Here goes.

As of a couple weeks ago, I have officially decided that my life is on hold. My name is Eliza. I am nineteen years old. I go to college in NY but recently it's been decided that I should take a semester off because something is happening to me only I don't know what.

I guess it started as a diet over the summer. It ALWAYS starts off with a diet. Anyways, I went back to school in the fall, and suddenly it was like my body was my most important project. I was taking psych, french, and theater for classes-- but after two weeks of being back it was my weight loss that I boasted the best results in. Whatever, it was months ago. I lost about fifteen pounds in seven weeks, gaining more and more motivation every time I stepped on the scale and watched the numbers drop. I've never been so good at anything in my whole life-- losing weight I mean. I'm terribly insecure. So much so that I avoid activities in general because I'm afraid to fail. But I wasn't failing with weight loss.

Anyways I'm home now. Home for second semester. The anorexia has sort of morphed into a new and worse type of eating disorder. At least twice a week I binge to the point where the skin on my stomach stretches painfully over my jeans, then I spend the next few days restricting calories and working off the extra shame at the gym. I have no idea what is happening, but I have never felt this out of control and I feel like I don't even recognize myself anymore.

In about a week I'm starting an outpatient day treatment program. Don't know quite how I feel about it yet-- mom and dad are making me.

Questions? Advice? I'm listening.