive thoughts are just thoughts, and once they're gone, they don't necessarily have to leave any evidence or trail. Teflon pans get super sticky and gross when you cook with them, but all you gotsta do is wipe it off with a sponge and it's sleek and shiny again. Bad thoughts or urges work the same way. They are okay to have, but they don't need to become anything other than soggy food that sits there for bit, and ultimately gets washed away.

So seeing Dr. Gordon helped some. Hopefully her words of wisdom will be enough to keep me going for another two weeks. I still think it's unfair that I can't have weekly therapy anymore :(

Speaking of people who need therapy, Rachel has apparently moved into my room. While mom and dad were away for the weekend I let her sleep up here for a few nights just so she wouldn't have to be alone, but then last night I found her carting a box of crap upstairs to my room. She had set up a mattress in the corner, arranged picture frames and stuffed animals next to it, and even brought up a little shower caddy complete with shampoo and conditioner. Yeah, maybe I'll let this continue for the rest of the week, but after that she's getting the boot.

Drowsy and confused

Alright, this is officially ridiculous. Where are these kids' parents? I've been babysitting for Rosalind and River since five o' clock this afternoon and it is now almost midnight. I don't mind the length of time per se, I just wish people would let me know how long they are planning on leaving me alone with their children.

Today felt rocky, in regards to the eating disorder. No major behaviors, just a lot of menstrual pain and hunger that made me want to devour everything in sight. After I gave the kids dinner, I wound up eating like six tubes of go-gurt (only 70 calories each but still), and then I had a medium amount of milk chocolate. That was over an hour ago and now I'm hungry again so... was it a binge? I dunno. Regardless of what it was, it happened, and now it's time to move on.

I'm disheartened because I didn't do as well on my psych test as I wanted to. I got a B+, which is fine and dandy when you don't know what you're going to get but I studied every day for that motherfucker and I deserve better than an 88.

I'm so sleepy right now. And also starting to wonder if I should be worried that they aren't home yet.

* (Time lapse of about twenty minutes)

Home now. Made a hundred dollars in one night so can't complain too much about how late they were.

One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind

Brace yourselves friends, because for the first time since... ever, I have some semblance of a plan for the future.

The plan was not made hastily or within the past couple of hours as most of my plans usually are. Rather, I like to think that everything I've learned and everything I've experienced has lead me to this path. I'll just cut to the chase now. I was talking with Dr. Gordon a couple weeks ago about how I had no idea what I wanted to focus on in school or what I wanted to be when I grow up, and she gave me the best advice anyone could have given me: Do what interests and excites you RIGHT NOW. Don't worry about a career just yet, because who knows what will happen. So I thought about my interests. I've got lots of them. I'm interested in animals, food and cooking, the French language, human evolution, theater, astronomy, music, genetics, writing, Jane Austen novels, medicine... tons more but those are the ones I can think of off the top of my head. So after much deliberation and back and forth e-mailing with the pre-health advisor back at school, I've decided to start taking the prerequisite courses for a career in health care. I don't know for certain if medical school is even where I'll end up going after college, I just want to take the classes themselves. Who knows, I could discover a hidden passion for electromagnetism in my Physics class next year or perhaps I'll have a gift for balancing chemical equations (doubtful though... chemistry is the work of the devil). The point is, I'm focusing on the right now and the near future, not the distant future.

What sort of bearing will this have on my leave of absence from school? It's pretty simple actually... the big four prerequisites I need to take must be year long, and since I can't start a year long course in the middle of the year, I have to wait until next fall to take them. So I guess that is when I'm going back to school. In the meantime, I'm going to continue with little one semester courses back home here in Boston. I'll keep taking pysch, maybe some math (ew), possibly another anthropology class.

I like my plan. It's very open to possibilities. But wow, another WHOLE YEAR before I can physically return to New York? I guess it'll be good for me... I could take advantage of the time to really focus on eradicating the eating disorder. Speaking of which, still no binge or restriction episodes since my newfound health kick. And I haven't had many urges to binge because I'm not going hungry. Who knew that healthy eating was the solution to poor eating habits... although Thanksgibbers is in two weeks from yesterday and isn't that like national binge day? Oh god. I'm scared for my life.

I'm insane so just bear with me

So here is an e-mail that Bob sent me about eight hours ago. I wanted to post it so I could get some advice:

I can’t believe I forgot to pay you….that is unacceptable you should be calling me to complain :)

I’ll drop off an envelope at your house tomorrow. So so sorry.

Yeah, I babysat for Helen and Brian almost two weeks ago and he still hasn't paid me. I guess I really don't care all that much seeing as I wish he was my husband. And okay, am I absolutely nuts or was there something in this message to suggest that MAYBE he might like me too?? Am I totally reaching here? Hmmm... this calls for deeper analysis.

First of all, it's informal. He doesn't even write "Hi Eliza" or "Eliza-" to start off the e-mail, which suggests that we have enough ongoing communication to leave out the inconsequential names.

Second of all, he appears to be using humor in the line about me calling to complain... and the presence of a smiley face suggests lightheartedness...

Third of all, he uses TWO sorry's in his apology at the end. Perhaps he is worried that one sorry would not be enough to merit my forgiveness, so he uses two sorry's to ensure that he is in my good graces.

Thoughts? I know I'm a psycho but I need to know if there's anything there...

Anyways, I just replied. Here is what I wrote:

Don't worry about it. We can go halvsies on the blame because I'm terrible at reminding people who owe me money!!

And then I too used a smiley face. Only my smiley face was animated and laughing. I don't care if my reply is corny or overly friendly. Is it though? No forget it. I don't care. I mean I do care, but the important thing is to be yourself.

Screw this I'm going to bed. This has been possibly the most worthless and pathetic post I have ever written.

CRAMPS

I want more than anything to write a coherent post right now, but it feels like little gremlins are tunneling through my uterus as we speak.

So I missed another MEDA support group this evening. I feel awful actually... it's just that by the time I got home from work all I wanted to do was watch last night's episode of glee with my sister and scarf down a nice big bowl of coleslaw. Plus I have lady pains in my lower abdomen! I know that if I really wanted to go to group I would find the energy and motivation to go. Sometimes I'm reluctant because every time I go I get triggered and depressed and fat. You heard me. Going to group makes me fatter. And, since I've been doing so well on my new recovery kick I don't want to risk catching urges or behaviors from the other girls. I know that sounds terrible it is pretty selfish and I'm sorry. I enjoy the listening part and the helping people part, but it's the afterward part that's just no fun at all- when I'm left with all the stories and sadness of what I've heard. Maybe next week I'll be mentally stronger.

My parents are going away tomorrow with Jake to look at colleges in Maine. Ha, that brings back memories. I HATED looking at schools. Guess it was my reluctance to leave home and become an adult that made the whole idea of going to college so unappealing. Look how much I've grown since then.

You got the sarcasm, right? Anyways, they won't be back until Sunday or something like that, which means I've gotsta watch little sis while everyone is away. Not a problem. I look forward to many long discussions we'll have about the latest Disney channel movie.

Evening snack for tonight: A cheese stick and Motrin

Tummy and test troubles

It is rainy and glum outside- perfect test taking weather. I can't wait to take my test, not because I'm good at taking tests or because I enjoy taking tests but because I think I'm going to do super well. I guess there are pros and cons to taking BU night classes. I mean, for one thing, they're not for actual BU college students so they only meet once or twice a week, and in the evenings. Also, there's no homework or paper writing, just tests. I don't quite know whether to count this as a pro or not. Sometimes tests destroy me, other times they are a blessing, because all you have to do is study! No research, no drafting, just good old fashion notecards and diagrams. However, there is a lot of pressure to do well on the tests because there are only about three tests a semester, and those three tests are THE ONLY THING that counts towards your final grade. This test I'm about to take tonight will the second of the three. I didn't do so hot on the last one because I didn't want to study very much. Hmm. Must have been a binge weekend. Also, since the professor said she'll drop the lowest of the three test scores, I figured I could get away with one stinker. So that leaves me with just two. I've crunched the numbers, and according to my calculations, in order to get an A or an A- at the end I can't get less than an 85 on the test tonight. I just don't know what I'll do if I don't do well. What if I studied all the wrong shit?

On top of all this, I've had a knot in my stomach since this morning. I don't think it's related to test anxiety... maybe it's a peptic ulcer. I deserve a peptic ulcer :( Luckily, the tummy problem has not interfered with my meal or snack consumption and I've been able to eat healthily and normally all day. I think we're on Day 5 or Day 6 of the new and improved lifestyle? Wow! Almost a week. ohmygosh in a few days I will have gone exactly ONE WEEK with absolutely no behaviors whatsoever!!! That includes restricting!

Dooooooooooooooooooom

Oh god. In a fit of overzealous self-confidence last night I committed to turning over yet ANOTHER new leaf in my life- healthier sleep habits. I was sitting at dinner last night with the family eating spaghetti (major trigger food but I ate a very portioned amount, go me!), when I brought up the topic of my mild insomnia and how I thought it was due to my sleeping in too late in the mornings (my shifts at Angora don't start till noon so I gots me lots o time to snooze). Then it turned into a whole entire conversation about all the things that are wrong with me. Not very much fun. My parents were all like, "Yeah yeah we've been meaning to bring that up with you. You really need to get back on track, Eliza."

Me: "Ummmm... okay, well that's why I brought it up. I was hoping you guys would support my recovery."

Rachel: "Can you be addicted to sleep?"

Me: "I'm not addicted to sleep, I'm just thrown off by work and studying."

Dad: "Are you sure it doesn't have anything to do with the fact that you stay up till 2 a.m. watching Dungeons and Dragons?"

Me: "It's called Robin Hood. And watching that show is my reward for all the hard work I do."

Mom: "Hard work?"

Jake: "Oh you mean studying for your ONE class and working three days a week at an ice cream store that gets no business because it's almost winter?"

I felt greatly disrespected and under-appreciated. Although I think they were just teasing me. I hope so. If not then I'm going to hold open auditions for new family members.

Anyways, as I was beginning to complain about, today is the first day of my new sleep schedule. My dad woke me up at nine, I sleepwalked downstairs, hooked an IV of coffee into my arm, and then promptly fell asleep over the Sunday crossword. I'm too tired! I definitely wasn't born with the early bird gene.

How I've been spending my weekend

Day 3 of operation healthy eating with no behaviors is well underway. Last night I made an amazing dinner for the family- butternut squash gratin with onions and sage. It was so sweet and delicious and everybody but my brother liked it so I consider the meal a success.

I predict the hardest parts of this new regime are going to present themselves two-fold:

1) Having to eat even when I don't feel physically hungry.
2) Not being able to see rapid weight loss overnight.

The first is going to be the biggest problem for me I think, because despite the fact that I do binge fairly often, the days in between binges are very restrictive. I forget what it feels like to feel satiated and satisfied, you know? Because I'm either rumbling with hunger, or bursting at the seams. I can't stress enough to myself how important it is to stop restricting. Why? BECAUSE IT IS THE BIGGEST AND POSSIBLY ONLY REASON WHY I BINGE IN THE FIRST PLACE. No restriction = no hunger = no binge urges = no bingeing = less shame and self-loathing = better quality of life.

The second part, not being able to lose weight quickly, will be equally frustrating, but I'm not going to weigh myself so I hope it won't be a huge problem.

I'm totally serious about this you guys. I know you're probably all rolling your eyes because nobody just "decides" one day to stop using behaviors. But I swear it's different this time.

I'm feeling sleepy right now; definitely in need a little afternoon nap time, but I've been having the worst trouble falling asleep for the past few nights and I know it's because of my crazy sleep patterns... all those night shifts at Angora throw me off I think. Instead of sleeping, I'm going to study. I really only have to bury my nose in the books for the rest of today, all of tomorrow and then most of Monday. Monday night I have my test. I've been studying so hard, I better do well. If I get anything less than a 90 I will tear off my own head and throw it at someone.

Today was a good day

It's late, almost midnight and I should go to beddie but I'm not tired yet.

Today Tulan gave me the nicest compliment. After we closed the store and finished cleaning up, she said, "You are doing really great now."

I was like, "What?! Really?!"

"Yes, I just cashed out and there was no money missing from the register. Not even a penny. I feel like I can leave you alone in the store now."

WOw, I would LOVE that. Not just because it shows that I'm reliable and awesome but also because if Tulan isn't there I can sit down every once in a while instead of having to stand around and pretend to be cleaning invisible spills. Plus I could study when things get slow.

In other news, I've decided to stop bingeing and restricting. Lol don't you love how simple I made that sound? But seriously, it's high time I stopped being a little bitch, and get over my obsession with losing weight. Now that everything seems to be going so well with work and my BU class, I think I'm in a good place to start really committing to a healthy diet. By diet I mean lifestyle. Not the other kind of diet. I know I'm always reminiscing about the good old days when I was anorexic and had so much self control around food but the more that I think about it, it wasn't so much self control as it was fear. And in all honesty, I would much rather go back to when I was just healthy and happy and had a life that didn't revolve around food. Every second I spend in this eating disorder is a waste of my life. I am so done with it. I don't even care if healthy balanced eating keeps me fat for a while, if it means taking control of my well being.

Hopefully I'll still feel this way tomorrow... every once in a while I get really inspired to embrace recovery but it always seems to disappear out into the void.

High points and low points

Ughhh. I am in a downward spiral of BINGEDOM. Curse you, Halloween. Curse you and your delicious sugary treats.

I made an appointment with the nutritionist I was seeing over the summer. Her name is Marci, and she is super nice and funny and doesn't call me fat so I like her pretty well. Unfortantely, she is going on vacation so our next appointment isn't until the 16th, which means I'm going to have to pull myself out of this behavior pit.

You guys will still keep reading my blog even though I don't seem to be getting any better, right? Even though all I do is binge and complain about it you won't stop reading? My eating disorder isn't all that interesting unfortunately. I never get horribly ill or hospitalized (which I know is a good thing obviously), but it can't be much fun to read about.

Tomorrow the MEDA support group is meeting so maybe I'll go to that.

So, I know I'm super ugly and chubby but I had a couple proud moments in the past 48 hours that aren't related to my appearance. For example, in class last night, my psych professor demonstrated the different techniques one can use to remember information (we're learning about consciousness and memory). She read aloud a list of random objects like snow, potato, library, and told half the class to try and estimate the number of vowels in each word. Then she told the other half to rate each object on a scale of 1 to 10 how useful that object would be if you were stranded on a desert island. Afterwards, we were asked to recall how many of the words we could remember. It turns out that the second group remembered 75% more words than the first group because the "desert island" scenario put the objects in a memorable context, as opposed to the first group, who were simply told to count vowel sounds. I was really tired and didn't feel much like engaging in silly class games but I participated anyways and ended up remembering the most words out of the other fifteen students in my group. My prof was like, "Wow, your memory is well above average." Why thank you ma'am. Thank you very much.

AND THEN TODAY, I was training this new employee at Angora who doesn't speak much English, and we were talking about foreign languages. She said she thought it was really cool that I could speak French, because all the Americans she knows were "too lazy" to bother learning another language. We talked about how scary it can be coming to a native country for the first time, and she said that talking to me made her feel less homesick. She said, "I talk to you and I forget my pain." Awwwwwwww.

Anyways, it's nice to know that no matter how disgusting I look, at least I still have some commendable inner qualities. That won't change. Looks can though! So I gotsta stop bingeing and get my rockin body back!

And so begins another week of insanity

I'm feeling a little disheartened because today my mom asked me if I would be willing to start seeing Dr. Gordon less- like every other week. I guess the cost of our sessions is starting to rack up, and since our insurance doesn't cover shit, we've been paying out of pocket. This is in a word: poopy. The worst part was that my mom was like, "I think you're doing well enough to see her every couple of weeks." Why? Because I'm getting out of bed in the morning? Because I've gotten better at hiding my binge episodes? Because I don't have any fresh cuts on my wrists? Has she ever considered the fact that maybe I'm just not broadcasting my issues to the public?

Thankfully, I saw Dr. Gordon today and she agrees with me. She says that the more she gets to know me, the better she comes to understand the "complexity and chaos of my internal world." I thought the way she put that was funny.

She also gave me some pretty solid advice on how to deal with my crush on Helen's dad. I mean, let's face it- the sooner these feelings run their course the better. She suggested that I simply don't put myself in situations with him any more than I have to. So basically, stick to seeing him only when I need to babysit his kids. For instance, he came over last night to take pictures of Rachel and Helen in their Halloween costumes, and the best thing I could have done for myself would've been to just stay upstairs and wait for him to leave. Instead, I wanted him to see me in my knight costume and curly up-do so I came downstairs under the pretense of loaning the girls some red socks. It was so awkward, my mom said to him, "Why don't you get a picture of Eliza with Rachel and Helen?" I was totally embarrassed and felt like a little kid but of course Bob was like, "sure get in the picture!" Afterwards he was like, "Eliza, I'll send you the picture." EHEHEEHE that means he has my number in his phone! I know I know obviously he should have the babysitter's number in his phone but STILL! If you were to look at his contacts I WOULD BE ONE OF THEM. Sorry, the point of this story is that all of the excitement and crushy feelings could have been avoided if I had just not gone downstairs in the first place.

I'm gearing myself up for a super busy week because not only am I working every day accept for Saturday, but I have stuff going on after work in the evenings as well. This is a good thing I think. Staying busy is good.

Goals for this week:

-don't binge
-lose 2 pounds
-don't use scale (will make the losing 2 pounds difficult to determine but maybe I'll just feel the weight loss)
-avoid Bob
-study for at least two hours every day
-walk everywhere when possible so as to get lots of exercise
-don't leave dirty dishes lying around bedroom

Boo!

I just saw a little witch run down the street!! How many times a year do you get to say that??

Only about two hours and counting left until the hijinks and shenanigans commence. I reeeeaaaally want to put on my costume but I should really save it for the evening.

My mom has spent the last hour and a half trying to desperately to turn some red wigs blue so that my sister and Helen can be Thing 1 and Thing 2. Hehe that kind of rhymes. Anyways, if all else fails I think they may need to just go trick-or-treating sans blue hair and claim to be ginger Thing 1 and Thing 2. That's what I told them to do anyways.

I'm curious- how are my fellow EDed friends handling the candy and goodies tonight? As we approach the holiday season I imagine there will be more and more situations where you have the chance to use behaviors around food.

Bothered and bewildered

I am having the most unpleasant feeling right now. No, not the post binge blues, but an entirely different and non food related anxiety- an anxiety I haven't felt this acute since my 8th grade Valentines school dance. Don't make me say it...

The thing is, it's so inappropriate. Not only do I babysit for his children, but the man is at least 25 years older than I am. SO NOTHING CAN OR WILL EVER HAPPEN.

Here's a little background info: you know those children I was babysitting last night, the ones whose mom, Kathryn, is an amazing cook and is super nice? She is his ex-wife. She and Bob got divorced a little over a year ago, because he'd been having an ongoing affair with another woman. Now that they live in separate houses, I tend to babysit at either house on occasion whenever I'm needed. Oh and one of his kids, Helen, is my sister's best friend.

I don't even really want to go into a ton of detail about Bob right now. I might get sick to my stomach if I imagine or fantasize any more. Suffice it to say, he's is not like other dads. I mean men. He's not like other men. Holy shit, do you hear how twisted this sounds? He's just really genuine and sincere and FUNNY and I feel like I can be myself around him. Today he picked me up because he was loaning me his car to drive the kids to soccer practice and stuff after school. As I slid into the driver's seat he said, "So you're okay with driving? You have a license and you know how to steer with something other than your teeth?"

I went beet red in the face. "Oh my god. Did Helen tell you about the time I attempted driving with no hands?"

"It might have come up." He smiled. "But keep your mouth off my steering wheel, please." Then I said something about how I must be a terrible role model for his kids and he said, "I think you can do goofy stuff and still be a good role model." It's moments like these when I wonder if there's even the slightest possibility that he might like me too. Again later, after he'd paid me and I was walking down the hall to leave, he caught up with me because he wanted to show me something. Turns out it was just some posters he'd bought for Helen's room- one that photo of Earth taken from the moon, and the other poster was of Rosie the Riveter and that "We can do it" quote. It was so sweet, he said he wanted Helen to have that poster so she knows that there's nothing she can't do.

I don't think it's love. I mean, I don't think that I'm in love with him. I've heard that if you don't know whether or not you're in love, then you probably aren't. I don't think I've ever been in love.

Anyways, I hope this is just a fleeting crush. But I also don't think I've ever wanted anyone this much. I don't know what to do.

T'was a looooong day

I'm so tired and I'm doing too much and none of it is enough because after I finish one thing there is something else to do next and then by the time you know it it's night time and I'm too tired to study and I feel horrible because I haven't had the time or energy to hit the books like a good student should. I've got too much going on. I have to work at Angora from noon to five almost every day and I try to do my reading in the mornings before I leave but it's hard to study then and by the time I get home in the evening I'm so tired from standing on my fat clown feet all day that I just want to fall asleep in front of a silly BBC show where the people wear capes. Is that so much to want? I kind of want to start doing drugs.

I just got back from work, and I'm feeling a little bad. Apparently, Tulan thought I could work a double shift every Thursday since I did last week, but I thought last Thursday was just me helping her out so I can't stay there tonight! I promised to babysit my neighbor's kids! I feel horrible. It's so overwhelming having to work behind that counter alone, especially during the evening hours when everybody wants dessert. I just wish someone could be there with her.

*

I'm putting a star in between these paragraphs because right now it is three hours after I posted the above. I'm babysitting and currently the children are tucked away safe in their beds and I am feeling... surprisingly at peace. I think I might have binged tonight :( Whoops. Well, when I say kind of I mean I did binge, but most of it was healthy dinner food like chili and pasta and biscuits. Kathryn, their mom, is an amazing cook and every time I come over here she has something vegetarian and delicious prepared just for me and honestly, truly good homemade food should never be passed up because it is rare. Am I right? Anyways, another reason I'm calling it a "kind of" binge is because I don't feel all the way sick to my stomach, and I don't plan on following through with the behavior by stopping and buying junky sweets on the way home. It ends now.

Still, I know I'm going to feel guilty and gross tomorrow. Thankfully I don't have to work again until Tuesday so I'll have time to recuperate. And hey, at least I seem to have broken my pattern of "domino bingeing" (having one binge day right after the other). It's all about the little steps. Of course this optimism is probably due to the massive amounts of pleasurable neurotransmitters released in my brain during dinner... I guarantee my next post won't be as sunny.

Buggin

I sort of want to binge. I haven't eaten very much today and now I'm hungry and wanting something delicious and carb heavy. Since I got home from work at 5:30 I've had an apple and a carrot stick to tide me over until I decide what I want for dinner, but now it's almost seven so I think I might just forget the meal and have some popcorn if I get really hungry later on. Ugh... restriction is so not fun when you're fat and hungry. And now I'm depressed. I would binge but I have to work tomorrow and I don't want to have a food hangover in the morning. Plus bingeing is what made me fat in the first place so there you go- two solid reasons not to binge.

Tulan is really starting to catch on to my eating habits. I mentioned last week that she said I "never get hungry at work" and I "never eat." Today she actually dished out some coffee oreo ice cream into a mug for me and told me to take a break and eat it. At first I responded with my usual go-to answer: "No thanks, I ate before I came here." But then she looked at me very sternly and said, "Eliza, you need to eat." I haven't had anybody so on my back about food since coming home from school last winter. It's weird... and a little unnerving. I mean, I guess I appreciate the concern. I do. It's just a little humiliating because this woman is probably wondering, "If this girl eats so little, how is she not incredibly skinny?" Ugh. It's very frustrating having to deal with this on top of the stress that already comes with having to serve ice cream to greedy sugar addicts.

And now I'm super hungry so I think I'll have some yogurt.

This post is stupid

Okay, first of all- I need you guys to watch this video because I think it's CRAZY!!

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2007/12/14/eight-years-of-aging-on-video/

Second of all, I need to talk about how I'm worrying about death and dying. Anybody else ever get unwelcome thoughts about their ultimate demise? It's scary and sad and now I'm wondering what life holds in store for me after death. Heaven? Hell? Dirt and worms? Nutella? I don't know what to expect. It's times like these I wish I believed in a divine being because then I could ask for strength and courage and absolution. Which reminds me I haven't taken my meds yet today...

Anyways, back to the video. The other thing it made me wonder was what if someone did that sort of time lapse with WEIGHT LOSS??? Like a flip book of a regular person losing weight really quickly. Man that would be triggering. Also I'm really tempted to try it. I could take a picture of myself every day for like three months and then put it all together into a 30 second video of me becoming really skinny. I'm sorry, I'm sick, I know.

On a healthier and more recovery oriented note, I'm really going to stick to weighing myself just once a week. Real weight is not lost overnight, and turning to the scale every time I need reassurance just leads to frustration and bad thoughts.

LOL for the past twenty minutes I've been belting Bohemian Rhapsody at the top of my lungs and my brother just pounded on the wall of my room from his. True talent is just not appreciated anymore.

OOuuf... this post is becoming disjointed and uninteresting. I should think of something astute and psychologically insightful to say but I'm totally beat from studying this evening. I have a test in two weeks, and I decided that, rather than cram the night before like I did with the last one, I should put in at least two hours a day reviewing stuff. I just finished reading about phantom limb syndrome. Scary stuff. When you lose a leg, some of the free nerve endings in the remaining part of your leg that originated in the lost leg will fire off signals on occasion that make you feel like your leg is still there.

Now I shall reward all this hard work by watching an episode of something on my laptop. Perhaps the X-files. That feels appropriate for the occasion.

Huzzah!

Well I have settled on a most delightful and befitting Halloween costume for next Sunday! As of recently I have become increasingly interested in English folklore- initiated first by my fondness for the BBC series Robin Hood and then reinforced by the medieval literature unit my mother has been introducing to her 8th graders at school. I'm going to be a knight! I found the outfit at iParty when I went shopping yesterday with my brother and sister. A full suit of armor or real chainmail would have been better but this will do just fine. It's pretty impressive for polyester. Added bonus: The costume is one size fits all, and the model in the picture was a six foot tall man weighing 210 pounds so I think the robes will cover my fat quite nicely.

Speaking of fat, I've lost about 5 pounds in the past week and a half, which I swear I was not trying to do. I haven't been bingeing, so I think that may have something to do with it... but at the same time I haven't really been eating meals either. I'm not starving myself, I'm just not hungry. I know that is not an excuse, but I just thought I'd put it out there. I eat when I'm hungry and that's it. Anyways, its nothing to worry about because I have a good twenty five pounds left until people usually start to think I'm getting too thin.

I don't have to work at Angora today, so that'll be a nice little break. I have Dr. Gordon at 2:00 though, and then Psych class at six. I feel like this night class at BU is less like school and more like a sad weekly reminder that I'm not a real student in college. Although the subject is relatively interesting, general Psychology I mean, the class itself is boring. I tend to space out during lecture and then do the real learning from the textbook once I'm at home and alone in my room. While my mom argues that I should be getting as much out of the presentations as I can, I feel that I am much more of visual learner so reading works better for me. However, as a knight and a lady of honor, I shall respect all teaching methods and learning styles.

Get out of my head!!

Okay, so I have these weird little ED obsessive thoughts about certain foods that I've really only developed over the past year, and I guess I want to start trying to work against them. It's this thought that certain foods are only for certain occasions. For example, trail mix is only for hiking so I can't eat it unless I'm hiking, or, sandwiches are a lunch food so I can't have sandwiches for dinner, eggs are a breakfast food so having an omelet for dinner would be inappropriate. You get what I mean. Anyways, the irrational thought/fear behind these beliefs is that if I do have something like say, oatmeal for dinner, my body will know that it's not dinner food and it will somehow show in my weight.

I KNOW these are crazy rationalizations that my eating disorder is just trying to torture me with, but it's getting in the way of stuff. OH HERE'S ANOTHER GOOD ONE!!! I have to space out my vegetables throughout the day even though I'd rather just eat them at dinner. Why? Because if I try to pack in my two to three servings of veggies at dinner my body will know that I haven't had any all day and I'm just trying to make up for it so then I'll gain weight. Wtf, right?

To be fair, it's not as bad as it was a couple months ago. Over the summer if I had wanted a cheese stick at 5:45 p.m. I wouldn't let myself have one because I was convinced that if I did my body would think I was having a cheese stick for dinner and think I'm eating strangely. So what would happen then is I would just binge... because I figured that my body already must think I'm disordered to have cheese right before dinner so I might as well binge and call it a day.

The whole reason I bring this up is because it's just after 8:00 p.m. I haven't had dinner yet, but I'm not insanely hungry so all I want is a greek yogurt. My ED says, "Yogurt for dinner is inappropriate, so just skip dinner altogether." I most likely won't skip dinner entirely- because I'm sure I'll get more hungry soon. It's just so frustrating!!!!

Does anyone else have these type of intrusive thoughts or beliefs about food?