I love my cousin Heather. I love her to freaking pieces, but sharing my room with her is sort of like sharing my room with an old lady. She gets cold far too easily. It was almost 100 degrees today so I think I'm entitled to have the air conditioning on as I fall asleep. After all, it is MY ROOM. And wouldn't you say it's easier for her to bundle up if she's cold than for me to bundle down if I'm hot? I mean, she can put on layers but I can't peel off my skin. She's being really nice about it and not being overly fussy but obviously now I feel guilty for freezing her ass off.
Oh I'm home by the way. New Hampshire was fun and I love going up north. Tomorrow I start my summer job as an aide at one of the local summer programs for tiny children. It should be fun. I hope the teacher whose class I'm assigned to isn't a cranky witch like last year. That made me miserable. So I'm a little anxious tonight and binged as a result.
I don't care what my therapist says, but I am absolutely positive that environment has everything to do with my ED behaviors. HOME = BINGE EATING and SCHOOL = RESTRICTION. I'm not sure what this weekend away counted as... I was very successful in managing my urges. It was empowering being out of the house and away from the triggers, you know? I literally have a different behavior for every environment. Food takes on new meanings in new places. My therapist thinks that it's not so much the environment but the mind set. I say that's crap and she should find a different profession, like a meter maid. I bet she'd totally get off on punishing people for not putting enough quarters in. That's the kind of person she is. But anywhoodily, the point is that now since I've discovered that environment is responsible for the bingeing, I just need to make sure I stay out of the house as much as possible. This may be difficult... since I never really leave the house... BUT ONWARD I MUST PRESS IN THE QUEST TO VANQUISH THE BINGE MONSTER AND BECOME THIN AGAIN!
Eliza, you don't need to be thin, you need to be you. Quit worrying about how much you weigh and start enjoying what you can do.
ReplyDeleteDoes that make any sense? I just worry so much that you will lose this time in your life to
"getting thin" and you will not get it again.
Oh and I'm with you on the sleeping thing. I hate sleeping when it's hot. The cat tried to sleep on/against my feet one night - she is way to hot! Definatly better to be able to bundle up.
Sometimes I feel like the teenage years were wasted on me because I spent so much time in the binge and restrict cycle. You're SO right. Every day I spend indulging in this eating disorder is such a waste.
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