Floundering

Today I binged for the first time since the crisis. I've been having urges a lot lately but the guilt from Sunday has been so fresh in my mind that it's been keeping me at a relative distance from the behavior. Also, since the family has gotten home from Michigan it's been more difficult to get away with bingeing. I mean, I could if I wanted to, but in order to take the car out to the store I'd have to lie and say I was going somewhere else, then when I got home I'd have to sneak around eating ice cream in the bathroom and that is never fun. This weekend however, my dad is in London on business, Heather is at Mike's in the South Shore, my Mom is taking a week long intensive class that will allow her to have a duel teaching license so she can teach High School in addition to middle school, and Jake and Rachel are just kind of off doing their own thing. That being the case, it was not difficult to get away with indulging in my own little food festival.

I guess I'm not going back to school in September. Yesterday I went to the park next to my house and sat on the swings for like an hour and half deliberating. I made a pros and cons list of reasons I should go back vs. stay home but I thought about them for so long that they stopped making sense. It's like when you repeat a word over and over again. Firefly. That's one of those words that loses meaning once you say it enough. Firefly. Really? A bug that flies around with a glowing behind? Really?! It sounds like jibberish to me. Anyways, the point I starting trying to make is that I just feel so broken that I don't really imagine how I could muster the strength to renew my little life in New York. Chair is another good one. Chair. Chair. Chair. It makes just about as much sense as the word zvonk after you say it twenty or so times. I feel a little deflated by my decision actually. For the sake of this blog at least I thought it would get much more interesting when I went back to school and started having a life. Now what? Another five months of me leading this pathetic existence of Nutella and sleeping in till noon? My god what has become of my life?! I swear I wasn't always this boring, you have to believe me! It's hard when you are doomed to do the bidding of an unruly eating disorder 24 hours a day 7 days a week. It doesn't leave much time for hobbies or friends.

I'm doubly worried about how things are going to operate next week since today was my last day of work at camp. Without some sort of occupation in the mornings I'm going to be so tempted to fill the time with bad decisions. I need to come up with a nice long list of places to go that aren't triggering. Maybe Mt. Auburn cemetery. Or Booksmith.