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Well I wish I had interesting news to send out into the blogosphere... but I guess no news is good news right? In the world of eating disorders at least.

My life has gotten soooooooo booooooring since being discharged from Day. The most exciting thing that's happened in the past week was discovering I can still put my leg behind my head! Haven't done that since I was fifteen...

I have all this scary school/future/growing up type stuff that I need to sit down and work on. I don't know why I get so bogged down and intimidated by it all. Shouldn't I be WANTING to get on with my life?

I Boobed!

Hello friends. I'm happy to report that your resident food psycho is doing much better today!

I woke up at 10:30 a.m. feeling like shit... which isn't a shocker considering my massive binge episode last night. Usually the first thing I do on the morning after a binge is soothe away the pain with a stack of pancakes two feet high and a butt load of chocolate for breakfast. So I rolled out of bed and promptly dove into the bag of chocolate covered pretzels that my mom hides from me in her sock drawer. There was only half a bag left and I ended up finishing it. The I mosied on over to the kitchen and started rifling through a bag of tortilla chips when it dawned on me... is MORE bingeing really the solution? NO. So I decided to make a different choice in that moment.

I later learned, this evening at program, that I used a DBT skill I'd never even heard of! It's called Backing Out Of a Behavior- also known as B.O.O.B.

Liz- the counselor in charge of Evening, was very proud, and she made me a badge with picture of some big ol' boobies in a black satin bra. And on the top it says, "I BOOBED!!"

Motherfucker

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAh!!!!!

First of all I'd like to apologize for how many swear words I've been using in my posts. I truly hope it doesn't offend! I don't swear when I talk so sometimes I need to write out the obscenities.

That being said. Fuck. Motherfucker. I guess I'm just hungry and on my period but I ate way too many oreos after dinner and then I felt disgusting and didn't know what to do. I've already been to the gym today so I couldn't burn it off there... and it's the end of the day so I have no more meals I can restrict to make up for it. Somehow, amidst all the anxiety and confusion I found myself cowering over the toilet contemplating a behavior I've never tried before.

It didn't work. No matter what I did- fingers, toothbrush... I HAVE NO GAG REFLEX. You know the last time I threw up was second grade? I guess I should count it as a blessing. I mean, purging is a long dark road I've luckily never had to go down and in my saner moments I am thankful for that.

BUT GOD DAMMIT I WISH I HAD A WAY TO GET RID OF THE COOKIES.

Thanks for sticking with me you guys. Treatment has not cured me by any means. I still have an eating disorder.

IOP and other stuff

The first night of IOP went pretty well. It's WAY more relaxed and flexible than Day Program, which is kind of relief. The supervising counselor didn't check our portion sizes, she sat down and actually ate with us, and after dinner we didn't even have to leave the room so she could check our plates.

It looks like I'll only need to do Evening for about two weeks. Hooray :)

I'm exhausted right now. Mom forced me to take my little sister out into Boston today so we spent like five hours in the aquarium. BLegh. I bought myself a shark's tooth though...

OH MY GOD last night I woke up at around 2 a.m. and I couldn't fall back asleep because I was hungry as fuck. I tried to ignore it and roll back over because I felt guilty for feeling empty (ridiculous, right?). Anyways, after like 45 minutes I just wanted to get back to sleep so I went downstairs to the kitchen and brought like a spoonful of peanut butter back to my room. My mom followed me up a few minutes later and knocked on my door. She was like, "Hey, hun. I smelled peanut butter and I was just wondering if you needed some support."

IT WAS THE MOST EMBARRASSING EXCHANGE EVER. She totally thought I was on some kind of creepy night time binge by myself when in reality I was actually having severe restriction urges and the only way to fall back asleep was make my tummy stop grumbling. So that made me mad.

Graduation Day

Technically yesterday was my last day but I didn't feel like blogging.

I'M DONE!!! I'M FREE!!!

I also had a final meeting with my case manager and went over some stuff. We made a list of my accomplishments during treatment, and a relapse prevention plan. Wanna hear 'em!? Okay!

Accomplishments:

- Trust in the meal plan
- I feel comfortable eating eating with my family again
- I don't have to plan my meals in advance in order to feel comfortable eating
- I'll wear clothes besides sweats and baggy jeans EVEN THOUGH my body image is still shot to hell
- I know/can expect what will trigger binge urges & use skills to overcome them
- I can go on with my life without exercising every single day

I still have a butt load of work to do but at least I've gotten a hold of the obsessive side of the eating disorder and that was the side of it that was making me most miserable.

I still need to work on:

- Not restricting!
- Not using exercise as a purging method
- Owning up to my slips
- Eating desserts in portioned amounts without it turning into a binge

Oh my god last night I was so bored I starting reading New Moon. Why is everyone so in love with Edward Cullen? He's such a moody little son of a bitch.

Tonight I have Evening Program for the first time. I have to bring my own dinner. I think I'll do a veggie burger. Then maybe almonds on the side for my fat... soy milk as my caloric beverage... and then since I have to have a FUCKING dessert I guess I'll go with Nilla Wafers or something light.

Marathon Monday

I wonder who won this year... I heard that a lot of Europeans couldn't make it over here because of all the flight cancelations and volcano hoopla.

Beacon street is totally closed off because of all the slow pokes who haven't finished running yet so I can't get to the gym. Now I am forced to sit at home with the calories from lunch just pouring fat into my cells. Oh well.

I have my exercise privileges back now. Did I mention that? I'm bummed that the roads are blocked but what's cool is that if this had happened two months ago or something I would be FLIPPING MY SHIT right now. There are a lot things I wish I had worked on harder throughout my stay in Day Program. I wish I'd stuck more to the meal plan and not restricted so much much on snacks. I wish I hadn't hidden cheese sticks in my sleeve. I certainly wish I hadn't had quite so many binge episodes... But I think I can claim, with absolute confidence, that I am no longer addicted to the gym- and that feels pretty freaking awesome. :)

Sleepy Sunday

Sometimes I like rainy weekends because it gives me an excuse to stay in and ruminate without feeling like a hermit.

Not much to report I guess... my cousin (who lives with us at the moment) has finally resorted to online dating because the pool of eligible guys in the Boston area is practically non-existent. She met this guy who actually seems pretty cool and not a psycho so last night I helped her get ready for the first date. That was fun and I got to do her make-up and go through her wardrobe.

My appetite is just not here today. It might have something to do with taking a Ritalin this morning... I had to wake up mad early to set up the classrooms for First Day School at Quaker meeting and I didn't have time to make coffee. Ritalin is fun. Not only was I able to set up the classrooms but I made these adorable flower cut outs and strung them around the hallways!

Anyways, I can feel the hunger enough to know I should eat something and I tried eating some cheese and grapes but it have you ever tried eating food when you don't want it? Impossible.

Almost there!

YESSSSSSSSSSS. Insurance finally crapped out on me and I'm done with Day Program next Wednesday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe it! After weeks and weeks of group therapy and forced meal plan compliance I have finally reached the end of my intensive outpatient treatment!!

So then on Thursday I'll start the Evening Program. Beth, the director pulled me aside today to give me a little orientation of how IOP works. It's pretty similar to Day, except it's obviously shorter and not every day, plus we only eat one meal together.

Want me to read you some stuff about it? Okay!

1) You are expected to bring a MINIMUM of the following requirements for your dinner meal. 2 Grains, 3 Proteins, 1 fruit or vegetable, 1 fat, a dessert, and a caloric beverage.

2) If your meal plan does not meet the minimum requirements, you will be asked to add the missing exchanges to your meal by the group leader.

3) You are expected to finish 100% of a meal.

4) You are encouraged to bring a risk food each night to help incorporate variety.

6) Diet, low fat and light foods are not allowed, including: low carb foods, light bread, 100-calorie packs, low fat or light salad dressing.

7) Please do not bring caffeinated beverages (ie: coffee, tea, soda) to the program. Caffeine-free sodas are permitted. Also, please keep in mind that diet-labeled drinks are not permitted. Herbal teas are permitted during the winter months, but do not count toward meal plan requirements and may not be consumed in excess of 1 cup per evening.

8) Conversation during dinner should be kept light and non-treatment, non-food focused.

9) Repeated failure to follow these guidelines will be brought to the director's attention and may be grounds for recommendation for a higher level of care.


Most of these regulations apply to Day Program as well... except for this whole mandatory dessert and caloric beverage shit. What the hell is that?

Other that than, the groups are pretty similar too. We've got DBT skills, body image, nutrition... blah blah blah.

OH BUT YAY! At this level of care we don't need bathroom supervision anymore!! No more having to count out loud while we pee or put in tampons!

Happy Friday everyone. I love weekends. :)

Bored

Things have been rather slow in my world lately so there hasn't been much to blog about. I'm more inclined to write when things are going downhill- which, although helpful, doesn't exactly show me the greatest light. I don't want all my entries to be miserable. I should really try and get in the habit posting every day.

I AM SO READY TO GET THE HELL OUT OF EATING DISORDER TREATMENT. Do not get me wrong- I love the girls. I have never made such close friends in such a short amount of time and I could not be more grateful to have them going through it with me. But oh my god if I have to sit through one more group and talk about how to "re-shape my cognitive distortions" I'm going to tear my head off and throw it at someone.

On the bright side, I haven't binged since like... the day after Easter. Jeez. It hasn't even been two weeks yet? Feels like a lifetime. No major urges I suppose. Since the warm weather is starting to set in I'm a lot less tempted to sit around and eat. That's the nice thing about spring and summer. However, these two seasons are black holes for restriction urges. My dieting spikes through the roof this time of year so I just need to make sure I don't go nuts. Going a little nuts is okay though. No one ever died from going a little nuts.

Trippin

I'm having trouble falling asleep. I mean, it's only 10:45 but I'm used to conking out at like quarter to ten. It's troublesome to me. I have to get up at 6:00 tomorrow and I'd rather not be sleepy at program.

I just finished reading The Lovely Bones. Maybe that's why I can't fall asleep? This book is sad and making me think a lot more than I'd like to... I can't stop thinking about all the dead people I've ever known and wondering if they're actually watching me live my life from up above. I guess I'd be okay with that. As long as they avert their eyes when I'm taking a dump and flossing my teeth.

I feel like today in general was just really weird. I didn't have any eating disordered episodes but from the moment I woke up this morning I've been feeling anxious. I went for a mindful walk to try and clear my head. That didn't work. I chewed an entire pack of gum. That made me burp a lot. I smoked a cigarette from a pack I've had in my underwear drawer since two years ago. That worked for like 10 minutes before I smelled it on myself and then remembered what a gross habit it was. I suppose things turned around after my afternoon workout. Dear gym, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways...

Anyways, on to more positive and uplifting thoughts. I think this is my last week of program! I'm fairly certain I'll be discharged sometime next week, then I might start IOP. That's the evening program. I'd go three times a week instead of every day and only for three hours instead of six. Myeh. I'm done with treatment. I'll do it if they make me though.

Interesting

TGIF and Hooray. It's really gross outside and I feel grumpy and depressed. I came home and got ready to go to the gym... but my mom wasn't back with the car so I started getting really urgey and anxious. I started eating cookies and then more cookies and then my mom came home so I stopped. I had some more cookies afterward though (what is it about COOKIES??)- just like nutter butters and oreos. I'm done now I think. After about twenty minutes and twenty cookies I started feeling really guilty and stupid for being so impulsive. I don't have much experience actually STOPPING myself in the middle of a binge so I feel really weird right now. I also feel proud though. YES I FEEL PROUD. So what if I caved? The point is I stopped and didn't get too black and white about the situation.

Unfortunately I need to purge so I'm off to the gym. Won't overdo it- I promise.

Oh crap

So this morning the newest recruit walks in, a girl who looked so painfully familiar I couldn't get out of my seat to portion breakfast until I figured out who she was. It took me a few minutes but after I thought about it long and hard I remembered that she went to High School with me. This treatment center is about a 45 minute drive from the town where I live and went to school, so I REALLY wasn't expecting to see anyone I recognized. I should probably also mention that her dad is relatively famous, and she's gorgeous and super skinny so I felt really insecure. I started feeling uncomfortable and all I could do was hope that she didn't know who I was.

After breakfast she came over and introduced herself... "We went to BHS together, didn't we!!??" I smiled and acted all surprised then we talked for a few minutes about how crazy it is that we both ended up here, how crazy that we both have eating disorders, hahahahahaha.

My case manager pulled me aside at the end of the day and I assumed she wanted to check in and see how I'm feeling about this girl I already knew showing up at treatment with me but NO. She says, "Eliza I understand you and Ava went to school together... you're probably aware of who her family is. Well it's very important to Ava that she maintain a sense of anonymity in treatment so we just want to make sure you don't tell the other girls who she is because it might get weird."

So I felt like a crappy idiot thinking she actually cared about how I felt about the situation, and why should she care? Why worry about MY recovery when you have a gorgeous celebrity instead??

No binging since the last episode. I don't deserve ice cream.

The fucking bunny is still after me

Here is something weird- sometimes when I have a bad day with lots of urges and I end up giving into them, I feel really guilty. I obviously feel guilty about the behaviors but there's the another part of me that's always like, "Don't do that! You'll just end up blogging about how crappy it makes you feel then the few people who read your posts and try to believe in you are just going to give up because you're failing too much!!"

I'm saying this because I came home today and I was really urgey. There was all this leftover Easter candy and cake in my mom's bedroom and nobody was home so it was like the perfect opportunity to go on a bender. I was able to delay the urge for about an hour. That's good, right? Usually I cave immediately and just start stuffing my face right there and then but I really didn't want to binge today so I tried really hard to do something else. I watched Project Runway, but that made me feel shitty so I switched to facebook, which made me depressed. Then I realized that my leg muscles were sore. This is why I decided to skip the gym today because I don't like to work out on sore muscles. I guess being sore and feeling shitty got the best of me cuz I binged anyways. That makes two days in a row.

It's just hard because before yesterday I had gone almost TWO WEEKS with no behaviors and now I just feel like I'm slipping again.

Anyways, I'm just worried that the bad stuff is outweighing the good now and that makes me sad because I'd like for this blog to have a happy ending.

The bunny is a bitch

It's still Easter. I've never written two posts in one day before.

That being said,

Fuck my life. Fuck it fuck it fuck it FUCK IT. Someday, when all of this shit is over and done with, I'm going to sit down and write a book about it all. It will be called, "Ice cream and other shit- how they almost destroyed my life."

Right now I'm watching Fargo because it's literally the only movie that doesn't make me feel shitty and fat. Isn't that funny? Name any movie. ANY MOVIE besides Fargo and I guarantee I could find something about it that would be upsetting or triggering. Nothing with romance because it reminds me of how guys would never like me, nothing with kids because it reminds me of how much skinnier I was when I was younger, nothing funny because most comedies have a beautiful girl character who makes me feel ugly, AND most comedies also have a fat joke in there somewhere. You get the point. My choices are limited. Fargo is awesome because it's about greed... murder... wintertime in Minnesota. It makes me feel cozy. Plus the accents kill me.

Anyone else ever wonder if humans will have to evacuate earth and live on the moon or something? I doubt I would binge eat on the moon.

The bunny wants me dead

Happy Easter fellow bloggers, friends, and eating disordered comrades! What a lovely spring day it is outside. I hope everyone is enjoying the holiday.

This morning started off pretty steady. I ate a big bowl of cereal and fulfilled my breakfast exchanges, then I dove into my Easter basket. The bunny did good this year. I got springtime body crystals in the shape of a butterfly, a plastic cow that poops brown jelly beans, several fuzzy chicks of varying adorableness, galactic puddy, and of course, the mother load: jelly beans, cadbury creme eggs, reese's peanut butter cups, pink and yellow candy corns, peeps, a giant solid milk chocolate bunny... etc etc etc.

Anyways, I was pretty proud of myself for the first hour or so. I had like three jelly beans and a peep, figuring that chocolate might trigger a binge. Unfortunately the power of Easter and all it's savory goodness was much too strong so eventually gave in and ate my whole basket. Not the wicker and the fake grass though just the candy.

I'm hesitant to count this as a binge- because I ONLY indulged in candy. If I'd made a big mess of eggs and hash browns, broken into a bag of tortilla chips, ate a quart of ice cream, or added straight peanut butter to the mix then I would take it a bit more seriously. That's the good news. The bad news is the eating disorder considers it a binge so I don't see lunch and dinner happening this evening, and I'll probably go for a longer run than usual this evening.

Will try to dig a little deeper into this issue tomorrow. I'm happy I'll be back in program. This is my first behavior in like two weeks. I'm such a goon.

I should be committed

I apologize in advance for this ridiculously inane and shallow post. I promise I'll start limiting the weight and numbers talk after this one.

Today I weighed myself at the gym. Whoops.

The good news is I'm not NEARLY as heavy as I thought- about 10 lbs. less than expected actually.

The bad news is that since I came home from school in December the binging has packed on a very real and noticeable 8 lbs to my ass and thighs. My size two jeans BARELY fit so I can't wear them right now and that depresses me a lot.

The good news is that I'm not overly tempted to restrict because lets face it, 8 lbs. is sad but not the end of the world, and I know restricting calories is just gonna screw me over in the long run.

I may ask the nutritionist at program if we can remove desserts from my meal plan because I haven't had a binge episode in over a week (yay!), and my urges have been pretty minimal.

So my plan is to lose 8 lbs. DON'T YELL AT ME. I know I'm in treatment for an eating disorder and my primary focus should be on recovery and not weight loss but come on. In eight pounds I'll be at the weight that my doctor tells me is the lowest I should really ever be at so I know I'm supposed to stop there.

Again, I'm so sorry for talking about this shit. I must come off as the most superficial and assholey person ever. The only reason I obsess over my weight is because I'm really not very good at anything else besides obsessing about food!

Easter is tomorrow. I love Easter. I hope I get those little fuzzy chicks. And jelly beans. And Cadbury Creme eggs. I won't eat them obviously but they're fun to save and smell and hold and look at.

I'm really screwed up.

Fruitful frivolity

Happy April Fool's! Thursdays at program tend to run slow so me and a couple of the girls took advantage of the holiday to pull some devious shit on the staff. We started small by taking the paintings off the walls and then hanging them upside down. Then we hid all the dry erase markers, changed the clocks... it's hard to pull pranks without making too much of a mess. OH oh oh but I had the ingenious idea of sneaking into my case manager's office and stealing the scale we get weighed on! That was awesome. We hid it with the snacks in the kitchen. Fortunately I think the counselors were just so happy not to see us crying over our meal plans because they didn't come down too hard when they found out. Anyways, back to being nineteen years old again. I need to focus on weekend planning so I can stay behavior free over the next few days.

Tomorrow is Good Friday and EVERYONE in the family but me has off from work or school. So I am protesting the fact that I have to wake up at 6:00 by staying up super late watching John Hughes movies. Right now I'm on Pretty In Pink. NOT as good as The Breakfast Club- which is my favorite movie of all time but it's definitely up there.

Molly Ringwald has killer legs.