Just call me Grumpus

Today was just okay. You know those days where nothing special really happens, and at the same time it's not like anything is stressing you out, but somehow despite all the dullness you still feel depressed? Well that's what today was like. I saw Dr. Gordon and told her about it. I told her about how even though the past two weeks have been really successful for me in terms of school and recovery and work, I was in a sucky mood today and I couldn't figure out why.

She was like, "Do you remember when your mood seemed to drop so suddenly?"

"Yeah. Like an hour ago. Right before I came here I guess..." Then we discovered that I in fact have a pattern of getting really down right before doing anything related to therapy or treatment. Most likely because I have anxieties about delving into deep and scary issues. "It doesn't seem fair." I said. "I do all this hard work only to feel shitty. From now on I'm just going to stop trying (Note: When I say things like 'I give up' or 'I'm done trying' I don't usually mean it. I suppose I just enjoy the attention it grabs)." She recommended that I use the teflon pan skill when unwanted thoughts and feelings come up. What is the teflon pan skill you ask? Well here's a little free DBT for those of you who, like me, feel bullied by their emotions: Intrusive thoughts are just thoughts, and once they're gone, they don't necessarily have to leave any evidence or trail. Teflon pans get super sticky and gross when you cook with them, but all you gotsta do is wipe it off with a sponge and it's sleek and shiny again. Bad thoughts or urges work the same way. They are okay to have, but they don't need to become anything other than soggy food that sits there for bit, and ultimately gets washed away.

So seeing Dr. Gordon helped some. Hopefully her words of wisdom will be enough to keep me going for another two weeks. I still think it's unfair that I can't have weekly therapy anymore :(

Speaking of people who need therapy, Rachel has apparently moved into my room. While mom and dad were away for the weekend I let her sleep up here for a few nights just so she wouldn't have to be alone, but then last night I found her carting a box of crap upstairs to my room. She had set up a mattress in the corner, arranged picture frames and stuffed animals next to it, and even brought up a little shower caddy complete with shampoo and conditioner. Yeah, maybe I'll let this continue for the rest of the week, but after that she's getting the boot.