Today was Saturday. I legitimately woke up at 4:30 in the afternoon, JUST LIKE LAST WEEK. I think that subconsciously I'm somehow trying to make up for the five days a week that I don't get to sleep in by sleeping for sixteen hours a night on the weekends... which is dumb though because ultimately I'm just screwing up my days and nights, right? Ugh, whatever. What is done cannot be undone.
So after eating "breakfast" at around 5:00 I went to the gym and decided to work out for an hour and half to tire myself out. Sometimes I do that. Work out, not so much to burn calories but so that I'll be super tired and ready for bed at the right time.
Ohmygod I almost forgot to mention. Yesterday I had my weekly session with Dr. Bitemebitemebiteme and it was so unproductive and stupid I could scream. I told her about how the past couple weeks have been tough in terms of sticking to the meal plan and bingeing and what not. I mentioned how I had two or three days without bingeing last week and I felt good about it. She said, "Really? Two or three days is a success for you now?" It was funny. I did that thing after people say something stupid or mean where I just pause because I want them to realize what they just said. Obviously though, since this is Dr. Biteme we're talking about, there was no realization and she just went on looking smug.
I said, "Well I dunno. Last week Amy came over and we watched a movie and she brought me a box of Milk Duds. I ate them without driving to the store after she left to buy more food for a binge so I thought that was a success."
"How big was the box?"
"Uhhh... I guess maybe like this." And I showed her what five or six inches looked like between my index fingers.
"And you ate the whole thing?" Aaaaghh! I wanted to pull her hair. Eating a box of candy like when you go out with friends or when you go to the movies is a normalized food experience isn't it? What is wrong with her? And who says that to someone with an eating disorder?! Anyways, she goes on to question whether or not Amy should have even brought candy for me in the first place. She asked, "Doesn't she know you have an eating disorder?"
"Yeah she does. But since I'm not skinny anymore she probably just thinks I'm bulimic or something."
"You are bulimic."
"No I'm not."
"Yes. You are a non-purging bulimic."
I thought about this accusation. "I dunno..." Then I started off into this analogy that I came up with off the top of my head. It didn't really work. "There are some people who you think are rich but are actually broke, and the only reason you think they have a lot of money is because they have fancy cars and designer clothes when in reality they just spend all of it so it only LOOKS like they are rich." I have no idea where I was trying to go with this but in my head it seemed a lot like the definition of a "non-purging bulimic."
She ignored this and proceeded to plow through technical definitions of bulimia and other eating disorders of the like while I tuned out and thought about kangaroos. You know the inside of their pouches are lined with mucous? Blegh.
She spent the rest of the session wanting to me think about whether or not I think I'm really ready to go back to school. Uhh... DUH. Who the hell cares if I'm still struggling with this shit? I just need a change of scenery.
It is now almost midnight which, since I only woke up like eight hours ago, puts us at around noon in Eliza time.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Hamstermergency
Noticed a large protruding mass under Ollie's eye this afternoon and I started catastrophizing. It had a big old scab hanging off of it and he was doing that thing rodents do where they use their little paws to clean their faces. Sometimes when stuff like this happens and I'm home alone I can't help but imagine the worst possible case scenario. In my head I'll see Ollie's swollen face exploding and then he dies slowly and painfully and it's all my fault because I should have saved him.
So I called my Dad who said that if it wasn't too much trouble I should try to clean him up. I could hear Rachel in the background asking questions like, "Is he okay? Is he moving? I knew he'd die while we were away!" I felt guilty for not checking on him as often as my mom specified on the list. Maybe if I even bothered to LOOK at him when I changed his water and food I would have noticed he wasn't okay, you know?
After I got off the phone I literally ran barefoot out the door (couldn't find my shoes), jumped in the car, and gunned it to the drug store for supplies. But what sort of stuff do you get for an abscess on a hamster? I had no idea. I still don't really... I just grabbed some latex gloves, q-tips, and some sort of antiseptic I forget the name of. But it had benzethonium chloride in it.
The actual process of trying to clean his gnarly red sore was unpleasant and really difficult. Ollie is quite squirmy. And did I mention that HE IS VICIOUS?! Every time he twitches or moves his head I think he's about to bite me so I let go and then have to go through the process of picking him up again. Long story short, I guess he's alright for now. I wish I had a little cone to put around his neck to keep him from scratching himself though. I suppose I could fashion one out of a bottle cap...
In terms of food and eating disorder drama- binges today and yesterday. But after tonight it ends forever! I'm serious this time.
Right, Eliza. Whatever you say.
So I called my Dad who said that if it wasn't too much trouble I should try to clean him up. I could hear Rachel in the background asking questions like, "Is he okay? Is he moving? I knew he'd die while we were away!" I felt guilty for not checking on him as often as my mom specified on the list. Maybe if I even bothered to LOOK at him when I changed his water and food I would have noticed he wasn't okay, you know?
After I got off the phone I literally ran barefoot out the door (couldn't find my shoes), jumped in the car, and gunned it to the drug store for supplies. But what sort of stuff do you get for an abscess on a hamster? I had no idea. I still don't really... I just grabbed some latex gloves, q-tips, and some sort of antiseptic I forget the name of. But it had benzethonium chloride in it.
The actual process of trying to clean his gnarly red sore was unpleasant and really difficult. Ollie is quite squirmy. And did I mention that HE IS VICIOUS?! Every time he twitches or moves his head I think he's about to bite me so I let go and then have to go through the process of picking him up again. Long story short, I guess he's alright for now. I wish I had a little cone to put around his neck to keep him from scratching himself though. I suppose I could fashion one out of a bottle cap...
In terms of food and eating disorder drama- binges today and yesterday. But after tonight it ends forever! I'm serious this time.
Right, Eliza. Whatever you say.
Monday, July 26, 2010
A constructive little light at end of tunnel
I actually called in sick to work this morning because of how massively I binged last night. It sucked and I felt really bad about it. So today I ended up rolling out of bed at around 2:30 in the afternoon and feeling like shit and wanting to binge again. I literally had my shoes on and car keys in hand, ready to drive over to the store and buy a jar of Nutella. But in all honesty, that felt even shittier so I decided to come back upstairs and blog about it instead.
This is the reasoning I come up with in my head when it comes to deciding whether or not to binge: I figure that I'm already heavy, I'm already unhappy, and as much as I would like to lose this weight and undo the damage of the past six months, the only thing that really comforts me and makes me feel at ease in the moment is eating tons of sugar.
When I was in treatment there was this woman named Liz who told us that when it comes to using behaviors, she wanted us to be "informed consumers." She said that the sad reality is that behaviors work. They work better than anything else most of the time; Better than skills, talking about it, writing about it...etc. However, obviously they aren't working in the long run because... well, we're in treatment. So then what do you do when you feel like behaviors are the only option? Make a pros and cons list before engaging in it. That way, no matter what, regardless of whether you end up giving in or finding an alternative, at least with a list you know what you're getting yourself into. I guess this morning for the first time in a while the cons outweighed the pros in my head. I shall not get cocky, however. EVERY EFFING TIME I rejoice in a success story on my blog I end up jinxing it within 24 hours.
Son of a nutcracker. I can't believe I slept this late. It is now 3:00 in the afternoon. Well at least I learned something today. That's the best thing you can about any day, really, that you learned something.
This is the reasoning I come up with in my head when it comes to deciding whether or not to binge: I figure that I'm already heavy, I'm already unhappy, and as much as I would like to lose this weight and undo the damage of the past six months, the only thing that really comforts me and makes me feel at ease in the moment is eating tons of sugar.
When I was in treatment there was this woman named Liz who told us that when it comes to using behaviors, she wanted us to be "informed consumers." She said that the sad reality is that behaviors work. They work better than anything else most of the time; Better than skills, talking about it, writing about it...etc. However, obviously they aren't working in the long run because... well, we're in treatment. So then what do you do when you feel like behaviors are the only option? Make a pros and cons list before engaging in it. That way, no matter what, regardless of whether you end up giving in or finding an alternative, at least with a list you know what you're getting yourself into. I guess this morning for the first time in a while the cons outweighed the pros in my head. I shall not get cocky, however. EVERY EFFING TIME I rejoice in a success story on my blog I end up jinxing it within 24 hours.
Son of a nutcracker. I can't believe I slept this late. It is now 3:00 in the afternoon. Well at least I learned something today. That's the best thing you can about any day, really, that you learned something.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Kill me
I have the worst stomach ache right now I can't do anything besides think about how much it hurts. I can't read, I can't watch t.v., I can't sleep, I can't move around, I can't even remember what it feels like to have a stomach with no pain in it.
I woke up at 6:30 this morning because I was hungry, so I had a bowl of cereal. Then I went back to sleep and woke up at 10:45... and I guess that's when I started feeling sick. At first I thought that maybe I was just hungry again so I had a piece of toast but that didn't help. Then I drank 8 ounces of Pepto Bismol, it went away for a little bit, and I went grocery shopping with Heather. Came home, thought it was safe to have lunch, so I had a greek salad and 5 saltines. Now it's back and I have no idea what to do except complain.
I wish it wasn't just me and Heather for the next two weeks. I thought it might be nice having the whole house to ourselves but I just feel very lonely and fat. At least we know I won't binge today because my tummy starts writhing in agony every time I put something in it.
What on earth possessed me to stay here and work when I could have joined the rest of my family in cheery cherry fun land? I've gone with them every other summer. Have I really gotten so depressed that I can't even handle the semblance of happiness? Remember I'm still going in a couple weeks... but by the time I arrive mom and dad and Jake and Rachel will be back in Boston and it'll just be me and Aunt Sarah. Oh and John. It just won't be the same. The farm just isn't the same without everyone there. And now I'm freaking out because I just realized I won't actually see my family again until October! I'm driving straight back to NYC from Michigan with Aunt Sarah. This is too weird.
And now I'm thinking about my stomach again. I reeeeeeeeeeealllly want to be able to work out today so hopefully I'll make a miraculous recovery within the next few hours.
I woke up at 6:30 this morning because I was hungry, so I had a bowl of cereal. Then I went back to sleep and woke up at 10:45... and I guess that's when I started feeling sick. At first I thought that maybe I was just hungry again so I had a piece of toast but that didn't help. Then I drank 8 ounces of Pepto Bismol, it went away for a little bit, and I went grocery shopping with Heather. Came home, thought it was safe to have lunch, so I had a greek salad and 5 saltines. Now it's back and I have no idea what to do except complain.
I wish it wasn't just me and Heather for the next two weeks. I thought it might be nice having the whole house to ourselves but I just feel very lonely and fat. At least we know I won't binge today because my tummy starts writhing in agony every time I put something in it.
What on earth possessed me to stay here and work when I could have joined the rest of my family in cheery cherry fun land? I've gone with them every other summer. Have I really gotten so depressed that I can't even handle the semblance of happiness? Remember I'm still going in a couple weeks... but by the time I arrive mom and dad and Jake and Rachel will be back in Boston and it'll just be me and Aunt Sarah. Oh and John. It just won't be the same. The farm just isn't the same without everyone there. And now I'm freaking out because I just realized I won't actually see my family again until October! I'm driving straight back to NYC from Michigan with Aunt Sarah. This is too weird.
And now I'm thinking about my stomach again. I reeeeeeeeeeealllly want to be able to work out today so hopefully I'll make a miraculous recovery within the next few hours.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Do the dishes, Cinderelly...
In a couple hours my parents and Rachel are leaving for Michigan (Jake is already there working on my uncle's farm), and then for the next two weeks it's just going to be me and Heather taking care of the house. I still have to finish up work before I fly out. I've never been left in charge my own home for this long so I'm kind of nervous. Going over the long letter/list of responsibilities my mother has printed out for us... wanna hear it?! Probably not, but I'm going to copy and paste it in here anyways just so you can see how much stuff I have to do.
Dear Ladies of the House,
You have the place to yourselves for the next two weeks! With freedom comes responsibility...
Your main responsibilities are taking care of the pets, the indoor and outdoor plants, and garbage/recycling. I realize you already know how to do this, but here are the specifics.
Garbage/recycling should be put out on Wednesday evenings. Drag the big trash cans to the edge of the sidewalk in the back of the house. Recycled goods go out in front. Cardboard boxes should be flattened first. Plastic milk jugs, soda bottles, berry boxes, etc. go in separate bins, newspapers in bags.
Re. the pets, you know the drill. Change the kitty's water once a day. They need a little wet food and dry food each day. Be sure to put food cans back in fridge with plastic cover. Re. Rachel's hamster Ollie, throw him some food every couple of days. Check his water bottle to be sure it's not empty or set too low (if it's too low it soaks into the bedding.) Give his cage a fresh change of bedding at least once a week during the time we are away. If Ollie should die (knock on wood!) please wrap him in a couple of plastic bags and place him in the freezer so Rachel can say goodbye when we return. Eliza- please do not dissect him as you did with Cinnamon.
Don't let Tiger out at night! If she hunts, she'll get sick. Best to let her run outside for exercise in the mornings, just after you leave for work. Moxie is the nocturnal one with the iron stomach. She prefers to sleep inside during the day and go out at night.
Now for the plants. The garden should be watered every other day unless you have a rainy spell. That means dragging the hose to the side and soaking dad's vegetables, and the flowers & shrubs on the terrace. Window boxes don't need such frequent watering, but please don't forget about them.
I'm putting some plants on the back porch. It's easy to water those, and don't worry about the water running over the floorboards (just be sure Margie isn't below when you water them!!). These will dry out quicker than the indoor plants, so check them every couple of days. If the soil feels dry, water them throughly.
Indoor plants: Water them twice while we're gone. (e.g. once on July 30, once on Aug. 5.)
Miscellaneous: Be sure to put away food so that bugs don't flock to the kitchen. Keep it clean- if strawberry hulls sit in the sink for even a day, the fruit flies will come back, and then they're hard to get rid of. Fruit goes down the disposal, not the trash.
Bring up the mail and collect it in one place.
Be sure windows are closed and please turn off the AC's and lights when you leave the house for the day, to conserve.
That is all. Have fun together!
Love,
Annie, David, & Rachel.
Why do I already feel like I'm going to screw something up?
Dear Ladies of the House,
You have the place to yourselves for the next two weeks! With freedom comes responsibility...
Your main responsibilities are taking care of the pets, the indoor and outdoor plants, and garbage/recycling. I realize you already know how to do this, but here are the specifics.
Garbage/recycling should be put out on Wednesday evenings. Drag the big trash cans to the edge of the sidewalk in the back of the house. Recycled goods go out in front. Cardboard boxes should be flattened first. Plastic milk jugs, soda bottles, berry boxes, etc. go in separate bins, newspapers in bags.
Re. the pets, you know the drill. Change the kitty's water once a day. They need a little wet food and dry food each day. Be sure to put food cans back in fridge with plastic cover. Re. Rachel's hamster Ollie, throw him some food every couple of days. Check his water bottle to be sure it's not empty or set too low (if it's too low it soaks into the bedding.) Give his cage a fresh change of bedding at least once a week during the time we are away. If Ollie should die (knock on wood!) please wrap him in a couple of plastic bags and place him in the freezer so Rachel can say goodbye when we return. Eliza- please do not dissect him as you did with Cinnamon.
Don't let Tiger out at night! If she hunts, she'll get sick. Best to let her run outside for exercise in the mornings, just after you leave for work. Moxie is the nocturnal one with the iron stomach. She prefers to sleep inside during the day and go out at night.
Now for the plants. The garden should be watered every other day unless you have a rainy spell. That means dragging the hose to the side and soaking dad's vegetables, and the flowers & shrubs on the terrace. Window boxes don't need such frequent watering, but please don't forget about them.
I'm putting some plants on the back porch. It's easy to water those, and don't worry about the water running over the floorboards (just be sure Margie isn't below when you water them!!). These will dry out quicker than the indoor plants, so check them every couple of days. If the soil feels dry, water them throughly.
Indoor plants: Water them twice while we're gone. (e.g. once on July 30, once on Aug. 5.)
Miscellaneous: Be sure to put away food so that bugs don't flock to the kitchen. Keep it clean- if strawberry hulls sit in the sink for even a day, the fruit flies will come back, and then they're hard to get rid of. Fruit goes down the disposal, not the trash.
Bring up the mail and collect it in one place.
Be sure windows are closed and please turn off the AC's and lights when you leave the house for the day, to conserve.
That is all. Have fun together!
Love,
Annie, David, & Rachel.
Why do I already feel like I'm going to screw something up?
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Ho hum
I'm sitting in my lovely air conditioned living room watching Sabrina the Teenage Witch and eating Cheetos with my little sister. Rachel has agreed to help me get back on track with my life by hanging out with me this afternoon. After this episode we're going to sit down together and make a list of entertaining things I can do during the day that don't involve eating. Not quite sure how well that'll work but it's worth a shot.
Anybody ever heard of Winter the dolphin? He's the latest craze with the kids at camp. Scientists designed Winter a fancy prosthetic tail after his real one was ripped off during an incident with a crab trap... now he's famous. My campers spent literally half the day huddled around the computer watching him on a live webcam from the aquarium in Florida.
I'm feeling depressed. Maybe tonight I'll start taking my meds again. I've been putting it off because I think a part of me likes all this bingeing and sleeping and bingeing and sleeping without blame. Somehow I feel like since I'm illicitly off medication there's an excuse or a reason for the behavior and it's not my fault. Does that make sense? The reasoning I mean, not the actions.
A few minutes ago I ran downstairs to the kitchen to get a glass of water and I ran into my dad, who said Dr. Biteme says hi. I thought he was kidding so I just said haha. But he was like, "No, mom and I really did just have a meeting with her."
"Oh. That's really weird. Huh. Weird..." And then I trailed off because I started imagining my parents and my therapist having a conversation. Mom and dad squashed down into her scratchy little couch that sits only like six inches above the floor, while she towers above them in her swivel chair, exposing horrid secrets about the inner workings of my twisted mind. DEVIL WOMAN! Anyways, I guess he felt uncomfortable about it too because he didn't respond, and instead started awkwardly rummaging through the fridge for something. He pulled out a rotten tomato from the back of the vegetable drawer and offered it to me. I laughed and said no thanks.
"You sure? They're pretty good when they're soft and wrinkled."
"That's what she said."
"Okay, Eliza."
Anyways, almost dinner time. Maybe I'll throw a frozen Trader Joe's pizza in the oven. This Cheeto I'm about to eat looks a lot like a distal finger bone.
Anybody ever heard of Winter the dolphin? He's the latest craze with the kids at camp. Scientists designed Winter a fancy prosthetic tail after his real one was ripped off during an incident with a crab trap... now he's famous. My campers spent literally half the day huddled around the computer watching him on a live webcam from the aquarium in Florida.
I'm feeling depressed. Maybe tonight I'll start taking my meds again. I've been putting it off because I think a part of me likes all this bingeing and sleeping and bingeing and sleeping without blame. Somehow I feel like since I'm illicitly off medication there's an excuse or a reason for the behavior and it's not my fault. Does that make sense? The reasoning I mean, not the actions.
A few minutes ago I ran downstairs to the kitchen to get a glass of water and I ran into my dad, who said Dr. Biteme says hi. I thought he was kidding so I just said haha. But he was like, "No, mom and I really did just have a meeting with her."
"Oh. That's really weird. Huh. Weird..." And then I trailed off because I started imagining my parents and my therapist having a conversation. Mom and dad squashed down into her scratchy little couch that sits only like six inches above the floor, while she towers above them in her swivel chair, exposing horrid secrets about the inner workings of my twisted mind. DEVIL WOMAN! Anyways, I guess he felt uncomfortable about it too because he didn't respond, and instead started awkwardly rummaging through the fridge for something. He pulled out a rotten tomato from the back of the vegetable drawer and offered it to me. I laughed and said no thanks.
"You sure? They're pretty good when they're soft and wrinkled."
"That's what she said."
"Okay, Eliza."
Anyways, almost dinner time. Maybe I'll throw a frozen Trader Joe's pizza in the oven. This Cheeto I'm about to eat looks a lot like a distal finger bone.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
A rant about my mother
Some days my mother nags me so incessantly that I wonder if she is doing it on purpose. Like, does she wake up feeling anxious and decide that the best way to deal with that is to rub some off on me? Because that is how it feels. I am just trying to get through each day in one piece without surrendering to truculent feelings of depression but she's making it so difficult!!
This morning I was making myself lunch to bring to camp- peanut butter and jelly on Canadian white, which I have maybe once a week. She goes, "So you're not going for whole wheat bread anymore?" Honestly, I would have rather she just said, "I can't believe you're eating white bread it's junk food." I guess she wanted to keep the tone harmless and off-handed but it sounded more like she was trying to mask some sort of disappointment in me. Like she was really thinking, "I guess Eliza doesn't care about recovery anymore if she isn't eating 100% nutritious food." Also what bugs me is that, first of all, most of my sandwiches ARE on whole wheat bread. Today she just happened to witness an exception. Second of all, people who don't understand eating disorders don't understand that you are SUPPOSED to try and incorporate triggering foods into your diet because it helps overcome irrational beliefs and urges to binge. Anyways, after she said that I lost any and all interest in pb & j so I brought yogurt instead.
At 12:30 after we dismissed the kids she picked me at school. It was already sort of tense when we got in the car but I didn't really know why so I just assumed she was about to remind me about e-mails I needed to send or plans that have to be worked out before I go to Michigan in a couple weeks. She said, "You need to get back to Dr. Nance Roy and have your interview for re-admittance to school in the fall."
I said, "I will."
"I sent you an e-mail about it."
"When?"
"Yesterday. I really don't want to keep having to nag you about it."
"Okay."
"Seriously, you need to get in touch with her or you can't go back to school next year." (Just FYI, this interview isn't really for re-admittance, it's purely a formality and basically just a chance for me to check in with the school about how I'm doing)
I stared out the window and said, "I get it." Another five minutes goes by but somehow I still don't get the feeling that she has said all she's needed to say. So she starts this super awkward conversation about how weird it's going to be that I'm driving back to NY with Aunt Sarah and her more than just a friend John Robbins at the end of the summer. Why would this be weird? We love Aunt Sarah. We love John... well, John returns to England the same day I return to school and my mom thinks I would be in the way if I slept in her apartment on their last night together. Ummm.... EW!? Why? Why bring up the subject of older people doing it? It was literally as if she had run out of things to pick on ME about, so she thought... "Okay, let's bring up the subject of intercourse."
Anyways, a few minutes ago she came into my room and said, "Have you written that e-mail to Nance Roy yet?"
I paused. Sometimes when I'm super annoyed by something someone says I take a moment of silence before responding. That way it gives the other person a chance to realize what an idiot they are. "Yes, I'm writing it right now."
Then she said, "Can I just say something? I feel like I need to get this out in the open." I was so scared. My parents don't like to "get things out in the open," so I knew it must be pretty bad and I immediately started racking my memory for any recent transgressions. Did she find that piece of chewed up gum on the seat in the Prius? The empty ice cream cartons I hid under the sink in the bathroom? It must be something embarrassing and gross if she looks this upset. She walked slowly over to my desk and opened the top drawer, pulled out my make-up bag and holds it up. Whoops.
The moral of the story is: Don't hide cigarettes in your cosmetics purse, because they will ultimately be found the next time someone needs to borrow mascara from you.
This morning I was making myself lunch to bring to camp- peanut butter and jelly on Canadian white, which I have maybe once a week. She goes, "So you're not going for whole wheat bread anymore?" Honestly, I would have rather she just said, "I can't believe you're eating white bread it's junk food." I guess she wanted to keep the tone harmless and off-handed but it sounded more like she was trying to mask some sort of disappointment in me. Like she was really thinking, "I guess Eliza doesn't care about recovery anymore if she isn't eating 100% nutritious food." Also what bugs me is that, first of all, most of my sandwiches ARE on whole wheat bread. Today she just happened to witness an exception. Second of all, people who don't understand eating disorders don't understand that you are SUPPOSED to try and incorporate triggering foods into your diet because it helps overcome irrational beliefs and urges to binge. Anyways, after she said that I lost any and all interest in pb & j so I brought yogurt instead.
At 12:30 after we dismissed the kids she picked me at school. It was already sort of tense when we got in the car but I didn't really know why so I just assumed she was about to remind me about e-mails I needed to send or plans that have to be worked out before I go to Michigan in a couple weeks. She said, "You need to get back to Dr. Nance Roy and have your interview for re-admittance to school in the fall."
I said, "I will."
"I sent you an e-mail about it."
"When?"
"Yesterday. I really don't want to keep having to nag you about it."
"Okay."
"Seriously, you need to get in touch with her or you can't go back to school next year." (Just FYI, this interview isn't really for re-admittance, it's purely a formality and basically just a chance for me to check in with the school about how I'm doing)
I stared out the window and said, "I get it." Another five minutes goes by but somehow I still don't get the feeling that she has said all she's needed to say. So she starts this super awkward conversation about how weird it's going to be that I'm driving back to NY with Aunt Sarah and her more than just a friend John Robbins at the end of the summer. Why would this be weird? We love Aunt Sarah. We love John... well, John returns to England the same day I return to school and my mom thinks I would be in the way if I slept in her apartment on their last night together. Ummm.... EW!? Why? Why bring up the subject of older people doing it? It was literally as if she had run out of things to pick on ME about, so she thought... "Okay, let's bring up the subject of intercourse."
Anyways, a few minutes ago she came into my room and said, "Have you written that e-mail to Nance Roy yet?"
I paused. Sometimes when I'm super annoyed by something someone says I take a moment of silence before responding. That way it gives the other person a chance to realize what an idiot they are. "Yes, I'm writing it right now."
Then she said, "Can I just say something? I feel like I need to get this out in the open." I was so scared. My parents don't like to "get things out in the open," so I knew it must be pretty bad and I immediately started racking my memory for any recent transgressions. Did she find that piece of chewed up gum on the seat in the Prius? The empty ice cream cartons I hid under the sink in the bathroom? It must be something embarrassing and gross if she looks this upset. She walked slowly over to my desk and opened the top drawer, pulled out my make-up bag and holds it up. Whoops.
The moral of the story is: Don't hide cigarettes in your cosmetics purse, because they will ultimately be found the next time someone needs to borrow mascara from you.
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