Bulletproof

Just returned from a productive therapy session with Dr. Biteme and I feel fine! This is a first. Usually I leave her office feeling fat and dejected, and today I was left feeling fat and hopeful so life is improving a little bit. I've started doing this little thing in the waiting room that helps me mentally prepare. In the minute or two preceding our appointment time I cross my arms in front of my face, one first then the other and I make a "shink, shink" noise like a knight with a shield. This blocks probing questions and mean remarks, and since I had some binge slips in the past 24 hours I thought it wise to arm myself accordingly.

So I strolled into her overly warm and mildewy chambers, sat down on her scratchy brown couch and smiled widely. She said, "How's it going?"

"Really, really well actually."

"Oh?"

"Yes, surprisingly well in fact. My aunt Sarah and her romantic companion from England are visiting us for a few days before driving up to Michigan. This is when I would have gone out to Michigan if I hadn't decided to stay here and work instead."

"What happened to your shirt?"

You see how she ignores me? I look down and realized there was chocolate all over it from a Nutella episode last night.
"I was baking a cake with my sister this morning," I lied. I had a lot of other good things I wanted to share before talking about bingeing so I lied to avoid going into it. "We're making a special dessert for tonight."

"And you are going to eat an appropriate amount I assume?"

You see how she talks to me? Like a child. Whatever though, it doesn't matter. Words can't hurt me. I said, "... sure." Luckily I was able to change the subject back to the successful week I had before the binge occurred last night. I had an awesome seven days of strong controlled eating, masterful skill use during urges, and moderate exercise. I told her "If you don't mind I'd really like to appreciate how well I've been doing. I just feel like a slip shouldn't disqualify all the positive things." She agreed, which threw me off a little because I was totally prepared to need protection from her you-are-a-disgusting-piggy-binge-eater looks. She was actually more interested in my use of the the word "romantic companion" to represent my Aunt's relationship with John Robbins than anything else.

My Aunt Sarah (the same Aunt Sarah I'm going to be living with next year in Manhattan) is in her late fifties and she has never been married. When she was young she fell in love with John Robbins while he was in America and they were together for a year or two. It ultimately didn't last because neither of them wanted to move to another country in order to be together, so he went back to England, married someone, had kids, and then thirty years passed by/. Thirty years passed by and then in the summer of 2006 my family and Aunt Sarah went to London for two weeks and ran into John. He was divorced and living in Bath. I <3 Bath.

Anyways, since then Sarah and John have been tentatively back together. She still lives in New York and he still lives in England so the relationship is long distance and they only see each a few times a year but they are both amazing and deserving of love so I have no qualms. Dr. Biteme however, seems to think that on some level I have a problem with Aunt Sarah having a boyfriend because it's like I've been replaced? She thinks that it is for THIS reason that I chose to stay in Boston and work instead of driving up to Michigan early with them- not because I want to make money and create structure for myself with a job, but because I'm afraid of feeling unloved by an Auntie who's always treated me like her favorite niece. What a load of poop, right? What a load of poop in a bag.

So my plan for today is to end the binge, forgive and forget, and then jump right back on the bandwagon of health and happiness. Nothing can stop me now :)