Grossness

I hate weekends!! The only reason they were created was to make it harder for addicts like me to avoid behaviors.

Our last group in program yesterday was weekend planning. I filled out my packet, made lots of plans- basically tried to schedule myself with people and activities round the clock so I wouldn't binge. When I got home though my dad was still at work, my sister and my mom were on a girl scout field trip, my brother was watching t.v. with his friends, and it was raining so I couldn't run. Boredom and restlessness took over and before I knew it I was fully engaged in stuffing my face.

The worst part was that I went to the grocery store and purposely brought ten dollars so I could only buy a few things to pig out on, but just like last time there was a sale on ice cream so I ended up with two cartons again. UGH.

Anyways. That was yesterday. Today is today. Last weekend I binged on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Gonna try to stay strong and keep it to just the one slip this week. It'll still be a fail but at least it's progress, right?

Body Image

Today in Body Image group we did this activity called Dear Body, Dear Self. Anyone ever heard of it? I hadn't. Well, you sit down and write a letter to your body, as if it were a friend that you've been having relationship problems with. You can write about how your body has let you down, how it made changes you weren't ready for, or how it made you feel ashamed. My letter was pretty accusatory. I think I wrote something like, "You are the reason I don't go to parties anymore, you are the reason I shroud myself in baggy clothes, you are the source of everything in my life that sucks..." Something like that. Anyway, then we respond as if we are our BODIES writing back to OURSELVES. That was more challenging because how exactly do you put yourself in the position of someone or something that you hate? Then, after about three minutes of pencil tapping and staring out the window, it was as if my body literally took on a voice and started speaking to me. I realize this sounds corny and maybe even a little nuts but I'm totally serious. I started realizing just how much I've been abusing my body over the years- rapidly gaining tons of binge weight then losing it by crash dieting and beating myself to death at the gym. The letter from my body was angry and VERY hesitant to trust me. And lets be honest, why should it?

In other treatment news, we had two new girls today! This is nice because it means I'm not the newbie anymore and now I can impart my wisdom on these vulnerable little chickens. Granted, I was exactly where they are a week ago so I'm not sure how much wisdom I've actually accrued...

FML

I am so fucking sick of having an eating disorder. Honestly, it's been so long I can't even remember what life was like when it didn't revolve around food and weight. You know I never really enjoyed being a teenager because it held me back so much? When I was fourteen I was so overwhelmed by the high school environment that starvation was my only way of dealing and consequently wound up anorexic. I guess that's where it began... everyone assumed I got better because sophomore year I gained back a whole mess of weight but the truth is I'd just found another ED- binge eating. The next few years I went on off different diets, never really feeling happy with my weight and always kind of avoiding life. College finally rolls around, I get so depressed that I put on not only the Freshman 15, but the freshman 30 to boot. I get to be about five or ten pounds overweight, freak out, then decide to get "healthy" again, so I spend the summer eating right and exercising. I go back to college in the fall, fifteen pounds thinner, and much happier with my body. I figure, if I'm happy here, imagine how much better I'll feel if I lose another fifteen pounds!!! One thing leads to another and my periods have stopped, my jeans are falling off and the school nurse starts calling me mean names like anemic and hypertensive. So I go on medical leave to try and figure out what's happening to me, only to take up binge eating again so now I'm right back where I started.

Oh man. Sorry for that annoying little trip down memory lane, but this is my life you guys. Sure, there have been inconsequential love interests and wonderful friends every now and then, but for sure my primary relationship has always been with an eating disorder. When will it end? I hate what I've become so much that I don't even feel like I deserve treatment. I'm not brave! I'm not strong! I have only my behaviors to get me through the days and without them I'm just a struggling little kid being forced to grow up.

Yuck. I hate pity fests but that definitely needed to be said.

Woah

Today was one of those mornings where I would have given away my right leg NOT to get out of bed. It was cold, the heat had been turned off all night and I was snuggled under like fifty fluffy blankets so I pretty much felt like dying when my alarm clock went off at 5:45. Luckily dad was able to give me a ride to program...

Speaking of which, I stuck to the meal plan 100% in treatment today. No hiding nuts or tucking cheese into my pants! It felt great actually. Unfortunately my appetite was completely thrown off due the unexpected arrival of period. On the one hand I was relieved to get it because that means my body hasn't gone into starvation mode, but on the flip side I was irritable and SO EFFING HUNGRY. I had my afternoon snack, then another when my stomach was still growling, then another, and another, and another until finally I was just like, "What the hell do you want from me?! You want food?! I'll GIVE you food!" So I ate pretty much everything in the house: Ice cream, cookies, peanut butter, and a huge burrito for dinner. Yes, at least I didn't skip dinner.

I don't feel too guilty about caving in and going on a bender; mainly for three reasons: The first being that I do have my period and I usually cut myself some slack around that time of the month. It's so much easier to handle the cramping and fatigue if I can eat eat eat. Secondly, I had my physical yesterday and my weight was highly acceptable- not low enough yet but acceptable indeed. Thirdly, ummmmm.... okay I guess there were only two. OH no wait the third reason is I know I didn't binge out of restriction because I stuck to the meal plan today.

Am I making up excuses? Maybe. Either way I promise not to restrict tomorrow. Do the next thing right, right? I promise to tell the group at check in, and I promise to try and suppress the urge next time.

Woah I get really spastic after pigging out! It's the chemical thing with the neurotransmitters I think.

Also did I mention that program in general is actually getting kind of fun? I'm already friends with all the other girls on facebook and in groups we get along well. I'm also learning more about the connection between thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, and how they don't necessarily have to dictate one another. I do think it will be good for me to stay longer than two weeks. I think I deserve my life back.

Although who knows. I'm on the verge of a food coma right now so I dunno how sound my judgment is.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bad food mood

I AM EXHAUSTED. I never thought a day that involved so little exercise could be this draining. The commute to program in the morning wasn't bad, but I was forced to wake up at 5:45, starving- so I was running on empty for two hours before breakfast.

Can't say I did any better on the meal plan today. I may have actually done worse. At breakfast I prepared myself a big bowl of cornflakes with 8 ounces of soy milk and an apple. I thought this was sufficient but apparently I was still missing a fat exchange so the supervising counselor helped me portion out some almonds. Anyways, being the cowardly and conniving little brat I am- slipped all of the nuts into the sleeve of my sweatshirt throughout the meal and tossed them later. I did the same thing at lunch with a cheese stick.

Needless to say after the restriction I was feeling pretty hungry and by the time I got home was hit by this HUGE urge to binge. Then I felt terrible because obviously I'd set myself up for this. Anyways, I practiced some progressive muscle relaxation and after about five minutes I decided to have a cookie flavored luna bar and that seemed to suppress the urge. I give myself 3 points for the successful utilization of program skills but minus 10 for all the cheating I did throughout the day.

Two steps forward, one step back

Today started off much better than yesterday. Breakfast at program went totally fine- in fact, by the time my dad dropped me off this morning I'd already been up for two hours and the last thing I'd eaten was my pittance of a dinner the night before so I was ravenous. My breakfast meal plan calls for 2 grains, 1 fat, 1 fruit, and 1 milk. It sounds like a lot but I was perfectly comfortable eating 3/4 of a cup of low fat granola (2 grains, 1 fat), 8 oz. of soy milk (1 protein), and an apple (1 fruit).

Later on in the day we met with the nutritionist; this tiny blond doll who obviously weighs like 70 lbs. I hate that. Anyways, she brought with her bunch of commonly found food items at Starbucks like muffins, scones, bagels, parfait, sandwich etc.. then had us go through each one and guess how many exchanges they were worth. I suck at this game- I gave muffins and scones 4 grains and 5 fats when in reality they're like 2 grains and 2 fats. Just goes to show how screwed up I am!

No exercise freak outs today. It was my Dad's birthday so I spent the afternoon picking out gifts at the mall with my little sister and that provided a nice distraction. I started going off the meal plan later in the day though. I skipped both my afternoon and evening snack, then when we went out for dinner I picked at my plate of salad. I'm really not supposed to be restricting at this point- no wiggle room with meal plans! It's not like I'm at a dangerously low weight or anything but the program considers it just as serious as purging or bingeing and all of these eating disordered behaviors are cheating treatment.

I'm sleepy now so I'll turn in. My stomach is growling. I feel so guilty about it- being dishonest with the meal plan, denying my body food that it rightfully deserves, all of it.

Day 1

One day down. Nine more to go. HOPEFULLY just nine more.

To be fair, it wasn't the excruciating pain I was expecting it to be. We kicked off the morning with a weight check. We have to wear these skimpy little johnnys for the weight checks so thank god they're only twice a week because I hate undressing. After that we had target and planning group. This is basically where we go around and discuss the different types of things that trigger our maladaptive behaviors, and then give each other advice on how to combat distorted thinking or whatever.

The worst parts of the day were of course the meals. I didn't actually eat breakfast with the group today because I was getting an orientation, so that part was okay. Snack wasn't bad either. I was allowed a piece of fruit and a glass of water. Lunch was tough. They made me put TWO slices of cheese on my sandwich and as if that wasn't enough, I still needed another dairy exchange too. I only drink milk with cookies so I opted for soy milk instead but still, the extra calories left me feeling fat and pissed off.

It could be worse though. The girl sitting next to me is on a GAIN weight meal plan, so for lunch she had to eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, a pear, cottage cheese, a yogurt, a snack pack size of little brownies, and a Boost. At one point during lunch I must have seemed particularly distressed because she looked over at me and said, "I swear it gets easier."

Anyways, I came home and started feeling antsy and bored because I'm usually on the elliptical by 4:00. I tried sitting with the urge for about fifteen minutes like they tell you too, but it wouldn't go away and all these images started coming into my head: Eliza getting fat, Eliza having no friends, Eliza not going back to school, Eliza drinking soy milk at lunch. I feel like soy milk was the trigger because that was the last thought before I pulled on my running shoes and bolted out the door.

So I walked/slow jogged to the reservoir near my house and went around twice. I honestly can't say if I was in it to burn calories or just to get my heart pumping. Either way I felt better afterward. I feel less guilty about feeding myself if I know I've exercised at least some.

I'm looking at my meal plan right now. It's almost funny actually. I'm expected to have another grain or protein for snack later in the day, then 2 grains, 3 proteins, 1 veggie, 1 milk, and 1 fat for dinner, then another grain or protein snack before bed. Ummmm... since noon I've eaten 3 carrot sticks and about half a cup of black beans with some shredded cheese for dinner.

I'm nervous about eating breakfast there tomorrow.