Yuck. In an effort to try and normalize my eating patterns the nutritionist at program has added a dessert to my lunch two times a week. I usually only eat sweets on binge days, and apparently if I expose myself to small amounts of ice cream and cookies on a regular basis I'll be inclined to pig out on them less. It makes sense I suppose, but having to stop after half a cup of rocky road is torturous.
So I decided to follow the theme of risk taking throughout the rest of the day too. I went back to the gym for the first time in like... five weeks. I prepared myself mentally for the fact that I would probably be triggered by all the people working out, all the fitness magazines and stuff.
Coming back to the gym after a month in program was such an eye opener actually. You're surrounded by dozens of different machines to burn off all the food you've eaten, plus monitors to tell you how hard you're working your body to do it, not to mention the thing that clocks how many calories are being slashed. NO FUCKING WONDER it screwed me up so badly. The place is a breeding ground for eating disorders.
Anyways, I did half an hour on the elliptical. I figured it was best not to jump right back into my 45 minute sessions because I didn't want beat my muscles too much on the first day back. I listened to my ipod, read some non-threatening magazines, pondered some other stuff too... getting back to cardio was amazing. My heart was pumping fast enough for me to feel it inside my chest, and I LOVE that feeling. I was able to stop after my half hour though, figuring it was time for afternoon snack and I wanted to get home and clean my room.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Truckin along
Well I managed to make it through the weekend without behaviors which was very rewarding for a change. On Friday I kicked back and watch 2012 with my dad and brother- which just went to show me that no matter how bad things may seem, at the least California isn't sinking and the ground isn't splitting under our feet. Yesterday I went shopping with my little sister because I wanted to buy distress tolerance toys and she wanted to come along and see what gifts she could squeeze outta me. I ended up with silly putty, a squishy ball, and a friendship bracelet making kit which is TOTALLY engrossing and I can already tell it'll be an awesome DBT distraction skill.
Tonight my cousin made dinner- chicken chili and a vegetarian version for me. I was sitting on the kitchen floor munching on vegetables and keeping her company while she fooled around with the stove and then my dad comes in and says, "Eliza try and save room for dinner, alright?" I looked at him and paused because I sort of thought he was kidding, but he just stood there so I said, "...Dad, this is a carrot." The ED stepped in and I got this huge lump in my throat so I had to leave the kitchen and cry for a few minutes in my room. Luckily no one noticed so it was all good and the dinner turned out yummy.
Tomorrow I start my fifth week of treatment. Hooray for me making it this far! Probs have like another month to go I would guess...
Tonight my cousin made dinner- chicken chili and a vegetarian version for me. I was sitting on the kitchen floor munching on vegetables and keeping her company while she fooled around with the stove and then my dad comes in and says, "Eliza try and save room for dinner, alright?" I looked at him and paused because I sort of thought he was kidding, but he just stood there so I said, "...Dad, this is a carrot." The ED stepped in and I got this huge lump in my throat so I had to leave the kitchen and cry for a few minutes in my room. Luckily no one noticed so it was all good and the dinner turned out yummy.
Tomorrow I start my fifth week of treatment. Hooray for me making it this far! Probs have like another month to go I would guess...
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Lets kick this mother
Okay guys, now I know you've heard me say it before and I know it's probably starting to sound repetitive and blobby- but I have to start working harder at this recovery thing because I'm losing the battle right now. I just cannot stop binging. I feel like that little girl in The Exorcist. The devil possesses her- one day she's just peeing on the carpet and the next she's throwing up all over people and her head spins around 360 degrees.
In a couple minutes I'm going to sit down and fill out a weekend planning sheet so that I can stay nice and in control until Monday. Does anyone have any advice? I mean obviously I have my list of DBT coping skills and my mom is a super awesome support for when I feel urgey but I feel like it might not be enough.
Tomorrow at program is going to suck since I'll feel like restricting after today but you know what? That's what I get for being such a fucking idiot.
Anyways, thanks everyone for putting up with my crap. This blog must be awfully frustrating to read. It's like, "JUST GET BETTER ALREADY!!!!!!!"
In a couple minutes I'm going to sit down and fill out a weekend planning sheet so that I can stay nice and in control until Monday. Does anyone have any advice? I mean obviously I have my list of DBT coping skills and my mom is a super awesome support for when I feel urgey but I feel like it might not be enough.
Tomorrow at program is going to suck since I'll feel like restricting after today but you know what? That's what I get for being such a fucking idiot.
Anyways, thanks everyone for putting up with my crap. This blog must be awfully frustrating to read. It's like, "JUST GET BETTER ALREADY!!!!!!!"
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
ED bites back
I've decided to stop bragging about the good days I have because it seems like after every happy post, the following one is hopeless and relapsey.
Today I flipped out about how much I ate last night so I called in sick to program. The worst part is I essentially purged through fasting and a tiny bit of exercise. This is serious, people. For the past few weeks, even though I've had occasional binge episodes, I was really trying NOT to compensate for them. When you compensate for a binge, either by vomiting, exercise, fasting, or using pills, all it does is reinforce the binging in the first place.
Right now I'm on quite a starvation high so the reality of how stupid I'm being hasn't quite sunk in. It's going to take every fiber of my being to eat dinner tonight. I haven't decided if I'm going to yet. I should though.
Today I flipped out about how much I ate last night so I called in sick to program. The worst part is I essentially purged through fasting and a tiny bit of exercise. This is serious, people. For the past few weeks, even though I've had occasional binge episodes, I was really trying NOT to compensate for them. When you compensate for a binge, either by vomiting, exercise, fasting, or using pills, all it does is reinforce the binging in the first place.
Right now I'm on quite a starvation high so the reality of how stupid I'm being hasn't quite sunk in. It's going to take every fiber of my being to eat dinner tonight. I haven't decided if I'm going to yet. I should though.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Things to think about
Today one of my favorite girls was discharged. It was a little sad but everyone could tell she was ready and totally strong enough to get on with her life so that was awesome too.
I had a crappy-ish day. I woke up this morning and KNEW the day would suck because, lets face it, whenever the first thing I see out the window is rainy and apocalyptic, it's never a promising day. On the other hand however, I got to boast about my first weekend in treatment without binging!!! YAY ME!!! However I just ate quite a bit and I'm not sure whether or not it counts as a binge. I had a bag of reese's and three big cups of low-fat vanilla ice cream. I feel a little overly full, but not stuffed... after most binges I usually can't move so maybe I've made some headway?? Oh well. Something to explore tomorrow in group.
Oh and something else interesting- I've lost weight! How weird yet awesome is that??? You know I've never actually given my body a chance to let itself find a set point because throughout my whole teenage life I've either been slightly too thin from restricting or slightly too fat from binging. Who knows where I really belong? Not me. Anyway, I'm changing the subject now because I promised myself I'd only write 3-4 sentences about weight.
Oh oh oh! Yesterday I went running!!! IT WAS AMAZING. I don't count it as an ED behavior because: a) I didn't try to calculate how many calories I burned
b) It wasn't to purge after a binge
c) I didn't overdo it.
Hmmm... sometimes I wonder if I will EVER want to write about other topics in my blog besides ED stuff. I chose the name "Working on it" because I'm hoping that eventually it can apply to more than just my eating disorder.
I had a crappy-ish day. I woke up this morning and KNEW the day would suck because, lets face it, whenever the first thing I see out the window is rainy and apocalyptic, it's never a promising day. On the other hand however, I got to boast about my first weekend in treatment without binging!!! YAY ME!!! However I just ate quite a bit and I'm not sure whether or not it counts as a binge. I had a bag of reese's and three big cups of low-fat vanilla ice cream. I feel a little overly full, but not stuffed... after most binges I usually can't move so maybe I've made some headway?? Oh well. Something to explore tomorrow in group.
Oh and something else interesting- I've lost weight! How weird yet awesome is that??? You know I've never actually given my body a chance to let itself find a set point because throughout my whole teenage life I've either been slightly too thin from restricting or slightly too fat from binging. Who knows where I really belong? Not me. Anyway, I'm changing the subject now because I promised myself I'd only write 3-4 sentences about weight.
Oh oh oh! Yesterday I went running!!! IT WAS AMAZING. I don't count it as an ED behavior because: a) I didn't try to calculate how many calories I burned
b) It wasn't to purge after a binge
c) I didn't overdo it.
Hmmm... sometimes I wonder if I will EVER want to write about other topics in my blog besides ED stuff. I chose the name "Working on it" because I'm hoping that eventually it can apply to more than just my eating disorder.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
A blog from the boonies
So I'm up in Maine for the weekend. The Quakers from my family's meeting house are on a retreat and I was hired to come along and do childcare while the adults have their little workshops and activity groups.
The internet out here is a little touch and go so I figured I'd try to get some blogging in before the connection dies again. Ugh. I'm in the middle of nowhere. Also, trying to remember what it was exactly that possessed me to go on this trip. I mean granted I'm leaving tomorrow so it's not like I'm dying but still you gotta wonder... do you ever agree to do stuff because it's like a month away and you figure, "I have time to prepare myself," only to have one month fly by and then you're like.... uhhhh, why did I commit??
Behaviors have been kicking up since I got here yesterday- I'm not surprised though. Whenever I leave home for college, vacation, even weekend trips, I start restricting like crazy. So yesterday I met maybe half of what my meal plan calls for, and so far today has been no different. Oh man. I wanna go home.
The internet out here is a little touch and go so I figured I'd try to get some blogging in before the connection dies again. Ugh. I'm in the middle of nowhere. Also, trying to remember what it was exactly that possessed me to go on this trip. I mean granted I'm leaving tomorrow so it's not like I'm dying but still you gotta wonder... do you ever agree to do stuff because it's like a month away and you figure, "I have time to prepare myself," only to have one month fly by and then you're like.... uhhhh, why did I commit??
Behaviors have been kicking up since I got here yesterday- I'm not surprised though. Whenever I leave home for college, vacation, even weekend trips, I start restricting like crazy. So yesterday I met maybe half of what my meal plan calls for, and so far today has been no different. Oh man. I wanna go home.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Bitch
My mood is neutral today. The weather is incredible and sunlight has given me a considerable dose of happy for today but on the other hand, my therapist is so frustrating she makes me want to tear off my own head and eat it. Well maybe not eat it...no extra calories for me no thank you.
I feel like I'm making little bits of progress every day but whenever I start saying hopeful and optimistic things about recovery or myself in general, she gets all defensive and says things like, "Yes... but you've got a long way to go." Ummm... DUH! What am I, stupid? I've had an eating disorder for five fucking years I think I've accepted the fact that it's gonna take a while for it to ever really fade out of my life. ARgh! Then I changed the subject and told her about some urges I have been having lately, particularly exercise urges. My cardio urges come in waves throughout the day. Basically for about five or ten minutes all I can think about is moving around and getting my legs moving but then I distract myself and it subsides. So I tell her how proud I am of myself for not giving into ED behaviors or whatever and she says she's happy too. So I pause and clear my throat before casually asking how much longer I'll have to wait till I get to return to the gym. She says, "If you're still needing to ask that, you're not ready."
Anyone else ever feel like their therapist is a judgmental poopie head?
I feel like I'm making little bits of progress every day but whenever I start saying hopeful and optimistic things about recovery or myself in general, she gets all defensive and says things like, "Yes... but you've got a long way to go." Ummm... DUH! What am I, stupid? I've had an eating disorder for five fucking years I think I've accepted the fact that it's gonna take a while for it to ever really fade out of my life. ARgh! Then I changed the subject and told her about some urges I have been having lately, particularly exercise urges. My cardio urges come in waves throughout the day. Basically for about five or ten minutes all I can think about is moving around and getting my legs moving but then I distract myself and it subsides. So I tell her how proud I am of myself for not giving into ED behaviors or whatever and she says she's happy too. So I pause and clear my throat before casually asking how much longer I'll have to wait till I get to return to the gym. She says, "If you're still needing to ask that, you're not ready."
Anyone else ever feel like their therapist is a judgmental poopie head?
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