Oh, the work week

Today is Tuesday and that means I gotta pull myself out of holiday weekend mode. Aunt Sarah left on Sunday and that made me sad so I really wanted to binge yesterday and the day before. I didn't though. Behaviors tend to throw me off my game and I can't afford to get sloppy this week. Which reminds me- did I mention I got promoted at Angora!!? I am now employee supervisor. I'm getting paid more too... just not sure how much yet. I hope the other girls won't hate me now. They have been working here longer than I have and some of them even trained me when I first started. Hmmm... maybe I just won't tell them.

In addition to my new work duties, I also have my psychology final next Monday. AAAaaaaaaahhhh! Luckily, the exam is not cumulative so I only have to review the chapters on personality and psychological disorders. My brother was like, "And you probably don't even need to study that last one." Harhar. So I'll need to set aside some time every day to study. Studying is fun. It's like curling up in a warm blanket of knowledge and intrigue. Except when you don't feel like studying. Then it's just a bummer.

ALSO, for some reason, I let my mother and the other members of the First Day School Committee pressure me into directing the Christmas Pageant this year. I guess I don't mind. I mean, I love Christmas. It means everything to me and anything I can do to bring myself closer to the spirit of the holiday is great, but it also adds anxiety to my already panic riddled mind and I don't like stress.

Today I'm working a double shift. I forgot to bring money with me for dinner so I'm really hoping I make enough in the tip jar by then so I can go out and get a salad or something.

Thankful :)

Well yesterday was fun. Thanksgiving is always a hoot. I made three dishes. I made little butternut squash slices with brown sugar and butter and thyme on top, then I made green beans with caramelized butter and pine nuts, and an apple pie with a crumb topping. I ended up getting really nervous and scared that I would binge so I unwittingly started drinking waaaaaaaaaaay too much champagne. It was horrible. I started talking way too much about everything, I cried a couple times, told my Dad and Jake how much I loved them and how much I needed them to know that even thought I don't say it all the time I needed them to know that they mean everything to me. Then I told my sister that she is beautiful in every single way and she should never change or let anyone tell her she isn't good enough. Then I told my mom that I had a crush on Bob. Whoops. My aunt Sarah (the one from NY) came for Thanksgiving too and she was really nice about the whole thing and said nobody is going to hold anything against me just because I got carried away with the holiday. I had the most wonderful moment with my dad though. I've always got along with my dad, but neither of us is very affectionate. He's shy and I don't like hugging people or expressing too much gooey love stuff. Somehow though, being really sloshed last night brought out my true feelings. I cuddled up next to him on the couch as he was reading a book after dinner and then I started crying onto his shoulder.

Me: "I'm so sorry, Dad. I just need you to know. I hope you know that right?"

Dad: "Know what? That you're sorry? What are you sorry for?"

Me: "No. I love you. I want you to know that I love you. I'm sorry for not telling you that I love you! I promise to fix everything and always be a good daughter and get good grades so you can be proud and know that I'm working hard. And I'm so sorry for embarrassing everyone tonight. I should just leave. I'm sorry I ever came home."

And then he said he loved me too and I didn't embarrass anybody and the LAST thing he wanted was for me to leave or go away because he loves me too!! Can you believe it! MY DAD LOVES ME!!! I guess I always knew this but he never says it.

Anyways, today I hit the mall with Rachel bright and early so that we could make good on the Black Friday sales!! Now that her ears are pierced all she is really wanting for Christmas is earrings. I'm still working on my wish list.

Desr blog,

I would like to wish everyone a happy thanksgibble gobble becaue noboy noe s ehat its like to b me. Also, I'm drunk. So ill eraase this in the morning. I just loe youe all. Fot so many reason but ainly mbecause none of you deserve to have eating disorders. Ed is a bitch. Ed wants terrible things and nothing but the worst fro yiur o just dump him now and stop being a slave to the horroble eatig disodwer. I decided to get super drunk so that i wouldn't eat too much food but in the end I ended up drinking too much and now I feel like shitty shitterson. I told everyon the truth abpit everyhing and I love you gius so please don;t keep on doing this horrible bingeing and resitricing and puring ing and ,making oyurself throw up because thats' horrible and you deserve so much better.

I ove you guys and tomoorwo it's noevemrer 26th. I love my guinea pig georga. she so cute.

My face is really red right now

Tomorrow Tulan comes back from her one week vacation which means carefree happy fun time at work is over :( Don't get me wrong- I love my boss. She's taught me a lot about what it takes to run a store and she's totally committed to her job. But when I work with her I feel like I can never be myself. I'm always in cleaning or servant mode. I never get a chance to sit down, I can't joke around as much with the customers, I can't go on the computer because she's always doing something on it, I can't sing along to the snappy tunes on the store playlist, I can't adjust the heating system to my favorite temperature (71 degrees), and oh so much more. I'm staying optimistic though. I think she's going to start trusting me alone in the store more often.

My shift last night was so much fun. I was working with Dilan, the Turkish girl who's here in Boston taking English classes, and I pretty much adore her. She's a musician, and last night she overheard me singing while I was cleaning the employee bathroom and she was like, "Woah, how long have you been singing?" Ummm... I don't sing. At least not much. I took piano when I was in High School and there was a little bit of voice involved but other than that nothing. I was so flattered that she was impressed with my voice! So during the slow parts of the evening when there were no customers I would belt out Lady Gaga and Dilan would come in with stellar harmonies. It was like a scene out of a movie.

Today was just weird. I spent a lot of time studying because my psych final is next week and I want to get an A, and in an effort to maximize my studying capabilities I took a Ritalin. That was not wise. Ritalin is awesome at first because I can get so much done in a very short amount of time without feeling overwhelmed, but then shit starts to hit the fan. My palms get sweaty and I start getting really anxious- jumping at every little sound, you know? Plus it fucks with appetite in like the least fun way. I can't eat anything without feeling like my stomach is going to squeeze together and throw it all up.

I also took my sister to get her ears pierced today. She was so scared and almost passed out. It was cute. I got my ears pierced too. Second piercings above the original ones. So that was fun and it helped me take my mind off of how sick I felt from the Ritalin. Ugh, never again will I take Ritalin unless it is absolutely necessary. You know it's made out of about 85% of the same stuff cocaine is made out of? No joke.

Look! I wrote the book on crazy!

Reading the chapter on personality in my psych textbook. It's pretty interesting I think. I actually prefer the chapters about anatomy of the brain and eyeball but learning about people is useful too I suppose. Presently I am making notecards of the eight Psychoanalytic Ego Defense Mechanisms. Defense mechanisms, if you want the definition are "the unconscious mental operations that deny or distort reality in order to reduce anxiety levels." It's hilarious actually- I use just about every single DM discussed in this chapter. Want me to prove it?

Repression- When I was fourteen there was this kid who sat next to me in my computer class and he'd touch himself and ask me to narrate dirty scenarios for him to imagine while he did so. I have repressed this memory because it was horrifying and the only reason I remember it is because my mom reminds me about it every so often. She thinks it's why I don't have a boyfriend.

Denial- I refuse to believe that I use this defense mechanism :)

Displacement- I actually don't really use this one... displacement is when a dangerous or unacceptable impulse is repressed, and then directed at a safer substitute target. Kind of like bullies. A lot of bullies bully other innocent people because they themselves are being bullied at home. I guess maybe I take stuff out on Rachel once in a while... but if I feel like I'm experiencing "dangerous" or "unacceptable impulses" I usually just try to be alone.

Intellectualization- I use this one ALL THE FUCKING TIME. Like after a period of not being on my meds and getting really depressed and obsessive compulsive, I tend to focus on what is happening in my brain chemistry as opposed to what I'm actually feeling. No prozac means I don't receive my selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor, and since serotonin affects mood, sleep, and eating patterns I will most likely be thrown off accordingly.

Projection- Similar to displacement, I don't really use it. It's when an impulse is repressed and then attributed or projected on to other people.

Rationalization- Another one I use all the time. Like, if I restrict at work I tell myself it's not technically restriction because I'm at work and literally don't have the time to eat. Lots of people don't have time to eat so it's okay for me to skip an exchange or two.... right?

Reaction Formation: This is a scary one. An anxiety-arousing behavior is repressed, and its energy finds release in an exaggerated expression of the opposite behavior. Like, a mother who harbors feelings of resentment toward her child represses them and become overprotective of the child. Weird right? I can't think of anything I do like this.

Sublimation: A repressed impulse is released in the form of a socially acceptable or even admired behavior. Hmm... I guess sometimes I sublimate my anxiety or self-loathing through cleaning or studying.

I love defense mechanisms. They're so fun!

Bite me, world

My eating disorder has been such an asshole to me today. And I haven't even done anything wrong or engaged in any behaviors! From the moment I woke up I felt like a piece of rotten poop on a stick- too fat, too ugly, college drop-out, no friends, no future, roar roar roar.

I just finished dinner. Made another amazing squash dish with fontina cheese and bread crumbs for the family, and then as a special treat I brought home some frozen yogurt and ice cream from Angora so everyone could have a yummy dessert. I just love feeding people! Anyways, I had like three helpings of dinner food, and then a banana frozen yogurt. Because it wasn't a binge and it wasn't exactly a small meal either, I feel really awful. You know that feeling? I didn't binge so I don't have that lovely high you get from bingeing but at the same time I didn't restrict so I feel guilty for feeling full. I HATE THIS! Please help me you guys. Please tell me everything is going to be okay and I won't be tortured forever. I mean, it's one thing to use behaviors and feel awful about giving into the urges but I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING WRONG. Why won't these horrible feelings leave me alone?

I guess I'm also a little upset because I was reading this article today that said there's a 50% chance that a female child will develop an eating disorder after puberty if the parent had an eating disorder once too. What the fuck? I realize I'm not thinking about kids yet obviously but it's pretty depressing to think I might sentence another human being to a life of THIS.

I really wish I could purge.

That's not true. I'm sorry I said that. Purging is a devastating addiction and I know on some level I must be thankful that I can't do it. I'm just feeling so self-destructive right now.

What I accomplished today

Trying to be best friends with your eleven year old sister is about as productive as trying to be friends with a dog. At first it's super fun- You're running around throwing balled up socks at each other, watching Glee together, eating baked kale with a little bit of salt and then all of a sudden you remember your sister is just a dog and you can't actually have meaningful conversations or interactions. Anyway, for the past week or so she's been sleeping in my room with me. However, I think that ended about fifteen minutes ago. Here's how it went:

Rachel: "Can we listen to Defying Gravity? Not the Broadway one. The Glee one?"

Me: "Hmmm... it's time to start winding down for the night I think. For falling asleep music I have Frank Sinatra and Regina Spektor."

Rachel: "Okay well If I hear one more oldies song I'm going to sleep downstairs."

Then I played the theme from Breakfast at Tiffany's and she left.

The good thing about Rachel is that she can't really hold a grudge for longer than five minutes. We'll be doing Easy Bake Oven and manicures again tomorrow night I'm sure.

I FINALLY got myself to go back to the MEDA support group on Wednesday evenings. It was nice. I forgot how good it feels to just lay all your shit out on the table and still have people love you for it. All (three) of us in group seem to be going pretty strong without using behaviors at the moment, but it's still hard- especially with the holidays coming... food and family? How much more triggering can you get? Anyways, I picked up a bunch of handouts about how to cope with stressful situations regarding Thanksgiving next week. I'll put some of the better ones in my post tomorrow so you guys can take a look and see if they might work for you. Thanksgiving!!! I love gobble gobble!!! Every year I make my own pie crusts from scratch.

La di da blogging at work

Tulan has left me alone at the store for a couple of hours this evening so that she can go the emergency room. Her chest has been hurting. Not that achy tired feeling, but like deep sharp chest pains. It was actually I who told her she should see a doctor. I mean, it's probably nothing, but on the off chance that it's something, I'd hate to think it just went ignored. Also, I love having the store to myself because I don't have to try as hard to look like I'm working! So right now I am legit sitting on the stool in front of the cash register, tapping away on the store's computer.

I'll be pulling a night shift tonight. Maybe someone will pick me up at 10:30. If not I don't mind walking, but my dad gets uneasy when I walk home that late. He's like, "It's really not as safe as you think, especially along route 9 by the woods."

I said, "What do you mean? I haven't seen a coyote around here in months."

He just blinked at me and shook his head. "Eliza, read the newspaper every once in a while."

OH OH OH! I saw Marci the nutritionist this morning! For the first time since the summer! I forgot how awesome she is. It's funny, she's really sweet and super knowledgeable when it comes to nutrition and the inner workings of an eating disordered mind, but you can totally tell that outside of that, she's a total space cadet. Like, okay- she asked what I'm into these days and I told her science in general but my latest craze is primates. I miss my biological anthropology class :( Marci goes, "What are primates again? Like Bigfoot?" I sort of paused before responding because I thought maybe she was kidding but she wasn't.

Anyways, I updated her on my current situation: Working part time at Angora Ice, Monday night class at BU, new therapist named Dr. Gordon, not going back to college in NY until next fall... a lot has changed since the summer. I also told her about how I'm totally done with bingeing and restricting. Behaviors no more!!! I asked about how much I should be eating because even though I'm trying to eat intuitively, I'm not sure whether it's too much or not enough... so she gave me a bunch of charts to fill out my exchanges and levels of hunger before and after eating etc. I'm curious to find out if what I'm eating is in fact a normal, healthy amount.

I should get back to work. Pretty sure this is technically time theft :/

Just call me Grumpus

Today was just okay. You know those days where nothing special really happens, and at the same time it's not like anything is stressing you out, but somehow despite all the dullness you still feel depressed? Well that's what today was like. I saw Dr. Gordon and told her about it. I told her about how even though the past two weeks have been really successful for me in terms of school and recovery and work, I was in a sucky mood today and I couldn't figure out why.

She was like, "Do you remember when your mood seemed to drop so suddenly?"

"Yeah. Like an hour ago. Right before I came here I guess..." Then we discovered that I in fact have a pattern of getting really down right before doing anything related to therapy or treatment. Most likely because I have anxieties about delving into deep and scary issues. "It doesn't seem fair." I said. "I do all this hard work only to feel shitty. From now on I'm just going to stop trying (Note: When I say things like 'I give up' or 'I'm done trying' I don't usually mean it. I suppose I just enjoy the attention it grabs)." She recommended that I use the teflon pan skill when unwanted thoughts and feelings come up. What is the teflon pan skill you ask? Well here's a little free DBT for those of you who, like me, feel bullied by their emotions: Intrusive thoughts are just thoughts, and once they're gone, they don't necessarily have to leave any evidence or trail. Teflon pans get super sticky and gross when you cook with them, but all you gotsta do is wipe it off with a sponge and it's sleek and shiny again. Bad thoughts or urges work the same way. They are okay to have, but they don't need to become anything other than soggy food that sits there for bit, and ultimately gets washed away.

So seeing Dr. Gordon helped some. Hopefully her words of wisdom will be enough to keep me going for another two weeks. I still think it's unfair that I can't have weekly therapy anymore :(

Speaking of people who need therapy, Rachel has apparently moved into my room. While mom and dad were away for the weekend I let her sleep up here for a few nights just so she wouldn't have to be alone, but then last night I found her carting a box of crap upstairs to my room. She had set up a mattress in the corner, arranged picture frames and stuffed animals next to it, and even brought up a little shower caddy complete with shampoo and conditioner. Yeah, maybe I'll let this continue for the rest of the week, but after that she's getting the boot.

Drowsy and confused

Alright, this is officially ridiculous. Where are these kids' parents? I've been babysitting for Rosalind and River since five o' clock this afternoon and it is now almost midnight. I don't mind the length of time per se, I just wish people would let me know how long they are planning on leaving me alone with their children.

Today felt rocky, in regards to the eating disorder. No major behaviors, just a lot of menstrual pain and hunger that made me want to devour everything in sight. After I gave the kids dinner, I wound up eating like six tubes of go-gurt (only 70 calories each but still), and then I had a medium amount of milk chocolate. That was over an hour ago and now I'm hungry again so... was it a binge? I dunno. Regardless of what it was, it happened, and now it's time to move on.

I'm disheartened because I didn't do as well on my psych test as I wanted to. I got a B+, which is fine and dandy when you don't know what you're going to get but I studied every day for that motherfucker and I deserve better than an 88.

I'm so sleepy right now. And also starting to wonder if I should be worried that they aren't home yet.

* (Time lapse of about twenty minutes)

Home now. Made a hundred dollars in one night so can't complain too much about how late they were.

One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind

Brace yourselves friends, because for the first time since... ever, I have some semblance of a plan for the future.

The plan was not made hastily or within the past couple of hours as most of my plans usually are. Rather, I like to think that everything I've learned and everything I've experienced has lead me to this path. I'll just cut to the chase now. I was talking with Dr. Gordon a couple weeks ago about how I had no idea what I wanted to focus on in school or what I wanted to be when I grow up, and she gave me the best advice anyone could have given me: Do what interests and excites you RIGHT NOW. Don't worry about a career just yet, because who knows what will happen. So I thought about my interests. I've got lots of them. I'm interested in animals, food and cooking, the French language, human evolution, theater, astronomy, music, genetics, writing, Jane Austen novels, medicine... tons more but those are the ones I can think of off the top of my head. So after much deliberation and back and forth e-mailing with the pre-health advisor back at school, I've decided to start taking the prerequisite courses for a career in health care. I don't know for certain if medical school is even where I'll end up going after college, I just want to take the classes themselves. Who knows, I could discover a hidden passion for electromagnetism in my Physics class next year or perhaps I'll have a gift for balancing chemical equations (doubtful though... chemistry is the work of the devil). The point is, I'm focusing on the right now and the near future, not the distant future.

What sort of bearing will this have on my leave of absence from school? It's pretty simple actually... the big four prerequisites I need to take must be year long, and since I can't start a year long course in the middle of the year, I have to wait until next fall to take them. So I guess that is when I'm going back to school. In the meantime, I'm going to continue with little one semester courses back home here in Boston. I'll keep taking pysch, maybe some math (ew), possibly another anthropology class.

I like my plan. It's very open to possibilities. But wow, another WHOLE YEAR before I can physically return to New York? I guess it'll be good for me... I could take advantage of the time to really focus on eradicating the eating disorder. Speaking of which, still no binge or restriction episodes since my newfound health kick. And I haven't had many urges to binge because I'm not going hungry. Who knew that healthy eating was the solution to poor eating habits... although Thanksgibbers is in two weeks from yesterday and isn't that like national binge day? Oh god. I'm scared for my life.

I'm insane so just bear with me

So here is an e-mail that Bob sent me about eight hours ago. I wanted to post it so I could get some advice:

I can’t believe I forgot to pay you….that is unacceptable you should be calling me to complain :)

I’ll drop off an envelope at your house tomorrow. So so sorry.

Yeah, I babysat for Helen and Brian almost two weeks ago and he still hasn't paid me. I guess I really don't care all that much seeing as I wish he was my husband. And okay, am I absolutely nuts or was there something in this message to suggest that MAYBE he might like me too?? Am I totally reaching here? Hmmm... this calls for deeper analysis.

First of all, it's informal. He doesn't even write "Hi Eliza" or "Eliza-" to start off the e-mail, which suggests that we have enough ongoing communication to leave out the inconsequential names.

Second of all, he appears to be using humor in the line about me calling to complain... and the presence of a smiley face suggests lightheartedness...

Third of all, he uses TWO sorry's in his apology at the end. Perhaps he is worried that one sorry would not be enough to merit my forgiveness, so he uses two sorry's to ensure that he is in my good graces.

Thoughts? I know I'm a psycho but I need to know if there's anything there...

Anyways, I just replied. Here is what I wrote:

Don't worry about it. We can go halvsies on the blame because I'm terrible at reminding people who owe me money!!

And then I too used a smiley face. Only my smiley face was animated and laughing. I don't care if my reply is corny or overly friendly. Is it though? No forget it. I don't care. I mean I do care, but the important thing is to be yourself.

Screw this I'm going to bed. This has been possibly the most worthless and pathetic post I have ever written.

CRAMPS

I want more than anything to write a coherent post right now, but it feels like little gremlins are tunneling through my uterus as we speak.

So I missed another MEDA support group this evening. I feel awful actually... it's just that by the time I got home from work all I wanted to do was watch last night's episode of glee with my sister and scarf down a nice big bowl of coleslaw. Plus I have lady pains in my lower abdomen! I know that if I really wanted to go to group I would find the energy and motivation to go. Sometimes I'm reluctant because every time I go I get triggered and depressed and fat. You heard me. Going to group makes me fatter. And, since I've been doing so well on my new recovery kick I don't want to risk catching urges or behaviors from the other girls. I know that sounds terrible it is pretty selfish and I'm sorry. I enjoy the listening part and the helping people part, but it's the afterward part that's just no fun at all- when I'm left with all the stories and sadness of what I've heard. Maybe next week I'll be mentally stronger.

My parents are going away tomorrow with Jake to look at colleges in Maine. Ha, that brings back memories. I HATED looking at schools. Guess it was my reluctance to leave home and become an adult that made the whole idea of going to college so unappealing. Look how much I've grown since then.

You got the sarcasm, right? Anyways, they won't be back until Sunday or something like that, which means I've gotsta watch little sis while everyone is away. Not a problem. I look forward to many long discussions we'll have about the latest Disney channel movie.

Evening snack for tonight: A cheese stick and Motrin

Tummy and test troubles

It is rainy and glum outside- perfect test taking weather. I can't wait to take my test, not because I'm good at taking tests or because I enjoy taking tests but because I think I'm going to do super well. I guess there are pros and cons to taking BU night classes. I mean, for one thing, they're not for actual BU college students so they only meet once or twice a week, and in the evenings. Also, there's no homework or paper writing, just tests. I don't quite know whether to count this as a pro or not. Sometimes tests destroy me, other times they are a blessing, because all you have to do is study! No research, no drafting, just good old fashion notecards and diagrams. However, there is a lot of pressure to do well on the tests because there are only about three tests a semester, and those three tests are THE ONLY THING that counts towards your final grade. This test I'm about to take tonight will the second of the three. I didn't do so hot on the last one because I didn't want to study very much. Hmm. Must have been a binge weekend. Also, since the professor said she'll drop the lowest of the three test scores, I figured I could get away with one stinker. So that leaves me with just two. I've crunched the numbers, and according to my calculations, in order to get an A or an A- at the end I can't get less than an 85 on the test tonight. I just don't know what I'll do if I don't do well. What if I studied all the wrong shit?

On top of all this, I've had a knot in my stomach since this morning. I don't think it's related to test anxiety... maybe it's a peptic ulcer. I deserve a peptic ulcer :( Luckily, the tummy problem has not interfered with my meal or snack consumption and I've been able to eat healthily and normally all day. I think we're on Day 5 or Day 6 of the new and improved lifestyle? Wow! Almost a week. ohmygosh in a few days I will have gone exactly ONE WEEK with absolutely no behaviors whatsoever!!! That includes restricting!

Dooooooooooooooooooom

Oh god. In a fit of overzealous self-confidence last night I committed to turning over yet ANOTHER new leaf in my life- healthier sleep habits. I was sitting at dinner last night with the family eating spaghetti (major trigger food but I ate a very portioned amount, go me!), when I brought up the topic of my mild insomnia and how I thought it was due to my sleeping in too late in the mornings (my shifts at Angora don't start till noon so I gots me lots o time to snooze). Then it turned into a whole entire conversation about all the things that are wrong with me. Not very much fun. My parents were all like, "Yeah yeah we've been meaning to bring that up with you. You really need to get back on track, Eliza."

Me: "Ummmm... okay, well that's why I brought it up. I was hoping you guys would support my recovery."

Rachel: "Can you be addicted to sleep?"

Me: "I'm not addicted to sleep, I'm just thrown off by work and studying."

Dad: "Are you sure it doesn't have anything to do with the fact that you stay up till 2 a.m. watching Dungeons and Dragons?"

Me: "It's called Robin Hood. And watching that show is my reward for all the hard work I do."

Mom: "Hard work?"

Jake: "Oh you mean studying for your ONE class and working three days a week at an ice cream store that gets no business because it's almost winter?"

I felt greatly disrespected and under-appreciated. Although I think they were just teasing me. I hope so. If not then I'm going to hold open auditions for new family members.

Anyways, as I was beginning to complain about, today is the first day of my new sleep schedule. My dad woke me up at nine, I sleepwalked downstairs, hooked an IV of coffee into my arm, and then promptly fell asleep over the Sunday crossword. I'm too tired! I definitely wasn't born with the early bird gene.

How I've been spending my weekend

Day 3 of operation healthy eating with no behaviors is well underway. Last night I made an amazing dinner for the family- butternut squash gratin with onions and sage. It was so sweet and delicious and everybody but my brother liked it so I consider the meal a success.

I predict the hardest parts of this new regime are going to present themselves two-fold:

1) Having to eat even when I don't feel physically hungry.
2) Not being able to see rapid weight loss overnight.

The first is going to be the biggest problem for me I think, because despite the fact that I do binge fairly often, the days in between binges are very restrictive. I forget what it feels like to feel satiated and satisfied, you know? Because I'm either rumbling with hunger, or bursting at the seams. I can't stress enough to myself how important it is to stop restricting. Why? BECAUSE IT IS THE BIGGEST AND POSSIBLY ONLY REASON WHY I BINGE IN THE FIRST PLACE. No restriction = no hunger = no binge urges = no bingeing = less shame and self-loathing = better quality of life.

The second part, not being able to lose weight quickly, will be equally frustrating, but I'm not going to weigh myself so I hope it won't be a huge problem.

I'm totally serious about this you guys. I know you're probably all rolling your eyes because nobody just "decides" one day to stop using behaviors. But I swear it's different this time.

I'm feeling sleepy right now; definitely in need a little afternoon nap time, but I've been having the worst trouble falling asleep for the past few nights and I know it's because of my crazy sleep patterns... all those night shifts at Angora throw me off I think. Instead of sleeping, I'm going to study. I really only have to bury my nose in the books for the rest of today, all of tomorrow and then most of Monday. Monday night I have my test. I've been studying so hard, I better do well. If I get anything less than a 90 I will tear off my own head and throw it at someone.

Today was a good day

It's late, almost midnight and I should go to beddie but I'm not tired yet.

Today Tulan gave me the nicest compliment. After we closed the store and finished cleaning up, she said, "You are doing really great now."

I was like, "What?! Really?!"

"Yes, I just cashed out and there was no money missing from the register. Not even a penny. I feel like I can leave you alone in the store now."

WOw, I would LOVE that. Not just because it shows that I'm reliable and awesome but also because if Tulan isn't there I can sit down every once in a while instead of having to stand around and pretend to be cleaning invisible spills. Plus I could study when things get slow.

In other news, I've decided to stop bingeing and restricting. Lol don't you love how simple I made that sound? But seriously, it's high time I stopped being a little bitch, and get over my obsession with losing weight. Now that everything seems to be going so well with work and my BU class, I think I'm in a good place to start really committing to a healthy diet. By diet I mean lifestyle. Not the other kind of diet. I know I'm always reminiscing about the good old days when I was anorexic and had so much self control around food but the more that I think about it, it wasn't so much self control as it was fear. And in all honesty, I would much rather go back to when I was just healthy and happy and had a life that didn't revolve around food. Every second I spend in this eating disorder is a waste of my life. I am so done with it. I don't even care if healthy balanced eating keeps me fat for a while, if it means taking control of my well being.

Hopefully I'll still feel this way tomorrow... every once in a while I get really inspired to embrace recovery but it always seems to disappear out into the void.

High points and low points

Ughhh. I am in a downward spiral of BINGEDOM. Curse you, Halloween. Curse you and your delicious sugary treats.

I made an appointment with the nutritionist I was seeing over the summer. Her name is Marci, and she is super nice and funny and doesn't call me fat so I like her pretty well. Unfortantely, she is going on vacation so our next appointment isn't until the 16th, which means I'm going to have to pull myself out of this behavior pit.

You guys will still keep reading my blog even though I don't seem to be getting any better, right? Even though all I do is binge and complain about it you won't stop reading? My eating disorder isn't all that interesting unfortunately. I never get horribly ill or hospitalized (which I know is a good thing obviously), but it can't be much fun to read about.

Tomorrow the MEDA support group is meeting so maybe I'll go to that.

So, I know I'm super ugly and chubby but I had a couple proud moments in the past 48 hours that aren't related to my appearance. For example, in class last night, my psych professor demonstrated the different techniques one can use to remember information (we're learning about consciousness and memory). She read aloud a list of random objects like snow, potato, library, and told half the class to try and estimate the number of vowels in each word. Then she told the other half to rate each object on a scale of 1 to 10 how useful that object would be if you were stranded on a desert island. Afterwards, we were asked to recall how many of the words we could remember. It turns out that the second group remembered 75% more words than the first group because the "desert island" scenario put the objects in a memorable context, as opposed to the first group, who were simply told to count vowel sounds. I was really tired and didn't feel much like engaging in silly class games but I participated anyways and ended up remembering the most words out of the other fifteen students in my group. My prof was like, "Wow, your memory is well above average." Why thank you ma'am. Thank you very much.

AND THEN TODAY, I was training this new employee at Angora who doesn't speak much English, and we were talking about foreign languages. She said she thought it was really cool that I could speak French, because all the Americans she knows were "too lazy" to bother learning another language. We talked about how scary it can be coming to a native country for the first time, and she said that talking to me made her feel less homesick. She said, "I talk to you and I forget my pain." Awwwwwwww.

Anyways, it's nice to know that no matter how disgusting I look, at least I still have some commendable inner qualities. That won't change. Looks can though! So I gotsta stop bingeing and get my rockin body back!

And so begins another week of insanity

I'm feeling a little disheartened because today my mom asked me if I would be willing to start seeing Dr. Gordon less- like every other week. I guess the cost of our sessions is starting to rack up, and since our insurance doesn't cover shit, we've been paying out of pocket. This is in a word: poopy. The worst part was that my mom was like, "I think you're doing well enough to see her every couple of weeks." Why? Because I'm getting out of bed in the morning? Because I've gotten better at hiding my binge episodes? Because I don't have any fresh cuts on my wrists? Has she ever considered the fact that maybe I'm just not broadcasting my issues to the public?

Thankfully, I saw Dr. Gordon today and she agrees with me. She says that the more she gets to know me, the better she comes to understand the "complexity and chaos of my internal world." I thought the way she put that was funny.

She also gave me some pretty solid advice on how to deal with my crush on Helen's dad. I mean, let's face it- the sooner these feelings run their course the better. She suggested that I simply don't put myself in situations with him any more than I have to. So basically, stick to seeing him only when I need to babysit his kids. For instance, he came over last night to take pictures of Rachel and Helen in their Halloween costumes, and the best thing I could have done for myself would've been to just stay upstairs and wait for him to leave. Instead, I wanted him to see me in my knight costume and curly up-do so I came downstairs under the pretense of loaning the girls some red socks. It was so awkward, my mom said to him, "Why don't you get a picture of Eliza with Rachel and Helen?" I was totally embarrassed and felt like a little kid but of course Bob was like, "sure get in the picture!" Afterwards he was like, "Eliza, I'll send you the picture." EHEHEEHE that means he has my number in his phone! I know I know obviously he should have the babysitter's number in his phone but STILL! If you were to look at his contacts I WOULD BE ONE OF THEM. Sorry, the point of this story is that all of the excitement and crushy feelings could have been avoided if I had just not gone downstairs in the first place.

I'm gearing myself up for a super busy week because not only am I working every day accept for Saturday, but I have stuff going on after work in the evenings as well. This is a good thing I think. Staying busy is good.

Goals for this week:

-don't binge
-lose 2 pounds
-don't use scale (will make the losing 2 pounds difficult to determine but maybe I'll just feel the weight loss)
-avoid Bob
-study for at least two hours every day
-walk everywhere when possible so as to get lots of exercise
-don't leave dirty dishes lying around bedroom