Why not just beat me over the head with a stick?

Today was Saturday. I legitimately woke up at 4:30 in the afternoon, JUST LIKE LAST WEEK. I think that subconsciously I'm somehow trying to make up for the five days a week that I don't get to sleep in by sleeping for sixteen hours a night on the weekends... which is dumb though because ultimately I'm just screwing up my days and nights, right? Ugh, whatever. What is done cannot be undone.

So after eating "breakfast" at around 5:00 I went to the gym and decided to work out for an hour and half to tire myself out. Sometimes I do that. Work out, not so much to burn calories but so that I'll be super tired and ready for bed at the right time.

Ohmygod I almost forgot to mention. Yesterday I had my weekly session with Dr. Bitemebitemebiteme and it was so unproductive and stupid I could scream. I told her about how the past couple weeks have been tough in terms of sticking to the meal plan and bingeing and what not. I mentioned how I had two or three days without bingeing last week and I felt good about it. She said, "Really? Two or three days is a success for you now?" It was funny. I did that thing after people say something stupid or mean where I just pause because I want them to realize what they just said. Obviously though, since this is Dr. Biteme we're talking about, there was no realization and she just went on looking smug.

I said, "Well I dunno. Last week Amy came over and we watched a movie and she brought me a box of Milk Duds. I ate them without driving to the store after she left to buy more food for a binge so I thought that was a success."

"How big was the box?"

"Uhhh... I guess maybe like this." And I showed her what five or six inches looked like between my index fingers.

"And you ate the whole thing?" Aaaaghh! I wanted to pull her hair. Eating a box of candy like when you go out with friends or when you go to the movies is a normalized food experience isn't it? What is wrong with her? And who says that to someone with an eating disorder?! Anyways, she goes on to question whether or not Amy should have even brought candy for me in the first place. She asked, "Doesn't she know you have an eating disorder?"

"Yeah she does. But since I'm not skinny anymore she probably just thinks I'm bulimic or something."

"You are bulimic."

"No I'm not."

"Yes. You are a non-purging bulimic."

I thought about this accusation. "I dunno..." Then I started off into this analogy that I came up with off the top of my head. It didn't really work. "There are some people who you think are rich but are actually broke, and the only reason you think they have a lot of money is because they have fancy cars and designer clothes when in reality they just spend all of it so it only LOOKS like they are rich." I have no idea where I was trying to go with this but in my head it seemed a lot like the definition of a "non-purging bulimic."

She ignored this and proceeded to plow through technical definitions of bulimia and other eating disorders of the like while I tuned out and thought about kangaroos. You know the inside of their pouches are lined with mucous? Blegh.

She spent the rest of the session wanting to me think about whether or not I think I'm really ready to go back to school. Uhh... DUH. Who the hell cares if I'm still struggling with this shit? I just need a change of scenery.

It is now almost midnight which, since I only woke up like eight hours ago, puts us at around noon in Eliza time.

Hamstermergency

Noticed a large protruding mass under Ollie's eye this afternoon and I started catastrophizing. It had a big old scab hanging off of it and he was doing that thing rodents do where they use their little paws to clean their faces. Sometimes when stuff like this happens and I'm home alone I can't help but imagine the worst possible case scenario. In my head I'll see Ollie's swollen face exploding and then he dies slowly and painfully and it's all my fault because I should have saved him.

So I called my Dad who said that if it wasn't too much trouble I should try to clean him up. I could hear Rachel in the background asking questions like, "Is he okay? Is he moving? I knew he'd die while we were away!" I felt guilty for not checking on him as often as my mom specified on the list. Maybe if I even bothered to LOOK at him when I changed his water and food I would have noticed he wasn't okay, you know?

After I got off the phone I literally ran barefoot out the door (couldn't find my shoes), jumped in the car, and gunned it to the drug store for supplies. But what sort of stuff do you get for an abscess on a hamster? I had no idea. I still don't really... I just grabbed some latex gloves, q-tips, and some sort of antiseptic I forget the name of. But it had benzethonium chloride in it.

The actual process of trying to clean his gnarly red sore was unpleasant and really difficult. Ollie is quite squirmy. And did I mention that HE IS VICIOUS?! Every time he twitches or moves his head I think he's about to bite me so I let go and then have to go through the process of picking him up again. Long story short, I guess he's alright for now. I wish I had a little cone to put around his neck to keep him from scratching himself though. I suppose I could fashion one out of a bottle cap...

In terms of food and eating disorder drama- binges today and yesterday. But after tonight it ends forever! I'm serious this time.

Right, Eliza. Whatever you say.

A constructive little light at end of tunnel

I actually called in sick to work this morning because of how massively I binged last night. It sucked and I felt really bad about it. So today I ended up rolling out of bed at around 2:30 in the afternoon and feeling like shit and wanting to binge again. I literally had my shoes on and car keys in hand, ready to drive over to the store and buy a jar of Nutella. But in all honesty, that felt even shittier so I decided to come back upstairs and blog about it instead.

This is the reasoning I come up with in my head when it comes to deciding whether or not to binge: I figure that I'm already heavy, I'm already unhappy, and as much as I would like to lose this weight and undo the damage of the past six months, the only thing that really comforts me and makes me feel at ease in the moment is eating tons of sugar.

When I was in treatment there was this woman named Liz who told us that when it comes to using behaviors, she wanted us to be "informed consumers." She said that the sad reality is that behaviors work. They work better than anything else most of the time; Better than skills, talking about it, writing about it...etc. However, obviously they aren't working in the long run because... well, we're in treatment. So then what do you do when you feel like behaviors are the only option? Make a pros and cons list before engaging in it. That way, no matter what, regardless of whether you end up giving in or finding an alternative, at least with a list you know what you're getting yourself into. I guess this morning for the first time in a while the cons outweighed the pros in my head. I shall not get cocky, however. EVERY EFFING TIME I rejoice in a success story on my blog I end up jinxing it within 24 hours.

Son of a nutcracker. I can't believe I slept this late. It is now 3:00 in the afternoon. Well at least I learned something today. That's the best thing you can about any day, really, that you learned something.

Kill me

I have the worst stomach ache right now I can't do anything besides think about how much it hurts. I can't read, I can't watch t.v., I can't sleep, I can't move around, I can't even remember what it feels like to have a stomach with no pain in it.

I woke up at 6:30 this morning because I was hungry, so I had a bowl of cereal. Then I went back to sleep and woke up at 10:45... and I guess that's when I started feeling sick. At first I thought that maybe I was just hungry again so I had a piece of toast but that didn't help. Then I drank 8 ounces of Pepto Bismol, it went away for a little bit, and I went grocery shopping with Heather. Came home, thought it was safe to have lunch, so I had a greek salad and 5 saltines. Now it's back and I have no idea what to do except complain.

I wish it wasn't just me and Heather for the next two weeks. I thought it might be nice having the whole house to ourselves but I just feel very lonely and fat. At least we know I won't binge today because my tummy starts writhing in agony every time I put something in it.

What on earth possessed me to stay here and work when I could have joined the rest of my family in cheery cherry fun land? I've gone with them every other summer. Have I really gotten so depressed that I can't even handle the semblance of happiness? Remember I'm still going in a couple weeks... but by the time I arrive mom and dad and Jake and Rachel will be back in Boston and it'll just be me and Aunt Sarah. Oh and John. It just won't be the same. The farm just isn't the same without everyone there. And now I'm freaking out because I just realized I won't actually see my family again until October! I'm driving straight back to NYC from Michigan with Aunt Sarah. This is too weird.

And now I'm thinking about my stomach again. I reeeeeeeeeeealllly want to be able to work out today so hopefully I'll make a miraculous recovery within the next few hours.

Do the dishes, Cinderelly...

In a couple hours my parents and Rachel are leaving for Michigan (Jake is already there working on my uncle's farm), and then for the next two weeks it's just going to be me and Heather taking care of the house. I still have to finish up work before I fly out. I've never been left in charge my own home for this long so I'm kind of nervous. Going over the long letter/list of responsibilities my mother has printed out for us... wanna hear it?! Probably not, but I'm going to copy and paste it in here anyways just so you can see how much stuff I have to do.

Dear Ladies of the House,

You have the place to yourselves for the next two weeks! With freedom comes responsibility...

Your main responsibilities are taking care of the pets, the indoor and outdoor plants, and garbage/recycling. I realize you already know how to do this, but here are the specifics.

Garbage/recycling should be put out on Wednesday evenings. Drag the big trash cans to the edge of the sidewalk in the back of the house. Recycled goods go out in front. Cardboard boxes should be flattened first. Plastic milk jugs, soda bottles, berry boxes, etc. go in separate bins, newspapers in bags.

Re. the pets, you know the drill. Change the kitty's water once a day. They need a little wet food and dry food each day. Be sure to put food cans back in fridge with plastic cover. Re. Rachel's hamster Ollie, throw him some food every couple of days. Check his water bottle to be sure it's not empty or set too low (if it's too low it soaks into the bedding.) Give his cage a fresh change of bedding at least once a week during the time we are away. If Ollie should die (knock on wood!) please wrap him in a couple of plastic bags and place him in the freezer so Rachel can say goodbye when we return. Eliza- please do not dissect him as you did with Cinnamon.

Don't let Tiger out at night! If she hunts, she'll get sick. Best to let her run outside for exercise in the mornings, just after you leave for work. Moxie is the nocturnal one with the iron stomach. She prefers to sleep inside during the day and go out at night.

Now for the plants. The garden should be watered every other day unless you have a rainy spell. That means dragging the hose to the side and soaking dad's vegetables, and the flowers & shrubs on the terrace. Window boxes don't need such frequent watering, but please don't forget about them.

I'm putting some plants on the back porch. It's easy to water those, and don't worry about the water running over the floorboards (just be sure Margie isn't below when you water them!!). These will dry out quicker than the indoor plants, so check them every couple of days. If the soil feels dry, water them throughly.

Indoor plants: Water them twice while we're gone. (e.g. once on July 30, once on Aug. 5.)

Miscellaneous: Be sure to put away food so that bugs don't flock to the kitchen. Keep it clean- if strawberry hulls sit in the sink for even a day, the fruit flies will come back, and then they're hard to get rid of. Fruit goes down the disposal, not the trash.

Bring up the mail and collect it in one place.

Be sure windows are closed and please turn off the AC's and lights when you leave the house for the day, to conserve.

That is all. Have fun together!

Love,
Annie, David, & Rachel.

Why do I already feel like I'm going to screw something up?

Ho hum

I'm sitting in my lovely air conditioned living room watching Sabrina the Teenage Witch and eating Cheetos with my little sister. Rachel has agreed to help me get back on track with my life by hanging out with me this afternoon. After this episode we're going to sit down together and make a list of entertaining things I can do during the day that don't involve eating. Not quite sure how well that'll work but it's worth a shot.

Anybody ever heard of Winter the dolphin? He's the latest craze with the kids at camp. Scientists designed Winter a fancy prosthetic tail after his real one was ripped off during an incident with a crab trap... now he's famous. My campers spent literally half the day huddled around the computer watching him on a live webcam from the aquarium in Florida.

I'm feeling depressed. Maybe tonight I'll start taking my meds again. I've been putting it off because I think a part of me likes all this bingeing and sleeping and bingeing and sleeping without blame. Somehow I feel like since I'm illicitly off medication there's an excuse or a reason for the behavior and it's not my fault. Does that make sense? The reasoning I mean, not the actions.

A few minutes ago I ran downstairs to the kitchen to get a glass of water and I ran into my dad, who said Dr. Biteme says hi. I thought he was kidding so I just said haha. But he was like, "No, mom and I really did just have a meeting with her."

"Oh. That's really weird. Huh. Weird..." And then I trailed off because I started imagining my parents and my therapist having a conversation. Mom and dad squashed down into her scratchy little couch that sits only like six inches above the floor, while she towers above them in her swivel chair, exposing horrid secrets about the inner workings of my twisted mind. DEVIL WOMAN! Anyways, I guess he felt uncomfortable about it too because he didn't respond, and instead started awkwardly rummaging through the fridge for something. He pulled out a rotten tomato from the back of the vegetable drawer and offered it to me. I laughed and said no thanks.

"You sure? They're pretty good when they're soft and wrinkled."

"That's what she said."

"Okay, Eliza."

Anyways, almost dinner time. Maybe I'll throw a frozen Trader Joe's pizza in the oven. This Cheeto I'm about to eat looks a lot like a distal finger bone.

A rant about my mother

Some days my mother nags me so incessantly that I wonder if she is doing it on purpose. Like, does she wake up feeling anxious and decide that the best way to deal with that is to rub some off on me? Because that is how it feels. I am just trying to get through each day in one piece without surrendering to truculent feelings of depression but she's making it so difficult!!

This morning I was making myself lunch to bring to camp- peanut butter and jelly on Canadian white, which I have maybe once a week. She goes, "So you're not going for whole wheat bread anymore?" Honestly, I would have rather she just said, "I can't believe you're eating white bread it's junk food." I guess she wanted to keep the tone harmless and off-handed but it sounded more like she was trying to mask some sort of disappointment in me. Like she was really thinking, "I guess Eliza doesn't care about recovery anymore if she isn't eating 100% nutritious food." Also what bugs me is that, first of all, most of my sandwiches ARE on whole wheat bread. Today she just happened to witness an exception. Second of all, people who don't understand eating disorders don't understand that you are SUPPOSED to try and incorporate triggering foods into your diet because it helps overcome irrational beliefs and urges to binge. Anyways, after she said that I lost any and all interest in pb & j so I brought yogurt instead.

At 12:30 after we dismissed the kids she picked me at school. It was already sort of tense when we got in the car but I didn't really know why so I just assumed she was about to remind me about e-mails I needed to send or plans that have to be worked out before I go to Michigan in a couple weeks. She said, "You need to get back to Dr. Nance Roy and have your interview for re-admittance to school in the fall."

I said, "I will."

"I sent you an e-mail about it."

"When?"

"Yesterday. I really don't want to keep having to nag you about it."

"Okay."

"Seriously, you need to get in touch with her or you can't go back to school next year." (Just FYI, this interview isn't really for re-admittance, it's purely a formality and basically just a chance for me to check in with the school about how I'm doing)

I stared out the window and said, "I get it." Another five minutes goes by but somehow I still don't get the feeling that she has said all she's needed to say. So she starts this super awkward conversation about how weird it's going to be that I'm driving back to NY with Aunt Sarah and her more than just a friend John Robbins at the end of the summer. Why would this be weird? We love Aunt Sarah. We love John... well, John returns to England the same day I return to school and my mom thinks I would be in the way if I slept in her apartment on their last night together. Ummm.... EW!? Why? Why bring up the subject of older people doing it? It was literally as if she had run out of things to pick on ME about, so she thought... "Okay, let's bring up the subject of intercourse."

Anyways, a few minutes ago she came into my room and said, "Have you written that e-mail to Nance Roy yet?"

I paused. Sometimes when I'm super annoyed by something someone says I take a moment of silence before responding. That way it gives the other person a chance to realize what an idiot they are. "Yes, I'm writing it right now."

Then she said, "Can I just say something? I feel like I need to get this out in the open." I was so scared. My parents don't like to "get things out in the open," so I knew it must be pretty bad and I immediately started racking my memory for any recent transgressions. Did she find that piece of chewed up gum on the seat in the Prius? The empty ice cream cartons I hid under the sink in the bathroom? It must be something embarrassing and gross if she looks this upset. She walked slowly over to my desk and opened the top drawer, pulled out my make-up bag and holds it up. Whoops.

The moral of the story is: Don't hide cigarettes in your cosmetics purse, because they will ultimately be found the next time someone needs to borrow mascara from you.

The end is nigh, people

The last five days of my life have been like a nebulous downward spiral of doom. On Thursday or Friday I forgot to take my meds, and then for some reason didn't take them the day after or the day after that or the day after that. Whoops.

I want to crawl inside a hole right now. I literally want to go out into my back yard with a shovel, dig a nice moist hole in the dirt next to where my cat is buried, climb in, and never come out.

This morning I woke up at 11:00. Well, my mom woke me up. Who knows how late I would have slept if she hadn't yanked the covers off me and snapped the shades open.

It's not the just psychological effects of the bingeing that have been wearing on me either. Today I was still so full from yesterday and I started having these weird little burps. I tried to hold one in, but I guess my pharynx has been weakened or something because the burp wouldn't stay down and instead came up through my nose in a torrent of stomach bile. My dad saw it and was like, "Woah! Over the sink, over the sink!"

So there is the update. I'm not in the mood to write much else but you get the gist; sleeping all day, bingeing when I'm awake, and apparently falling apart from the inside out.

Bulletproof

Just returned from a productive therapy session with Dr. Biteme and I feel fine! This is a first. Usually I leave her office feeling fat and dejected, and today I was left feeling fat and hopeful so life is improving a little bit. I've started doing this little thing in the waiting room that helps me mentally prepare. In the minute or two preceding our appointment time I cross my arms in front of my face, one first then the other and I make a "shink, shink" noise like a knight with a shield. This blocks probing questions and mean remarks, and since I had some binge slips in the past 24 hours I thought it wise to arm myself accordingly.

So I strolled into her overly warm and mildewy chambers, sat down on her scratchy brown couch and smiled widely. She said, "How's it going?"

"Really, really well actually."

"Oh?"

"Yes, surprisingly well in fact. My aunt Sarah and her romantic companion from England are visiting us for a few days before driving up to Michigan. This is when I would have gone out to Michigan if I hadn't decided to stay here and work instead."

"What happened to your shirt?"

You see how she ignores me? I look down and realized there was chocolate all over it from a Nutella episode last night.
"I was baking a cake with my sister this morning," I lied. I had a lot of other good things I wanted to share before talking about bingeing so I lied to avoid going into it. "We're making a special dessert for tonight."

"And you are going to eat an appropriate amount I assume?"

You see how she talks to me? Like a child. Whatever though, it doesn't matter. Words can't hurt me. I said, "... sure." Luckily I was able to change the subject back to the successful week I had before the binge occurred last night. I had an awesome seven days of strong controlled eating, masterful skill use during urges, and moderate exercise. I told her "If you don't mind I'd really like to appreciate how well I've been doing. I just feel like a slip shouldn't disqualify all the positive things." She agreed, which threw me off a little because I was totally prepared to need protection from her you-are-a-disgusting-piggy-binge-eater looks. She was actually more interested in my use of the the word "romantic companion" to represent my Aunt's relationship with John Robbins than anything else.

My Aunt Sarah (the same Aunt Sarah I'm going to be living with next year in Manhattan) is in her late fifties and she has never been married. When she was young she fell in love with John Robbins while he was in America and they were together for a year or two. It ultimately didn't last because neither of them wanted to move to another country in order to be together, so he went back to England, married someone, had kids, and then thirty years passed by/. Thirty years passed by and then in the summer of 2006 my family and Aunt Sarah went to London for two weeks and ran into John. He was divorced and living in Bath. I <3 Bath.

Anyways, since then Sarah and John have been tentatively back together. She still lives in New York and he still lives in England so the relationship is long distance and they only see each a few times a year but they are both amazing and deserving of love so I have no qualms. Dr. Biteme however, seems to think that on some level I have a problem with Aunt Sarah having a boyfriend because it's like I've been replaced? She thinks that it is for THIS reason that I chose to stay in Boston and work instead of driving up to Michigan early with them- not because I want to make money and create structure for myself with a job, but because I'm afraid of feeling unloved by an Auntie who's always treated me like her favorite niece. What a load of poop, right? What a load of poop in a bag.

So my plan for today is to end the binge, forgive and forget, and then jump right back on the bandwagon of health and happiness. Nothing can stop me now :)

Why did the teacher wear sunglasses?

Because she had bright students. Honk honk. I couldn't think of a title so I'm using the joke on a popsicle stick I found on the ground.

Exhausted. Once a week we take the kids to this fancy playground for the day and let them run around in the spray pool while we the supervising staff stand in the boiling sun and watch. I detest Tuesdays. But despite how much I want to just collapse into bed right now, I did agree to take on a babysitting gig from 4:30-10:00this evening. I just finished reading to Rosalind and River (let it be known that those are in fact their real names), they are tucked in for the night, and now I'm enjoying a diet coke whilst simultaneously blogging on a computer so ancient it still has the Kid Pix application.

Today I weighed myself which was careless because I made a commitment to not step on the scale for two weeks. It's not like if I give myself unlimited access to the numbers I'll weigh myself after every meal, but it does provoke even more negative body image which leads to sadness which then leads to ice cream which then inevitably leads to more weight gain. Fortunately I've lost a few pounds over the last two weeks. This doesn't mean much though considering the last time I weighed myself it was bingeapalooza... so the shedded pounds are mostly water and salt. I've made some calculations though and I have exactly 15 lbs. to lose in order to be skinny again. So let the race begin!

I'll try to see how much can be lost without a ton of restriction... I do love food and I've been following the meal plan ALMOST perfectly so it would be a shame to go and ruin all my hard work. Ugh, who knows? Maybe I'll binge tonight and all of this will be meaningless. Moot.

Slow afternoon

It's almost been a week since the start of my summer health kick and I've been sticking to it fairly well. Today I decided to test my strength against binge urges. For lunch I packed my favorite sandwich that's usually reserved just for food benders because it's too triggering- peanut butter and fluff on rich Canadian white bread. SO YUMMY. But I figured eating with kids at work was a safe enough environment to experiment with triggering foods in a moderate fashion. I was a little bit urgey afterwards. In my mind I was like oh god I can't believe how many calories that probably had I might as well call it a binge and eat five more when I get home. Luckily however, we have a half an hour between lunch and dismissal so that gave me enough time to put things in perspective and get over it.

Blegh I'm working on the poopiest task right now. I need to e-mail the registrar at my school and ask him how to transfer the credit from my BU summer class. I have to all this stuff like dig up the course number and amount of credits the class is worth... boring stuff that I would rather put off till tomorrow. Maybe I'll settle down in front a Harry Potter movie and work so slowly I won't even notice I'm bored. I think I'll go with Prisoner of Azkaban. Gary Oldman is such a fox as Sirius Black...

It's taken me like four hours to finish writing this itty bitty post. I wrote the first paragraph right when I got home from work at 1:00, then I felt like bingeing so I went the gym, then on my way home I picked my sister up from camp and now it's 5:00.

Dilemmas

Two major issues on my mind right now, and I could certainly use some advice, thoughts, and/or criticism

1) Heather has been dating this guy named Mike for almost 6 months, and every time she asks if I want to meet him I find some excuse to avoid the introduction. By now she knows that I'm having issues but I haven't been completely honest with her as to what they are exactly. I TOLD her that I'm feeling socially phobic and anxious about meeting new people. The TRUTH is that I'm fat and ugly right now and I don't want to be seen. I haven't told this to anyone because I know how they'll respond. "Eliza, that is silly. Mike is interested in Heather, not you." That's fine, I know that! It's not like I want to be with him. Far from it. As someone who has never been emotionally stable or mature enough to stick with a guy for longer than a week, I have no desire to test the waters right now. But the thing is... and I'M JUST BEING HONEST because my blog is the only place for complete honesty... the thing is, I want him to want me.

Kill me. Just kill me now. I'm selfish and small. Well, selfish and large actually but my point is that I'm aware this is ridiculous thinking. You see, I'm the type of girl who goes in and out of attractiveness. It's almost scary. Sometimes I'm super cute and I know it so I flaunt it, and other times I'm fat and puffy and I look like a rodent so I just hide away and diet until I'm attractive again. It's how I function!

Anyways, he's coming over for dinner tonight to meet the family, and I made plans to be MIA. I'm going to see Despicable Me with my friend Amy. Heather is a little disappointed but I did promise to meet him before I go to Michigan in August so at least there's a deadline for it.

2) Not as pressing or urgent as the first matter but certainly one that I have been deliberating over. While our tenant, Margie was away in Spain for a few weeks she asked me to water her plants and pay her bills as they came. Her plants only needed watering twice the whole time she was away, and I really only mailed like three checks for her. She said she would pay me for the "work" and today left an envelope with a check for a hundred dollars and fifty dollar bill. I know this is too much but I sort of want to keep it. I'm also thinking that maybe the reason she split up the payment into a check and bill was so that I could have the chance to refuse some it if I wanted. But then Heather thinks that maybe she was just being courteous... not knowing whether I would want cash or a check so she gave me both just in case.

ARghh!!! I feel like I am living in a Jane Austen novel only without the romance and funny old people.

Oh happy day?

Now that I have a job during the week that actually involves me DOING SOMETHING during the day, it makes the weekends that much more confusing and directionless. I literally woke up this morning and felt afraid of all the time I was going to have on my hands today. I can't count how many weekends have turned into binge festivals because I wasn't prepared for lack of structure in my day. So today, even though I didn't have a schedule made up (like Marci advises) I was armed to the teeth with skills. After breakfast I left the house immediately to kick the soccer ball around in the park with little sister Rachel, and then throughout the day I just found little errands to run and tasks to keep myself busy. Went to the New England Mobile Book Fair with my mom which is practically the most engrossing store ever. Books are delivered straight to this warehouse from the publishing companies, and organized by publisher as opposed to author. All these amazing new books are ridiculously low priced. I bought a bunch. So shopping and reading occupied a great deal of my time today.

I also went to the gym this afternoon for the first time in like... weeks. Going to the gym is another binge trigger because I get super hungry afterwards but at the same time feel guilty for wanting extra food. I usually end up giving in and having a snack, then feeling horrible about it and bingeing to numb away the guilt.

I am not going to get complacent just because I had a successful Saturday though. Every time something good happens and I brag about it, the next day usually involves lots of ice cream and Nutella with a spoon.

Epiphany

Today I took a shower, and as I was walking into my room with a towel on I saw her in a full length mirror. I use the pronoun because at first I literally did not recognize her. I felt like I was seeing myself for the first time since I came home in December. I mean ACTUALLY SEEING my body. It was horrifying. Up until now I've just seen numbers on a scale and complained about them, never actually facing the reality... I am large again.

I didn't cry, although I got that lumpy strangled feeling that often precedes crying. I just sort of sat and shook. I remembered being thin, I remembered fitting into my clothes, I remembered compliments and being pretty. It was painful. Like no way out painful. I was so mortified I didn't even scramble to find a coping mechanism. This next part is like a scene from a movie: I started digging through my desk drawers frantically throwing papers and stickies over my shoulder in search of my journal from when I was in program. I figured I must have written something in there that could provide a way out or some sort of explanation for whatever was happening. And then I found it scribbled in towards the end! Right next to my doodle of wheel of cheese! I learned a great deal during my stint in eating disorder recovery program a couple months ago, and I would hasten to say that the most useful piece of information I left with is not a skill, which is nice, so you don't have to practice it. It's a fact. It's a fun fact! And I would like to share it with the world. If you are already aware of the fact then please keep in to yourself. I like to pretend that I know things first. It is as follows: Intense or unpleasant emotions, no matter how unbearable or scary they may feel in the moment, cannot be physically sustained by the body or mind for longer than fifteen minutes at a time. Isn't that wonderful? The best part is, it's not a mantra or an inspirational quote that might carry different meanings for different people in different situations. It is a biological fact. It is evolutionary fact. In fact, human beings would not be as advanced as they are today if this fact weren't true. Think about it... how on earth would our species remain extant if an emotion or a terrible thought just persisted forever? Self-preservation is ingrained into our DNA!

Sure enough about ten minutes later I remembered who I was and where I am. I'm Eliza, just in a bigger vessel. It sucks to look this way and tomorrow I might feel the suckage again but you know what? Eating disorders suck.

Not everything is permanent though.


DISCLAIMER: This fact is in no way intended to minimize or make light of your painful feelings. Take the loss of a loved one for example. Couldn't one argue that if a mother sees her children murdered before her own eyes she might never be entirely whole or happy again? Totally. But the truth is that grief comes in waves. No one has ever cried and mourned constantly and forever without stopping. We all have an emotional baseline that must be returned to at some point or we simply could not be.

Okay I'm done. Hopefully that made sense. I was putting away all my tests and quizzes from that BU class I took and it put me in an anthropological mood.

Ugh- what I've become

Just got an e-mail from my nutritionist, wanting to check in and see how things have been going since our final appointment last week. Marci is so sweet. I wish I could fold her up and bring her along to NY with me in the fall. Anyways, she found a few possible replacements for herself next year... one of them looks very promising indeed. Her name is Stacey and she has a practice on Madison Avenue. She sounds a little fancy for me but you know what? Marci was a little fancy too and sometimes fancy is better. Certainly better than judgmental and bullying... two characteristics which my therapist seems to have been trained by.

There is something wrong with my lungs again. I felt a lot of wheezing in New Hampshire and now it has sort of morphed into a flemmy cough accompanied by the most terrifyingly choked up, gnarly demon voice. It has to get better by itself though because I absolutely REFUSE to go the doctor. I've gained a solid ten pounds since my check-up last month so there is simply no way I will allow the current weight to appear on my medical chart. I'm sorry, this is an incredibly vain and cowardly thing to say but you know what? This is my blog and I'll say what I want. (I also just realized I tend to preface a lot of my statements with the rhetorical question, "...but you know what?" This is silly and I think it makes me sound too defensive so I'll try to work on that).

I didn't really binge today. I was still full from greasy Chinese yesterday when I woke up this morning, so all I had for breakfast was a light coffee frappe on my way to work. I skipped morning snack... had a PB sandwich and a nectarine for lunch, then came home and promptly fell asleep for two hours. When I woke up I ate a bunch of Sun Chips and Smartfood popcorn. It felt a little bingey, but I don't feel sick right now so, calorically, it probably wasn't a binge.

I'm definitely stuck in a food rut though. BINGE EATING ASIDE, I haven't really been putting in the effort to try and eat healthy foods or exercise. Examples... I haven't eaten a vegetable in three weeks. Any and all sandwiches I've eaten recently have been on white bread. I've begun opting for breakfast cereals like Honey Bunches of Oats and Panda Puffs instead of Oatmeal and fruit like I used too. Little things like those you know? And for real, I'm not just focusing on how my weight plays into this whole thing it just shows more self-respect when I opt for nutritious food and lately I haven't been caring enough about myself to try. This is not to say that white bread or yummy cereals and chips are bad foods, it's just that it's come to the point where I've stopped putting care and consideration into what I'm eating and THAT is bad.

My plan of action (because you know I always have one) is to make a list of healthy foods that I enjoy, and then make it a point to buy them and have them around the house. I'm off to make of list of them right now!

The apocalypse?

99 HELLISH DEGREES AND NO END IN SIGHT. I REFUSE TO LEAVE THE HOUSE. All I want to do is putz around on my laptop and watch reruns of The Office. I also wouldn't mind ordering a giant cheese pizza for dinner... just as long as I don't have to eat it outside or leave the house to go pick it up.

Today was the first of camp at the summer program where I'm working. It feels weird calling it camp though... it's a kindergarten classroom setting and the program is sort of designed for kids who either have learning disabilities and need a school-like environment to help them stay on track with stuff over the summer... or regular kids who don't have learning disabilities but whose parent's just don't have a ton of money because the tuition is really cheap.

Anyways, we have an adorable group of kids this year- about 16 of them, all around four and five years old. This one girl named Chrysanthe, she's super cute but at lunch would not stop singing Baby by Justin Beiber so to distract her I asked what her plans were for after camp today. She says, "My uncle is picking me up. I'm going to the park with my uncle! We're going to play in the park! It's going to be so romantic!" I was slightly weirded out by this comment but later on she also used the word romantic to describe the temperature outside... and her shoelaces.

I made a bunch of copies of the diary cards we used when I was in program. We had to fill one out for every day. It has a box for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and the three snacks you're supposed to eat every day... you fill in the amount of exchanges it calls for on the meal plan, then you fill in the amount of exchanges you actually ate at that meal. There's a before and after hunger scale for each allotted meal or snack, and then a chart where you check off any behaviors used around the meal (binge, purge, restrict, diet pills, exercise). If you didn't have a behavior but had an urge, you rate the urge on a scale of intensity from 1 to 5 and then write how you felt and how you dealt with it. I want to start filling these out again because I just wrapped things up with my nutritionist so I feel like I need to keep super close tabs on my eating. I'll start doing that tomorrow.

IT'S SO FREAKING HOT!!!!!!!!!

I hate my cousin Heather. And my therapist.

I love my cousin Heather. I love her to freaking pieces, but sharing my room with her is sort of like sharing my room with an old lady. She gets cold far too easily. It was almost 100 degrees today so I think I'm entitled to have the air conditioning on as I fall asleep. After all, it is MY ROOM. And wouldn't you say it's easier for her to bundle up if she's cold than for me to bundle down if I'm hot? I mean, she can put on layers but I can't peel off my skin. She's being really nice about it and not being overly fussy but obviously now I feel guilty for freezing her ass off.

Oh I'm home by the way. New Hampshire was fun and I love going up north. Tomorrow I start my summer job as an aide at one of the local summer programs for tiny children. It should be fun. I hope the teacher whose class I'm assigned to isn't a cranky witch like last year. That made me miserable. So I'm a little anxious tonight and binged as a result.

I don't care what my therapist says, but I am absolutely positive that environment has everything to do with my ED behaviors. HOME = BINGE EATING and SCHOOL = RESTRICTION. I'm not sure what this weekend away counted as... I was very successful in managing my urges. It was empowering being out of the house and away from the triggers, you know? I literally have a different behavior for every environment. Food takes on new meanings in new places. My therapist thinks that it's not so much the environment but the mind set. I say that's crap and she should find a different profession, like a meter maid. I bet she'd totally get off on punishing people for not putting enough quarters in. That's the kind of person she is. But anywhoodily, the point is that now since I've discovered that environment is responsible for the bingeing, I just need to make sure I stay out of the house as much as possible. This may be difficult... since I never really leave the house... BUT ONWARD I MUST PRESS IN THE QUEST TO VANQUISH THE BINGE MONSTER AND BECOME THIN AGAIN!

Back from NH. Happy July!

Hello everyone! As this is my first post of the month allow me to congratulate you all on making it to July. I feel a certain sense of accomplishment and pride every time another month goes by. Is this depressing?

Despite the date that appears on this post, and even though I'm typing this two days later, the actual words are being written on 6/3/10 at 10:15 p.m., in New Hampshire. I don't have a computer handy, and even if I did I doubt I'd get wireless so I'm scribbling this entry in my sister's composition notebook because it's the only paper I can find.

4th of July weekend at my great aunt's summer house in Sandwich, NH is a tradition since my Dad's parents died years ago. They lived in a neighboring town not far from here- in the most heartbreakingly beauitful house that my dad even designed part of for them. That house is essentially gone now. All of my grandparent's furniture and artwork that they'd collected from traveling all over the world has been auctioned off. The house is being leased to strangers, and now the only time we see the house itself is when we're driving through town on our way to the 4th of July parade every year. BUT ANYWAYS; yesterday I hiked up Mt. Whiteface with my Dad, brother, and Heather. We camped overnight at the top and then woke up at the crack of dawn to journey back down. It was ridiculous and terrifying and I'm not sure if I'll do it again but altogether I think our bravery and sense of adventure is laudable so well done us. I would go into further detail about the adventure (pooping in the woods, hearing scratching and whispering outside our tent in the middle of the night, etc...) but this is a blog primarily about my eating disorder, not my mediocre camping and survival skills.

I told myself that July would be my fresh start month food-wise, that I'd quit bingeing, exercise every day, and limit my daily intake enough to lose all this weight before going back to school in two months. Generally so far so good. No major binges since June 30th, 5 hour trek up a mountain counts as my exersize for the week, but general food intake has been a little larger than I'd like. I've been doing this thing the past few days where I start eating a lot of food, and then stop myself before it turns into a fully fledged binge. Example: Day before yesterday I had a bowl of honey bunches of oats with milk for breakfast and it was so yummy I had three more big bowls. Not exactly enough to qualify as a binge FOR ME, but definitely more than the breakfast on my meal plan. Then today, I felt urgey so I started mindlessly munching on tortilla chips and ate about 5 cookies before thinking to myself, "Hold it, girlfriend. The nearest grocery store is a twenty five minute drive into town and there are five other people in this house who need chips and cookies as well." It felt scary stopping in the middle of what my ED had sort of decided should be a binge. For about ten minutes I was floundering helplessly in the deep end of my anxieties, wishing more than anything I knew how to qualify or define what I'd just done. Mini binge? Momentary lapse of self-control? Normalized big snack in response to physical hunger? It sucked- the not knowing. But after about ten minutes I noticed that I wasn't dying of hunger, nor was my stomach stretching out uncomfortably over my shorts. I felt physically comfortable so I ran with that feeling and carried on with the day. If I'm being 100% honest I restricted quite a fair bit around dinner to make up for it though so we'll award 1 point to the ED for compensating and 1 point to Eliza for white-knuckling it in the grey area.