I saw Marci yesterday and that was a relief because I felt like I needed to check in with her. Last week she'd asked me to start logging my food intake again, so I bought a little moleskin notebook to use for that. I brought it with me to our session yesterday. She was like, "You have NO idea how useful it is for me to actually SEE what you're eating." She could tell that on days I binged it was because I definitely hadn't had enough food prior to bingeing. She told me, "Anyone would feel like bingeing on the amount of calories you were limiting!" The thing is, I'm not really consciously trying to restrict when I do. I really do think that what I'm having is enough! Apparently I do this because of my history with anorexia but that feels like so long ago now it's hard to imagine that's the real reason why. Anyway, we both agreed that I'll be able to take some major steps in reducing behaviors if I just stick to a meal plan. God, how many times have I told myself I was going to stick to a meal plan though, only to fail over and over again?
It was funny, about halfway through our session Marci asked if it would be okay for her to have a snack and I was like sure. Then she asked me if I wanted anything because she has a pretty stocked pantry in her office. I said no thanks I'll just have water and then she made this really obnoxious face at me as if to say, "You WOULD just ask for water..." So I was like, "Fine bring me a chocolate chip cookie."
Anyway, all joking aside, I guess I've been doing okay this week. I had one binge episode (today at work...whoops), but besides that I've been managing to follow the meal plan that Marci gave to me. Wow... I haven't actually binged anywhere besides work in WEEKS. And I haven't gone out to buy binge food from a store since before Christmas. Think about it... if I didn't work in an ice cream store maybe I wouldn't have a problem anymore!
Ugh, but I can't believe I caved today. Bingeing at work isn't even all THAT much fun. I should remember that for future reference. It's fun for the first ten minutes. Cuz I'm all like, "YUS! Free for all with the dessert!!" Then it starts to get dark outside and I remember that I have to close and that there's all this cleaning to be done and all the fun is over.
I know what you mean about not being able to tell that you're restricting before you binge. I'm the same way. I THINK I'm eating enough, and I'm not really all that hungry. But my body wants more, I guess. And me bingeing is one way to get my attention. Ugh, it just sucks :/
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I'm also glad that you have been keeping a food log! I feel like it helps me not to restrict and also not to binge. If I'm writing down everything it's easier to see that I'm not eating enough at certain times, and when I feel like bingeing I have to think about writing it down afterwards and feeling all the shame that goes along with that. I hate it.
I'm sorry that you gave in to the bingeing today at work, but just remember that it was ONE day. One little mess-up. Most people would binge every once in a while if they worked at an ice cream shop, geez. ha
Don't restrict tomorrow, and you will be all set to follow the meal plan for the rest of the weekend :)
I know you can stick to it for the most part.
I'm always here for you girl
<3 Haley
P.s. good job on the cookie vs. the water! :) yum. Feed your body what it wants!
Well it's tomorrow already. I haven't binged so far... even though I do need to work at the store today sort of unexpectedly. I brought lunch though so that was smart. As always, thanks for the support, Haley!
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