Today has been average/decent. I woke up at noon, which isn't surprising since I had an ice cream hangover from yesterday and I went to bed late. But I was able to study for a couple of hours for my final this evening, and then I had breakfast at 3:00. I'm thinking that if I feel like I do a good job tonight I might treat myself to a celebratory burrito when it's over. Not another excuse to binge, I swear! I just really enjoy Mexican food.
Today will be day one back on the Prozac. Next few weeks will most likely be riddled with ED urges and obsessive thoughts as the chemicals in my brain attempt to readjust, but thankfully the work week is starting so that should provide some structure and stability to my day. I'm also seeing Marci tomorrow but I don't really know what to talk about. Maybe I'm just feeling apathetic? I dunno. It'll go a little something like this: I'll tell her that I had a bunch of binge days and now I'm feeling like sea scum. She'll write it down and ask why this week was difficult. I'll tell her I went off my medication a couple weeks ago and that the behaviors are merely an exhibition of that mistake. She'll ask why and under what circumstances I binged and I'll tell her about babysitting for the bad people. She'll ask if I kept track of my meals on the handout she gave me. I'll say whoops no because why would I want documentation of myself eating everything in sight. She'll ask what I want to work on this week, and how she can help me and I'll say I don't know why bother anymore because nothing I try ever works. She'll suggest I talk to my therapist about reframing those thoughts. I'll tell her I want to do is lose weight. She'll say that she won't help me lose weight until I stop bingeing and stop thinking of eating and nutrition as some sort of means to an end. I'll come up with some really stingey meal plan for her to approve for me but she'll just say it doesn't have enough grains or fat or whatever. Then I'll mope and get all angry about why it's so hard for me be normal and she'll say I don't know.
I'm sad that it's my last night of class. Studying has been such a help when I need to feel better about myself or get my mind off of things.
You can still do this without the distraction of studying. :) You're strong and stick with it.
ReplyDeletebtw- could you email me your email so I can send you an invite to read my blog ( i made it private ) guo791999@gmail.com . I'd like to keep in contact :)
<3
-Lisa