Well it's my last day of freedom before starting outpatient. I have been so dreading the idea of treatment for the last week that I've been subsequently holding on to my disordered eating and exercise behavior even more strongly than usual- as if I'm afraid they're going to stolen from me or something. No binges this week. I tend to stop bingeing and go back to starving when things start feeling out of control.
The little gremlin who lives in the back of my head and controls the bad behavior though has worked out three ways that I can get back to losing weight even in treatment: The first is that I only promised my parents two weeks. After that I'm gone. The second is that, no matter how uncomfortable I am with the amount of food I have to eat there I can always skip dinner at home to avoid any drastic calorie overload. The third is that even though they said no exercise, I can cheat. I like to think of myself as someone who faces most obstacles with integrity but the truth is when it comes to weight loss, there isn't anything I wouldn't do for it.
I do hope that my negative attitude towards recovery doesn't show or rub off on any of the other people I meet there. I'd hate to bring around a cloud and rain on everyone's parade.
The first paragraph makes perfect sense and is completely normal.
ReplyDeleteI worry about that treatment is going to be a waste of time because you are saying that you are going to do things against the treatment plan. Maybe it is just your fears talking, or maybe you really aren't ready to let go. I don't even know if you know. If you're not going to give it 100%, as scary as that is, it's not worth it. Good luck though!
Yeah I've told my parents that treatment isn't going to help if I'm not willing to let it, but unfortunately it's "non-negotiable."
ReplyDeletewell, maybe something will change when you get there. I hope so.
ReplyDeleteIt might not help, but it's not going to hurt. And you might learn something that helps you stop the destructive behavior. Let's face it it's not going to hurt you, unless it makes you totally fear therapy.
ReplyDeleteDon't think of it as losing your freedom, think of it as gain freedom from those destructive voices.