Yesterday was reletively poopy. I got a call from Rosie's bakery saying that they didn't want to hire someone who was leaving town in January. That'll teach me to be honest with potential employers. Everybody, and by everybody I mean my parents and Heather, have been telling me to lie and say that I can work indefinitely when people ask how long I can stay. This seems dishonest. Probably because it is I s'pose... and generally I have no problem being dishonest. I lie all the time! But it seems particulary maliciious to lie to someone who is paying you to work for them. Hmmm... ethical dilemmas are tricky.
So getting that news wasn't fun. I guess I was feeling self destructive after that so I WEIGHED MYSELF. I haven't weighed myself in over three months. About a week and a half ago I found a neighbor's scale sitting on the sidewalk and I stole it and hid it in my mother's car. I've been thinking about using it... but Dr. Gordon thought it would lead to massive restriction behaviors which would in turn lead to mega binges. Anyways, I was feeing impulsive and rather than wallow in my feelings of heaviness I thought I'd check and see how many actual pounds I'd need to lose in order to be thin again. Turns I'm not QUITE as huge as I thought, but only by five pounds. That puts me fifteen pounds away from being thin, and twenty five to thirty pounds away from being skinny. I shall work towards the first goal in a thoughtful and diplomatic manner. This means no crash dieting, starvation, or scary exercise, but also no snacks before bed and certainly no desserts. Blugh. Maybe this'll be fun? Oh who am I kidding. It's maddening having to weight for something you want. LOL see how I spelled wait?
Anyways, I shall not become consumed by the quest to physical perfection. I shall keep my mind on more pressing matters like my ED support group tonight at MEDA, my Psych test next Monday, and the seemingly hopeless job search.
this worries me huni, please don't lapse, find the energy to fight it, while I can understand 5 lbs seems like loads to you, we both need to think that a certain number is not a magic number, its just a number and it doesn't mean anything, it doesn't mean thin or skinny, its just a number. Take some time out for yourself, to paint, or go walking, or have a bath or a manicure. Remind yourself of who you are.
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Oh man, I WISH relapsing into restriction was all I had to worry about... unfortunately, bingeing is my poison so I don't really see myself losing a ton of weight any time soon :(
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you mean there, I was in a visious cycle of restricting for a few days and then the hunger or whatever got to me and I'd just binge binge and binge and could never stop, let alone rem what i actually ate. i felt so sick that I had to purge, and then it would start again maybe with some laxs involved to stop the bloating feeling. its a difficult cycle to break. and really difficult when you feel yourself falling. I hope you can find some way of breaking it, when you feel its right for you.
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