Goodbye, 2010. You were a sucky year and you made me fat so good riddance to you.

I'm essentially spending New Years Eve EXACTLY the same way I did last year- hotel in New Hampshire with the gang, dinner at Fudruckers, contra dancing at the local barn (yeah, you heard me, I contra dance with my family), and then falling asleep in front of the t.v. at around 11:55. No parties, no drinking, not a ton of hoopla. I think in my entire life I've only had one real, "traditional" New Year's Eve experiance. It was in High School. I went to a party at my friend Laura's house, drank about 24 ounces of vodka from a large tupperware container, and then promptly passed out in her basement, in a dog kennel. Good times.

Today was fun. We drove over to Mt. Cranmore for some skiing but I was really only up for one run down a green circle and then I took a nap in the car. I HATE SKIING. The thing is, I always convince myself that this year it'll be different. I think to myself, "I've grown, I've matured, I've developed quite a tremendous amount of insight into myself so I've probably also become the type of person who likes to ski." What the fuck? Skiing is horrible no matter how much knowledge or wisdom I think I've obtained. First of all, you spend about half an hour getting all your shit together and putting on the thermal underwear and the snowpants and the coat and the gloves, hat, scarf, and helmet and goggles and those god-awful ski boots that you've gotta click click click with all the straps and buckles. You feel like you're getting dressed to go the moon! Then the skiing itself is even worse. Everything hurts and I always get my skiis crossed and have to stop and adjust. THEN, when I finally do get a nice rythmic stride going I always start going faster than I want and it feels scary and sickening. My whole life flashes before my eyes.

So after we got back from the mountain I felt really depressed and unfulfilled so I grabbed my figure skates and fooled around on the hotel's ice rink for about an hour or so. When I came back to the room my mom said, "You looked like you were having so much fun out there! You should take lessons again this winter. I forgot how much you love to skate!" I think "love" is a tad much... but I greatly prefer skating to skiing that's for sure.

I ate a lot at dinner tonight. Like A LOT. I can't say it was a binge though because I didn't eat any more than anyone else did. I'm doing an experiment. I'm going to see what happens if I stop trying to moniter my food intake with a meal plan. Instead, I'll just eat whatever I want when I want but not engage in behaviors. Does that make sense? Or does it sound kind of like I've stopped trying...

Nice break from reality

I'm so blissed out right now- cozied up with a furry quilt and a hot mug of apple cider on the top floor of the North Conway Grand Hotel in New Hampshire. I guess coming up here after Christmas with the family has become somewhat of a tradition. We go skiing, shop at the outlet malls, figure skate, eat at restaurants, and swim in the pool. I just love family getaways!

Another thing that's awesome about being away from home and being on vacation is that my eating is WAY more normalized. In fact (and maybe this will sound like a bit of an exaggeration), there were times today when I truly felt like I don't have an eating disorder. Take dinner at Applebee's tonight for example: I thought a Greek salad sounded healthy and good so I ordered that and then to round out the meal I had no trouble eating only TWO mozzarella sticks, a small handful of Jake's fries, and half of a sundae with my parents. Okay, okay, for some people this might still sound like a lot but to someone with binge eating disorder, it's pretty modest.

Now we're back in the room and watching The West Wing. Usually I'd be complaining and begging to watch a cute romantic comedy or at least some Seinfeld but right now things just seem good the way they are.

Rotten mood. Oh I'm also changing the name of my blog again

I was feeling really shitty and kind of pathetic all day today and I couldn't really figure out why. I mean, besides the obvious reasons- I've been non stop holiday bingeing for the past week and half, Christmas is over, haven't been taking my meds, Aunt Sarah went back to NYC this morning blah blah blah. A couple hours ago I sort of felt like running outside for a bit, because lately that's been a great way for me to lift my spirits. It makes me feel strong and accomplished. But after a bunch of binge days I always have this thought that I don't deserve exercise. I think to myself, "Exercise is for healthy people who want to take care of themselves and I am clearly not healthy. I am a fat pig who should just hole myself up for another month or so until I can get my act back together. Then I can go running." Plus I guess I also feel like it's cheating recovery somehow... my nutritionist used to tell me that I should really only add exercise back into my life once I've stopped bingeing. Otherwise it's just a purging method. I guess I see where she's coming from. But really, with the amount of weight I need to lose, and all the pie and ice cream I've been guzzling, how much difference is one half hour run going to make?

I wonder if Dr. Gordon will respond to the letter I e-mailed her. It was her idea actually for me to check in with her before we meet next week. She said she may or may not respond but either way she said she'd read it so that's nice to know.

I guess I'll get dressed for my run. What the fuck do I care if it's not appropriate to go running after so much bingeing? I've given up on weight loss anyways so all this run serves to do is improve my mood and I don't see that there is anything wrong with that.

P.S. I'm going to change the name of my blog again. Haha sorry if all the changing around is confusing, I just feel like I need a superb title that sums up all the aspects of my life in one neat little bundled up phrase. So here's what I'm planning the new title to be: Normal is Just a Setting on the Washing Machine

Letter to Dr. Gordon

Dear Dr. Gordon,

I’ve been looking forward to finally sitting down and sending you an e-mail! I hope you’ve been enjoying the holiday break. Let me just preface this message (which I’m just realizing might be rather long because I feel like I have a lot to say) by assuring you that you don’t need to respond if you don’t have time! I’m glad you suggested checking in before we see each other next week… sometimes just writing everything out and sending it to someone can be helpful even if there is no reply.

This week has been sort of all over the place, and I guess by “this week” what I really mean is my mood, behaviors, thoughts, and feelings have been all over the place. On the days leading up to Christmas I had to work a lot, and most of the time by myself. It’s funny because usually I prefer working alone. It means I can sit and read and not have to work so hard at looking busy. But I must have just gotten super bored/super hungry because I actually binged twice at work. Twice. Two separate days. I BINGED ON CREAM FROM THE STORE. It was horrible. A part of me was shocked that I would do something so irresponsible and impulsive during work hours, but another part of me wasn’t all that surprised. I mean, I’ve been working at Angora for almost three months now. You’d think I would have found the chance to pig out at work a long time ago.

On Christmas Eve my family went to decorate gingerbread houses at our family friend’s house but I refused to go and that got everyone a little frustrated with me. It’s just that last year was so much skinnier and I don’t think I could handle being seen this overweight. Luckily ‘tis the season for forgiveness and all that lovely stuff, so they got over it and the holiday was still a success.

I never thought I’d hear myself say it, but I’m sort of relieved that Christmas is over. The holiday makes it so much harder to eat right, think clearly, stay mindfull… etc.

The fact that I’ve been SO inconsistent with my meds probably hasn’t helped matters. It’s not just the increase in binges that occur when I go off the Prozac. It’s been disrupting my sleep patterns, my mood, my concentration, EVERYTHING. Sticking to the meds will definitely be one of my New Years Resolutions, or as my mother so warmly puts it, “A non-negotiable if you want to go back to school in the fall.”

A part of me feels like giving up entirely because every time my life seems to develop some semblance of stability and progress I ultimately (inevitably) crash and burn. Maybe I should move to Alaska. Except for Sarah Palin everybody in Alaska seems very well-adjusted…

Well, I’ll end this e-mail now. I just got a text message from my friend Amy asking if I’d like to watch a movie with her and Sarah. To be honest I don’t really feel like going out but I suppose I’ll make good use of the Opposite to Emotion skill and just do it for the sake of doing it.

See you soon, and thanks for reading.

-Eliza

What a day

Merry Christmas, friends! This is the first Christmas for my blog actually. I wonder how I should document the occasion... I apologize in advance for how disorganized and poorly written this post will be. It's late.

I am so full of food right now I can't even think. I can literally feel the skin on my stomach stretching and stretching to accommodate all the extra cookies and cheesecake and fudge and scallop potatoes and butternut squash and ice cream and creme brullee and oooooooh god I must weight a metric ton.

After dinner we went over to the Homer's house for dessert and I got to see Sarah so that was nice. The whole day was nice actually. I slept a lot. I mean, I'm pretty sick with this nasty cold so I was pretty lethargic and run down.

I got me some lovely prezzies too. Some gift cards to Sephora and Booksmith from my parents, some novels and other books, bracelets from my mom and a really pretty silver necklace from my dad with the letter E on it. Auntie So So gave me fifty dollars and a really pretty blue Keep Calm and Carry On notebook. I might use that for journaling thoughts. I got other stuff too but those are what come to mind at the moment...

I hear we're gonna have a big old snowstorm tomorrow and possibly the next day. How exciting! I haven't gone sledding yet at all this year.

The lack of structure in this post is frustrating

I have a sore throat which is just horrible. I guess this means I'm getting a cold. That sucks because colds last for like a month and I don't want to feel sick for a month. I sort of forget if being sick is makes not bingeing easier or harder... I must go back and look at some old sick posts to find out.

I have watched The Proposal on Netflix instant three times in the last 48 hours. I mean, I usually enjoy romantic comedies just as much as the next girl but this one is just too cute I have to keep watching it again and again.

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, which means my family and I go to the Kramer's house after dinner for our annual gingerbread decorating hootenanny. Shocker- I don't feel like going so I've decided that I need to come up with a plan for how to get out of it. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE THIS TRADITION of celebrating the holiday with family friends (their daughter, Ariel, went to nursery school with me!), but sadly my eating disorder is not so keen on it.... especially since the last time everyone saw me I was almost 40 lbs. skinnier. Yeah yeah nobody cares about my weight more than I do and I shouldn't let body image issues control my life and blah blah blah I know I know. I don't care. I've come up with two possible explanations to give my mother about why I can't go. Ha, neither of them are the truth by the way.

Option 1: Tell her I'm simply not up to it this year, and that I need to have a peaceful and solitary evening to gather myself and my thoughts for all the fun on Saturday.

Option 2: Act really sick and tell her to send my regards and apologies to everyone.

I kind of like Option 2 the best. Faking sick is always a safe bet. I mean, who can argue with the whims and inconsistencies of human health? Also it's not entirely false. I really am getting sick.

I was looking back at my posts from this month and I realized that what I said yesterday about having gotten down to consistently only bingeing once a week is total BULLSHIT. Three weeks ago I had that whole babysitting fiasco where I pretty much ate every pint of ice cream in the state of Massachusetts for like... three days straight. Then I'm sure that since then I've binged at least four times here and there. So I take back everything I said about making progress. I'm still a mess.

I really need to change the name of my blog. I was thinking about it yesterday and my brother joked that instead of 'Working on it' it should be "Almost done with it'.

Another good old fashioned recovery post

I was reading this magazine in Dr. Gordon's office the other day about eating disorders (more specifically the section on binge eating), and it had this long list of criteria to define the behaviors and feelings that go along with it:

-Eating large amounts of food when not physically hungry; bingeing or eating uncontrollably
-Unable to stop eating voluntarily
-Eating rapidly
-Eating until feeling bloated or uncomfortably full
-Eating alone
-Hoarding or stealing food
-Low self-esteem, feelings of worthlessness
-Intense guilt about eating
-Depressed moods, mood fluctuations, impatience, irritability
-Intense feeling of disgust with self
-Loathing or hiding of the body under baggy clothes
-Attributes social and professional successes/failures to weight gain/loss
-Binges occur at least twice week

I was feeling pretty awful and disgusted with myself as I moved down the list, because actually, every single one of these symptoms applies to me except for the last one. Yes, I may not have mentioned it lately but I've gotten my binge episodes pretty consistently down to once a week. I feel I should at least give myself credit there. Remember a couple months ago when I couldn't have just one binge day without it being followed by another and another and another? Maybe in another couple months I'll manage to have only two binges a month or something. That would be a dream come true. That's my Christmas wish actually. Dear Santa, all I want for Christmas is to recover from my binge eating disorder.

Aurhghhhh I want to recover sooooo badly!!! I don't think I've ever wanted to get better more than I do RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE. There is so much I want to do and so much I want to accomplish and so many people I want to meet and so many places I want to go and oh so many things I want to learn but I don't want to do them until I've learned to stop using food to control my feelings. Dr. Gordon would say this is an unreasonable way to look at things though. She would say, "You shouldn't have to put your life on hold just because you aren't exactly where you want to be or because you don't look the way you'd like to look." I suppose she's right. I mean, if everyone waited till things were perfect to get their lives going nobody would ever accomplish anything. If Martin Luther King had said, "I'm gonna wait till people stop being racist before I make my speech," he wouldn't have gotten all his great words out there. I'm not quite sure what my point is... I think I just sound corny and a little stupid. However that is a judgement, and the judgement does not serve any constructive purpose at this juncture so I'm going to let that judgmental thought slide right off of my teflon pan mind.

I think I'll go and journal a little bit. Maybe read an ED book. Those are always fun.

Christmas miracles and stuff

Well I called Tulan this morning and she didn't need me to work at all today so I spent half the afternoon sleeping and the other half cleaning my room. IT LOOKS AMAZING. Dr. Gordon would be so proud. I saw her yesterday and we had a nice little session. She said she wishes she could see me more than once every two weeks, but it's just too expensive!! I feel bad reminding her of that but it's the truth. Anyways, she said I could e-mail her or leave a voicemail message over the holidays just to let her know how things are going and if I'm doing alright. Speaking of the holidays...

4 MORE DAYS TILL CHRISTMAS!!!!

My auntie Sarah is coming, probably on Christmas Eve day. It snowed yesterday! It was just the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. I think I've finished all my holiday shopping... I wouldn't mind getting my dad something else in addition to the book he asked for - biography of Keith Richards. Maybe he'd like another solar radio or something. His last one broke. I feel like my dad is the hardest person to shop for out of everyone in my family. It's because his attention span and memory are really bad so anything you buy he either forgets to use or just loses. I hope somebody gives me a Starbucks gift card. I don't even want to think about how much money I've spent on coffee in the last two months. It's obscene. Georgia really likes the song I'm playing right now. Guinea Pigs can listen to and appreciate music can't they? It's Somewhere Over the Rainbow... the really pretty Israel Kamakawiwo'ole version. She's all chiripy and happy about it. Wow. This paragraph is just all over the place.

I think I'll go running again today... or more like tonight. It's already dark out. Yesterday I had the most amazing running experience. I actually ventured out into the snowy weather and ran for twice the amount of time I did last week. Everyone was like you're crazy running out in the cold like that and I was like are you kidding me it's so much fun! I'm so proud of myself for getting back into exercise and appreciating it for what it is and what it feels like in the moment, instead of simply using it as a weight loss strategy. I've cut myself off from real exercise for so many months because everybody told me it was the only way to kick the addiction and now that I finally have it back I feel like a free man. Woman I mean.

It's been too long

Ohmygosh ohmygosh ohmygosh I haven't been able to post anything in what feels like FOREVER because the internet in my house has been totally screwed up and none of us are able to get online. The only reason I'm able to write this now is because I'm using my dad's little portable wireless USB thingy... Wow it hasn't even been a week and it really does feel like I've been away from my blog for too long! So much has happened! So much to tell!

Nothing too eventful to report actually...

I worked a lot and babysat here and there and my friends Amy and Sarah are home for winter break so we hung out two nights ago and watched holiday movies together- Home Alone and Elf to be exact. It was super fun and I'm glad I got to see them. I can't believe how close it is to Christmas!! Speaking of which, another thing that happened was our Quaker Christmas pageant this morning. I somehow wound up directing it this year, which is fun but nevertheless stressful and a little bit of a pain at the same time. I always feel like everything has to be perfect, all the kids need to remember their lines, the costumes have to be appropriate, blah blah blah. When in reality, we're Quakers, we don't give a shit. We just enjoy the spirit of it all. Anyways, the play went pretty well. Joseph forgot his line to the innkeeper and ended up saying something like, "Please let us in! We didn't get much sleep on the camels." And the orchestra totally missed their cue to start Silent Night but some how everything worked itself out and it all came together.

In terms of ED stuff... I guess things have been okay. I ate a lot of candy the night that Sarah and Amy came over and it was definitely binge-like behavior, but it was a lot smaller than my usual binge episodes are so at least that's something, right? I also went running again. Just once. It was really nice actually. The thing I like about running is that I don't actually associate it all that much with my eating disorder or weight loss. Whenever I was really skinny or restricting I never had the energy or strength to run, so I'd just work out in a gym on an elliptical. But it takes a lot for me to go on an efficient and successful run. I've got to eat something fairly substantial two or three hours before, otherwise I won't be able to go longer than fifteen minutes, I need to feel rested and energized, but most important of all- I have to WANT to run. Running when you don't feel like running is TORTURE. And I don't always feel like running. Some days I just content myself with walking to and from work as my exercise, and other days I really feel like running. So in terms of exercise, I think my attitude is pretty healthy at the moment.

Tomorrow I have Dr. Gordon. I totally fucked up on my goal for this week which was to empty my room of any old ice cream cartons or food wrappers and stuff. She wants me to start a no eating rule in my bedroom because apparently eating alone in my room just reinforces the idea that eating is shameful and secretive. I was like, "Can I still eat breakfast in bed while I blog!? It's like a morning ritual." She said that's okay for now, but I should really try to binge/eat in rooms that are designated food areas. Eventually it should foster more normalized eating habits.

Anywho, I missed you guys! God, how sad is that. It literally hasn't even been a week. Now I'm going to go and catch up on all your posts to see what I've missed :)

>:(

ARgh I'm so angry I could spit. I was stuck working at the stupid ice cream store until 6:30 and I'm supposed to get off at 5:00. I missed group at MEDA and now I have to wait another whole week before the next one. I'm especially pissed at my boss Tulan, who said she wouldn't be back any later than 5:30, and then bada bing bada boom she's an hour late and I've missed group. I hate her. I hate myself too actually- for not being more assertive. I could have called her cell and checked in, you know? I could have been like hey when are you getting back...?

The worst part was that when she finally did get back, she was all apologetic and stuff about being late and I said, "Oh, it's no problem."

Then she said, "Really? I thought you had to be somewhere."

"Yeah but it doesn't start until 7:00 so I'll still be able to get there." LIES! Why couldn't I just have told her that yeah I actually missed a pretty important thing and next time I really do have to leave before six o' clock!? Why am I such a dweebus?

I got really anxious and impatient while I was waiting for her, so I started munching on some cracklin' oat bran. Just FYI- I'm not one of those employees who just sits back and guzzles toppings and chocolate syrup when customers aren't looking. Quite the opposite on most days actually... I don't eat very much at work. But I was super hungry and frustrated so I ate like two and half cups worth of cracklin' oat bran and then stopped because I felt like I was entering binge territory. Now I'm home and I feel less anxious but I'm also skipping dinner to make up for the "binge." I put quotes around binge because two and a half cups of cereal isn't very much. It's not even enough to qualify for a dinner really. But I'm afraid if I let myself have anything else to eat tonight I'll lose control and just go hog wild. Hog wild. Get it? Hogs? Pigs? Das me.

I'm cold

It's totally freezing outside and the little weather box on my laptop says it's going to snow but I'm thinking about going for a run. The reason I haven't decided yet is because.... actually two reasons. The first one being, I haven't felt like running in months so I don't know if this is an unhealthy exercise urge, or if it's a genuine desire to move my legs and let off some steam while rocking out to Freddie Mercury on my iPod. I hope it's the latter! So in order to determine weather or not this is eating disordered, I am going to wait an hour and then if I still feel like running I'll go.

I saw Marci this morning. It was a good session and I had a good week to report (just the one binge episode the night Heather slept over). We went over my meals and snacks and I was surprised when she told me I wasn't eating enough. I was like.... "Uhhhh... have you met me?" I thought my food consumption was rather adequate, at least on the days when I'm not bingeing. Then she reminded me that despite my disgusting rolls and thunder thighs I actually have a history of restriction and anorexia and that's why my idea of portion sizes is so screwed up (by the way I added the part about my rolls and thighs. Marci would never say something like that).

My work schedule is going to be really shifty and erratic for the next month or so... with all the holiday hoopla and going to New Hampshire with the family for New Years. Also things will have to change when I start my next round of BU night classes next semester. I don't like this. I fear change. I like my schedule the way it is- crazy double shifts on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays, with a super long weekend to relax. It works for me.

I have to babysit tonight. Not for the McHorribles thankfully! Maybe I'll blog about how my run went after they go to sleep. If I end up running, that is. Wish me luck :)

Throw some stank on it

I came home this afternoon and found the mail at the bottom of the stairs, and at the bottom of the pile was an envelope from Washington University in St. Louis. A thin one. It wasn't for me obviously. I've already experienced the horror of applying to colleges and I don't think I could go through it again. It was for my brother. Poor guy. For those of you who don't know Jake, he's the type of guy you can't imagine being rejected by anybody. Friends love him, girls want him, my parents worship him, and teachers wish every student could be like him. He's also hilarious and I love him. I once asked him how he manages anxiety and bad thoughts. You know what he said? "I don't have those." I would be jealous and resentful but I accepted long ago that Jake and I are just different people and he got the better chromosomes. Anyways, you can imagine how much my faith was shaken when I saw that envelope with Jake's name on it. I went upstairs to found him watching t.v. on the couch.

I said, "Hey, theoretically, if you got a letter from Wash U would you want to open it right away?"

He goes, "Yeah, why? Did something come?"

"I mean... maybe. Well, yeah. It's small though, buddy. I'm sorry."

And then it was weird. He looked (for the first time since I can really ever remember), vulnerable and a little scared. He didn't say anything, just followed me downstairs, saw the envelope, and cursed under his breath. I tried to make him feel better by reminding him that it's just a deferral and not a rejection, but honestly, the difference is negligible. Either way it's not an acceptance, you know? He looked so crushed and I blurted out, "What are you going to do now?"

"I dunno. Apply to all my second choice schools."

"No I mean what are you going to this minute? Like right now." He shrugged and I was confused. If I were him I'd DO something. I doubt I'd go and binge, because I'd be too depressed to eat. I'd probably cut myself, skip work that night, stop studying, and go to sleep for a loooooong time. Maybe even get drunk. But it has been almost 45 minutes since Jake read the letter and you know what he's done? Nothing. He has been sad. He went on his computer and checked the Wash U website to see if anybody else from his school got in... nobody has. He felt a little bit better for a minute or so when we discovered that... then he felt sad again. Now he is watching videos on YouTube. Is this a joke? Where is the wallowing in self pity? Where is the torment toiling? WHERE ARE ALL THE BEHAVIORS???? I am literally sitting across the room from him, just watching and waiting for him to do something like pull out a gun and shoot himself but so far nothing.

Around the same time he got his letter I got a response e-mail from the registrar, giving me a list of my grades from Freshman and Sophomore year (I've been wondering lately what my GPA is and I finally got around to asking). Here we have it: A-, A, A-, A+, A, B+, A-, A-, A. I was so pleasantly surprised! I don't mind bragging about grades because I'm chubby and grades are all I have.

Poor Jake. I'm going to buy him a burrito.

Also I realize my title makes no sense.

So depressed right now

Well yesterday is over and done with and that's a relief. Heather spent the night and came to Quaker Meeting with us this morning but she left straight from Cambridge to go home afterwards and now I have a couple hours to collect myself before pulling an evening shift at Angora. I don't feel like working tonight.

Anyways, last night put me in a depressed and obsessive mood. HEATHER HAS GOTTEN SO FUCKING THIN. She's even skinnier than the last time I saw her so I not only felt enormous but I looked enormous too. Looking enormous is even worse than feeling enormous because you can feel enormous without being enormous but I AM ENORMOUS. All through dinner and watching Christmas movies I wanted so badly to just ask her what was going on and how she was feeling but we didn't actually get to talking until around 11:30 when we started getting ready for bed. I forget how the weight thing came up... I know I didn't blatantly point out to her that she had lost a ton of weight because months and months of therapy and eating disorder treatment has taught me to NEVER COMMENT ON PEOPLE'S WEIGHT. She mentioned something about having obsessive thoughts and lots of anxiety... not being able to sleep... being too busy to eat regular meals. She said she doesn't feel good and then I said, "Yeah, you've looked healthier. Still pretty though!" And then she was like, "Yeah I know I know I've lost too much weight. My doctor sort of warned me about that." Luckily it doesn't sound too eating disordered. Granted, I'm not a clinician, but I've known Heather for a while and even though she's struggled with feeling fat and going on diets, she does not use or think about food nearly enough to have a problem with it. I do however think she needs help, because the panic and anxiety is keeping her from eating and sleeping.

So we talked for a good long while about our issues. Not to sound like I'm minimizing her plight, but I'd trade problems with her in a second. I'd SO much rather have panic attacks and obsessions that keep me from eating than continue living as I am right now- with gigantic thighs, a pot belly, and a sugar addiction.

I e-mailed the registrar at my school back in New York because I just realized the other day that I have no idea what my college GPA even is. I still haven't heard back from him though.

What a mess

Why do things always have to be out of my control? Why can't I just control everything and everyone and everything that everyone does and everything that everyone will ever do? Is that so much to ask? I'm reliable. I think I could be trusted with absolute power.

Heather is coming over this evening for dinner and possibly the night. Cousin Heather. Remember Heather? She lived here for a year, half of the time I was away at college and the other half I was here sharing my room with her. I love Heather and she's totally the best cousin ever but she is so triggering in like every single way. She's so triggering that she hasn't even gotten here yet and already I've eaten two take home pints of frozen yogurt from Angora. Hey, at least it wasn't ice cream.

Basically I always want to binge around her because she provokes anxiety and bad thoughts that I cannot handle. Last year, when I was anorexic, I was skinnier than she was. Heather has never even come close to being overweight, but she was really depressed by the fact that even though I'm four inches taller than her, I was also ten pounds lighter. Slowly but surely, she started losing weight on that ridiculous paleolithic diet everyone is going nuts about, and I started gaining weight because, well, lets face it- food tastes good and I discovered that bingeing was better at solving my problems than restriction was. Anywho, long story short: She is super skinny now and I am super fat.

Can you guys do that thing where you post encouraging comments and pro-recovery sentiments for me? I could really use it. My parents are really pissing me off as well. My whole family has fallen into this horrible pattern of not putting any effort whatsover into keeping the house clean, so we just let it become a toxic waste pit for a couple weeks and then whenever company comes over we clean and it's really stressful because there is so much cleaning to do... In fact, at this very moment my dad is pestering me in this really passive agressive way to pick up all the clothes and trash that have flooded the upstairs living room.

FUCK YEAH!!!!

I got a 98 on my Psych final!!! That means I'll get an A- overall!!! Which is a huge relief because I knew I was teetering between a B+ and A- average but this test grade totally clinches it!!! I AM SO THE MAN!!!

I asked Jake if he could think of a nicer and more appropriate title for this post that still expresses how happy and proud I am of my awesomeness and he suggested either 'boo-yah!' or 'Ray Allen for 3!' Apparently that last one is what everyone shouts whenever Ray Allen scores a 3 pointer. Whatever that means. I don't care.

I think I'd rather just be doing school full time. I like making money and stuff at my job but I miss being a student so much. I can't wait till next fall when I go back to New York! I've decided to take two evening classes at BU next semester, so that once I go back to my regular college workload next year, it won't seem as overwhelming. So in January I'll be starting Health Psychology and Statistics (math, gross, I know), and then once I go back to real school I can start my year long pre-health courses like Bio and Chem. Yeah, that's right bitches. I have a plan.

Now all I gotta do is recover from an eating disorder and I'll be good to go.

This never happened

I should not be blogging at work I should not be doing this but aaaah oh my god I'm so bored and I need to talk about stuff. The other day Tulan said we were having issues with the work computer and said it might be because of employees going on the internet. Even though I shouldn't really be doing personal stuff during working hours I highly doubt that going online is the cause of our system issues. Tulan is on the internet ALL THE FREAKING TIME checking her facebook and e-mail or whatever. I think she's just trying to be scary. It's kind of working though so I should really get off soon.

Good meeting with Marci yesterday. We did a behavior chain of one of my binge episodes from over the weekend and that helped a lot. Do you guys know what a behavior chain is? THEY ARE GENIUS. Basically, you write a step by step account of everything you did, thought, and felt leading up to behavior. And I mean everything. Here's one of mine: Woke up and thought about sleeping some more so I slept. Woke up an hour later and had breakfast on the floor of my room while checking e-mail and such. Studied for an hour and a half then watched tv. Felt hungry but ignored it. At 10:30 I was still hungry so I decided to have a snack but I hadn't planned what to eat. Went downstairs and picked up a box of Triscuits. Started eating Triscuits out of the box and thought that it was weird that I was doing that. It felt binge-like. I stopped and told myself it was too big of a snack so I could just consider it an early lunch. Went back upstairs and got a phone call from Mrs. McHorrible about babysitting. She mentioned something about making sure her daughters ate the light ice cream for dessert because she didn't want them to gain "holiday weight." This comment made me feel depressed beyond belief and I couldn't stop thinking about it. In order to get the thought out of my head I went downstairs again and all out binged.

After you write out the sequence of events you go back and find the spots where you could have altered your thinking or made a different choice. For instance, after talking to Mrs. McHorrible I could have chosen to tell myself that just because she has an unhealthy expectation of her little girls does not mean I have to let it effect my behavior. Even if thinking about her comment is bothersome, I have sat through painful moments before and I can do it again.

Behaviors chains are awesome. Do one. Do one now.

Tonight I have my support group at MEDA. That's always a hoot. Anyway, I think I'll have lunch now. First I have to make sure I delete all my internet activity from the computer history though. Until last night I never actually knew you could delete your internet history, but my brother said you can make it so nothing ever gets saved and no one will ever be able to see what sites you've been on. He does that on his lap top actually... probably to cover his tracks after watching porn. Ew.

Crawling out of the pit

Today has been average/decent. I woke up at noon, which isn't surprising since I had an ice cream hangover from yesterday and I went to bed late. But I was able to study for a couple of hours for my final this evening, and then I had breakfast at 3:00. I'm thinking that if I feel like I do a good job tonight I might treat myself to a celebratory burrito when it's over. Not another excuse to binge, I swear! I just really enjoy Mexican food.

Today will be day one back on the Prozac. Next few weeks will most likely be riddled with ED urges and obsessive thoughts as the chemicals in my brain attempt to readjust, but thankfully the work week is starting so that should provide some structure and stability to my day. I'm also seeing Marci tomorrow but I don't really know what to talk about. Maybe I'm just feeling apathetic? I dunno. It'll go a little something like this: I'll tell her that I had a bunch of binge days and now I'm feeling like sea scum. She'll write it down and ask why this week was difficult. I'll tell her I went off my medication a couple weeks ago and that the behaviors are merely an exhibition of that mistake. She'll ask why and under what circumstances I binged and I'll tell her about babysitting for the bad people. She'll ask if I kept track of my meals on the handout she gave me. I'll say whoops no because why would I want documentation of myself eating everything in sight. She'll ask what I want to work on this week, and how she can help me and I'll say I don't know why bother anymore because nothing I try ever works. She'll suggest I talk to my therapist about reframing those thoughts. I'll tell her I want to do is lose weight. She'll say that she won't help me lose weight until I stop bingeing and stop thinking of eating and nutrition as some sort of means to an end. I'll come up with some really stingey meal plan for her to approve for me but she'll just say it doesn't have enough grains or fat or whatever. Then I'll mope and get all angry about why it's so hard for me be normal and she'll say I don't know.

I'm sad that it's my last night of class. Studying has been such a help when I need to feel better about myself or get my mind off of things.

Are you there God it's me, Failure

It's times like these when I wish I knew how to call upon the lord to give me something in the way of spiritual guidance. Whenever times get tough and I don't know what skills to use or what meal plan to follow or who to talk to I often wonder if I should put my faith in... well, faith I guess. The problem is, despite being raised (albeit rather liberally) in the Quaker tradition, I've always subscribed to the idea that life is what WE make of it and that giving some all-powerful entity the credit for the ups and downs of life is just not in keeping with the natural world. But I'm really struggling right now and it is ever so tempting to pray. Tomorrow I have to go to meeting for worship anyway to talk to the kids about the Christmas pageant... I suppose it wouldn't hurt to take just a little bit of of time to ask for some help from the divine. I'll feel like a hypocrite though. Or like the popular girl's best friend who stops being friends with her once she finds out the popular girl is pregnant and no longer popular. Does that make sense? It makes sense in my head.

Anyways, in case you didn't pick up on the overall tone of this post so far, I'm on my second binge day and I feel like shit. I'm currently doing my overnight babysitting stint for the McHorrible family but the kids have been asleep for a couple hours and I haven't really been able to do the same. I sort of feel like it's because I haven't been taking my meds very consistently for the past couple of weeks. I didn't go off of them intentionally. I think it's just that sometimes, after a good long chunk of time with no behaviors, I start "forgetting" that I need medication and then I just stop taking them. Now I feel rotten in every single way imaginable. Which brings me back to God. Can God help me? If there is a God surely he/she/it would give me some relief from this torture.

Doesn't God play a pretty big role in the Alcoholics Anonymous steps? Why is that? Why can't eating disorders have a twelve step program? Answer me that, please.

Oh well

Binged after all. Fuck. I'm sorry. I feel bad, especially after my last post which was all like look at me and what a good job I'm doing. I probably shouldn't make this too long of a post since I'm babysitting as we speak. It's Friday so I let the kids watch some television. They deserve it. I also gave them cookies. They deserve those too.

Buuuughhhh

Almost binged but stopped after the 7th saltine with peanut butter. Ugh, for so many reasons I feel like bingeing today. First of all, I weighed myself, and it was not pretty. I gained four pounds over Thanksgiving weekend (half of which I'm sure is just water because I'm totally about to get my period... but still). Whenever I see a number that I'm not satisfied with I immediately feel like bingeing because I start thinking, why should I even bother? Also, today and tomorrow I am babysitting for the worst family in the world so that sucks major balls as well. The mother of the kids is a nightmare. She micromanages everything, doesn't pay me enough, and definitely doesn't know how to handle her three very high-maintenance children. Plus she is triggering beyond all belief. Her son, Liam, needs to gain weight so she buys really high fat ice creams and yogurts for him to eat, but she doesn't want her little daughters to gain weight, so they can only have fruit and cottage cheese for after school snacks. Also, she always comments on my weight. At least, she comments on it when I'm thin. That's why it sucks. When I was anorexic last year she was all like, "Oh my gosh you look amazing but your mother must be worried about you!" And when I'm heavy she doesn't say anything at all so you can totally tell she's wondering what the hell happened to me. I hate her. I hate her more than words can even begin to express.

So I've got that babysitting job from 2:30 to 7:30 this afternoon... and then tomorrow I'm going back for round two. Actually, tomorrow I'm spending the night at their house because the parents are going away. That should be an adventure.

Anyways. Proud of myself for not following through on the binge though! The more I learn from Dr. Gordon, my Psych class, support group, and overall experience with an eating disorder, then more I come to appreciate that the more times you are able to come up with something to do besides binge, the easier not bingeing will become.

I heart MEDA

I love my support group. I'm so glad I started going back because it makes me feel so much less alone in the world. Tonight it was just two other women and me. I was about to say two other girls but they seem like women actually. I'm a woman too, you know. Anyways, tonight I met Lauren. She hasn't been to a group since July, and she talked a lot about how she was anxious about coming back because she'd gained so much weight and she was worried what people would think. She said, "I can't help it but whenever I see someone, even one of my parents, I can't help but constantly imagine how fat they must think I am." Awww. It felt so good to know I'm not the only one who does that. Sometimes, when people are talking to me, I don't even hear what they're saying because in my own head I have this ongoing chatter of what they must be really thinking of me. Isn't that scary? It's horrifying but now I know I'm not crazy... or at least, not the only one who is crazy.

I also came to a startling realization tonight and I was glad I was with other people when I found it out, because I almost had a panic attack. We were talking about what it would be like to live a life without an eating disorder and I realized that even if I stop using behaviors, I will never be a truly well adjusted person because I have so many other maladaptive coping strategies that are just as bad if not WORSE than bingeing and restricting. Here's one- isolation. I have lost such a big chunk of my young adult life to isolation. Not going to my junior semi, refusing prom invitations from guys in High School, not going to Michigan last summer, not calling people back when they want to get in touch or hang out with me, not auditioning for plays or choirs, and SO MUCH MORE. Another one is the baggy clothing. For those of you who don't know me personally or see me everyday you can't really know this but I don't wear nice clothes. I would love to though! I have 27 pairs of beautiful shoes in my closet that I bought years ago but have never worn because I can't find the right outfit to go with them because I'm just so fat. I have drawers full of cardigans and skinny jeans but they won't be coming out any time soon. Wearing my brother's shirts and my dad's old jeans cover the chubbiness enough so that I feel safe but at the same time, I look like someone who lives under a bridge.

I said to everyone, "There is just no way I can even begin to start letting go of all this shit when I didn't even know it was a problem until right now." And then one of the group leaders was like, "Well being mindful of what you're doing and how you're doing it is the first place to start... and it seems like you just did that."