Okay so just for the record, I DID end up eating dinner last night. As frusterating as it is feeling like a failure and fatty at the same time, I was able to throw some Trader Joe's taquitos in the oven and eat them with my brother.
My mom sat me down to talk about how worried she is about me. "Very, very, worried," is how she put it. Apparently my unwillingness to see friends and hang out with people is concering the family. Most of my friends are home for the summer but I've been avoiding and isolative. I DON'T WANT TO SEE ANYONE. Why can't they just accept the fact that maybe I'm a hermit?
The truth is though... that I don't want my friends to see my weight and think I'm back to normal or whatever. Non-eating disordered people tend to get this wacky idea that just because you're maintaining a healthy weight you must be all better. This could not be more false. If anything you're worse because all the thoughts and obsessions are still there but you just can't get away with acting on them as easily.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! I wish my life was simple and lovely and filled with small animals, and there would be no judgements or fighting or grades or meal plans.
I understand your desire to not see anyone, but you're mom is right to be concerned b/c isolating yourself is not good.
ReplyDeleteI went through that phase too... of not wanting to see people b/c my weight was higher than last time they saw me.... looking back, I feel like I missed out on my life for a couple of years. So, try to do what would make you happiest - truly happy. Dont' live out of fear. Live out of enjoyment. Sorry, that sounded preachy....
ReplyDeleteYep that's a problem that we all have. Look at Laura, she was afraid no one in the program would think she was sick cause of how she looked. The she opened her mouth and... well you get the idea. Remember that this is something that is bad. Isolation is a bad thing.
ReplyDeleteLook I've really got nothing to say but I'm out here listening if you need to write. And I'm very glad you ate dinner.
Hooray you guys are awesome supports and I love that you read my crazyness.
ReplyDeleteI went out with my friend Sarah tonight and we rented a movie... it was tough but then again I doubt she cares as much about my weight as I do.
She DEFINITELY doesn't care about your weight AT ALL.
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