Dark clouds

Well yesterday was my honest to god last appointment with Dr. Biteme ever. Hopefully the last one. You never know. I'm actually super tempted to go back and see her in another couple months or whenever I lose this weight just to prove to her that I'm capable of restriction. She's always thought that I could never be truly anorexic because whenever I restrict I ultimately end up bingeing at some point, and lately I've been really wanting to prove her wrong. Isn't that twisted?

I've always had moments of sadness and grieving for the loss of my thinner body, but lately, especially at night, it's all I can think about. Certain images are clouding my mind when I try to fall asleep and it's very painful and unnerving. I lie there in bed trying drift off and all I can see is myself 6 months ago- running off to class in my size two jeans, wondering excitedly when I can check my reflection again in the mirror, counting down the days till I go home and all my friends can see how awesome I look. I don't know why these obsessive thoughts and memories are especially bad right now, but they're making my will to lose weight stronger than it's been in a long time.

This week has been good on the food front. No binges since Sunday, and not a lot of restriction either. Exchange wise, I'm probably coming in just ever so slightly under what my meal plan calls for. But this is okay I figure, since I'm still eating when I'm hungry and not ignoring hunger cues. My hope is that after a couple weeks of steady balanced eating, I can start taking out snacks or other exchanges here and there without going into panic binge mode. I don't want it to feel like restriction. Even when I was at a super low weight last fall it didn't really feel like restriction because I had my body totally browbeaten into running on so few calories.

And now it's almost ten o' clock and I am terrified of going to sleep.